


Follow You Down

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Depression, Discussion of Abortion, M/M, Male Lactation, Mpreg, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Suicide Attempt, graphic birth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-28 23:58:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 84,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared and Jensen have been happily married for years. But when Jensen doesn't return from his job as a police officer, Jared is left alone to deal with his brand new pregnancy and trying to find his husband. Only, finding Jensen doesn't solve all their problems. Jensen was the victim of rape and is left psychologically damaged, depressed, pregnant himself, and unable to find it in his power to see himself worthy of Jared's love. Somehow, Jared has to juggle his own pregnancy, helping Jensen back to life, and finding out if they could love Jensen's baby enough to forget it is the product of rape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings** : top!Jensen, bottom!Jared, mpreg!Jared, mpreg!Jensen (and way out of his comfort zone), angst, depression, suicide attempt, non-con (in rape situation which is described but not in graphic detail), post traumatic stress disorder, psychological torture, kidnapping, anal sex, graphic birth, male lactation, talk of abortion  
>  **Beta** : The wonderful [YohkoBennington](http://yohkobennington.livejournal.com/profile).  Thank you so much for putting up with my craziness and the fact that this was the never ending 20K fic.  LOL.  And lots of thanks for the lovely [bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/profile) for being a shoulder to lean on, a cheerleader, and for her beta work on some parts of this story.  All the mistakes left are my own.  
>  **Art** : The banners, dividers, and artwork was done by the amazing [SammyColt24](http://SammyColt24.livejournal.com/profile).  I was blessed to work with her on this endeavor and I must say she is such a sweetheart and completely amazing.  Her ideas and art is fantastic and I am so happy that someone took so much time to make something inspired from my storys that giggling like a school girl over it.  Go fawn over the art!  
>  **Special thanks** : Thank you so much to [YohkoBennington](http://yohkobennington.livejournal.com/profile) and [deanlives](http://deanlives.livejournal.com/) for putting together the [SpnMpregbb](http://spnmpregbb.livejournal.com/).  I appreciate all your hard work and thank you for organizing everything.  It was such a pleasure to work with everyone.  
>  **Author's Note** :  I am not just saying this so people will read the story, but it is my opinion that people who are not fans of mpreg!Jensen will still like this story.  This version of Jensen is raped and not a bottom by choice.  The concept of mpreg!Jensen in this story is different than anything else I have read and if you know my aesthetic, I tend to prefer mpreg!Jared or reluctant mpreg!Jensen.  I dunno...I guess it would mean a lot to me if people tried the story.  That is all.

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177015175/)

  
When Jensen’s cell phone vibrated in his pocket, he tried to ignore it. He was supposed to be working, not spending his time replying to text messages.  
  
When it buzzed again, quite loudly in its place between his thigh and seatbelt buckle, he knew exactly who it was. So did his partner Casey, apparently, because Casey was giving him a telling grin before taking a long sip of his coffee.  
  
“Does Jared always text you twice?” Aware that he was poking a sleeping giant, Casey smirked.  
  
Jared did, in fact, always send two texts in a row. He had a habit of texting ridiculously fast before proof reading and then following up with an apology and minor corrections. It was something that Casey knew already. After meeting in police training and getting paired together here and there over the last few years, Casey knows Jared almost as well as Jensen knows Casey’s wife Kris, including all those embarrassing details that they probably shouldn’t have told each other. Casey was just being a dick because he liked riling Jensen up or making him get flustered when he thought about Jared. “Case…” There was a growl of friendly annoyance on Jensen’s tongue as he shot Casey a glare.  
  
“No, it’s cute. Adorable even. It’s cute that after being together so long he still texts you like clockwork when he gets home from work.”  
  
“He doesn’t always,” Jensen paused when his phone went off again. Whatever stance he had in this argument was obliterated as the vibrating cell phone spoke for itself. Jared did have a habit of texting him during the weekdays after he came home from his own job at their town’s high school. The time varied, depending on if he stayed late for meetings, extra help sessions, or club advisement, but if Jensen was working, Jared always sent him a text. It should have been so routine that the action barely impacted Jensen anymore, but it wasn’t. Instead, he smiled every time. “You know what? When is the last time Kris sent you a text for something other than ‘bring home milk’?” Jensen snorted and took a mouthful of lukewarm coffee.  
  
Without missing a beat, Casey answered calmly. “Last year. Before we had a baby.” He paused and cocked his head at Jensen. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid, you know I do, but kids change everything. Are you sure you know what you’re getting into? Because these cute little texts are going to say sayonara.”  
  
“Yeah, Case. We want kids. And come on, you love Sydney. You love being a dad. Try to tell me otherwise.”  
  
“That’s what I am saying. I love Sydney. I just miss my wife.”  
  
Jensen sighed. He had heard this song and dance before and it always saddened him. He didn’t want everything to change; he wanted things to expand. His musings were cut off when his phone when off again. Rolling his eyes, he pulled it out of his pocket and checked his four messages. They were, not surprisingly, from Jared. The first one was a grammatical nightmare letting Jensen know Jared was home early because his faculty meeting had been canceled. The second was a retyping of the first message. But the third message made him choke on his spit. And the fourth, was a resending of the third message in all capital letters.  
  
Studying Jensen’s reaction, Casey put his coffee in the patrol car’s cup holder and leaned closer to his partner’s phone, leaning in an attempt to read the text. “What?”  
  
Jensen pulled back and raised an eyebrow at Casey. “Nothing!” His actions, however, betrayed his words when he tucked the phone close to his chest and obscured the screen.  
  
After a brief battle, Casey wrestled the phone out of Jensen’s hands and read the text out loud. “‘Ovulating. Come home and fuck me. Now.’” He let out a crack of laughter. “That is pretty much the equivalent of ‘bring home milk’.” Casey’s laughter was bitten off when Jensen punched him in the ribs. “What? It is.”  
  
“It’s not!” Jensen grabbed the phone back, scowling at Casey’s amused face in the process before he shook his head and let out his own laugh. “Oh my god, it is, isn’t it?” Scratching at his chin, Jensen fell back into his seat. “It is like Jared’s brain is on its own schedule. He doesn’t seem to realize that I am working. Seriously, you think I can explain my sudden absence to the chief? ‘Hey, I’m sorry boss, I had to go home and fuck my husband into the mattress. It couldn’t wait, he was ovulating.’”  
  
“Don’t think that would go over well.” Casey laughed and started the patrol car.  
  
The rumbling of the engine shocked Jensen. “Wait, where are we going?”  
  
“We don’t have any calls right now. I figured we could patrol Lilac Avenue and Fern Court. Might as well swing by Laurel Boulevard while we are at it.” Casey gave a wide grin, flashing a set of perfect teeth.  
  
“Laurel…That’s my street.”  
  
“No shit Sherlock. You’re a little slow on the uptake today.” Casey gave Jensen a friendly punch to the shoulder. “Not to give you performance anxiety, but you have fifteen minutes. I’ll swing back and pick you up and you better be decent.”  
  
Jensen’s cheeks went red, his brain suddenly haywire with thoughts of Uncle Casey telling his future child that he exists because Uncle Casey used to sneak daddy home so he could help make a baby. “Casey you don’t…”  
  
“Yes I do. Jared isn’t going to stop, and we have 6 more hours together. Trust me. It’s a win-win. Plus, what are friends for, right?”  
  
“I’m pretty sure that anything that happens in my bedroom has nothing to do with our friendship.” Jensen smiled. “But thanks all the same. I mean it.”  
  
“No problem. You’ve saved my ass enough with Kris that I felt it was about time for some payback. Besides, it is the least I could do since you are covering me for a half hour tomorrow night.”  
  
“I’m doing what?” Eyes popping wider, Jensen gave his partner a confused look.  
  
“I asked you about it last week. You said you would think about it. But, I gotta head in early tomorrow, just a half hour. I have to pick up Sydney by 6:30 and Kris has a doctor’s appointment. Chief said it was okay as long as you were okay with it. Our route has been pretty quiet so…yeah.”  
  
“Oh man, I forgot.” Thumping his forehead with the heel of his hand, Jensen huffed. “Yeah, yeah, sure. No problem. Everything okay with Kris?”  
  
“She’s fine. Just some nerve issues from her c-section with Sydney.” Casey paused when Jensen showed increased concern. “She’s fine. Really. It is more precautionary than anything else. Still, I don’t want her to miss it.”  
  
All future conversation stops when they pulled up to the house Jared and Jensen share.  
  
Casey grinned again, his voice heavy with jest. “Go ahead milk man. Go deliver the goods.”  
  
Blush back in place, Jensen punched Casey’s bicep but got out of the car without any further fight. He mouthed a silent thank you.  
  
“Yeah, yeah. 15 minutes! Don’t forget.” The moment Jensen slammed the door, Casey took off, leaving Jensen to blink in the suddenness of his departure.  
  
Shaking his head, Jensen laughed to himself at the situation he had so suddenly found himself in. He checked his watch, 3:36, and jogged to the front door, battling it out with his keys for a moment before he pushed inside. “Jay?”  
  
Jared’s voice filtered down from the second floor. “Upstairs.”  
  
Taking the steps two at a time, Jensen followed the sound from their bedroom. “Jared, you really have to stop…” his mouth went dry when he finally made his way to the bedroom and saw what was waiting for him on the bed. Swallowing hard, he wet his lips as he took in Jared’s form, flushed and naked, spread across their bed. “What…are you doing?” He swallowed again, Adam’s apple bobbing and pant of air escaping, when he saw Jared spread his legs and work his fingers at the rim of his slick entrance.  
  
“Getting myself ready for you.” Jared bit the corner of his lip. “Got a problem with that?” He gave a smirk and sank two fingers in till the knuckle before wiggling them and pulling them back out for another thrust.  
  
“How did you know I’d come?” Dumbly, Jensen made his way to the bed, toying with the buttons on his uniform.  
  
“I didn’t know. I just hoped you would. Been at this for a while.” Jared scissored his fingers and let out a breathy moan before pulling his fingers out and crawling on his knees towards Jensen. He halted Jensen’s attempt to undress with a gentle lay of his hand. “Leave that on officer. I’m sure you don’t have much time. Besides…I love a man in uniform.” He ghosted his hand down Jensen’s pants, skilled fingers finding the zipper and pulling out his husband’s hardening length. “How long do you got?”  
  
Jensen shivered as Jared worked his dick to complete attention with pressured tugs and twists. “Fifteen minutes,” he glanced at the alarm clock on the night stand, “twelve minutes.” He went to lean forward and attack Jared’s lips but met with air when his husband pulled away, suddenly all business.  
  
“We better get this show on the road then.” Jared looked at the clock before winking at Jensen. In a smooth change of position, Jared situated himself on his knees, resting his upper body on his forearms so that his ass tilted in the air facing Jensen. “Eleven minutes left baby.”  
  
Although the sight of his husband presenting himself so blatantly was enough to make Jensen’s dick jump, the suddenness of everything took him out of the moment. Normally, Jared wasn’t like this. They were all for fast and hard, but usually they took their time during sex. But now, Jared’s brain was fixated on ‘baby’ and while Jensen’s was too, Jared was more preoccupied with the thought. After four months of trying and failing to get pregnant, Jared had dropped being comfortable with their casual attempts to have a baby and was reduced to more calculated sex. “Not that your offer isn’t tempting Jay, but fucking on a schedule isn’t really the biggest turn on…”  
  
Jared looked over his shoulder, eyes furrowed in a pout. “Yeah, I know. I’ll make it up to you later….just…let’s do this now. Okay?”  
  
Jensen sighed and crawled onto the bed but instead of situating himself behind Jared he cupped his cheek and brushed the thumb over his cheekbone. “I want a baby too Jared, but it’s okay if we don’t…you know…have any.”  
  
The determination in Jared’s eyes dimmed. “I know.” Huffing out a sigh, “I just…I…” He sucked in his lower lip and bit down. “I want to have our babies Jen. I want…can we just try? I’ll make it up to you later, promise. Anything you want.”  
  
“I just want you Jay.” Jensen kissed Jared on the temple. “Of course we can try. I want to have babies with you, lots of ‘em. But I don’t want you to lose yourself, to become too consumed with trying.” Jensen sat back on his heels and watched Jared give him a sad smile.  
  
“God!” Jared lowered his ass to his heels and sat up straighter. “I’m sorry. I’m being crazy aren’t I?” He didn’t wait for Jensen to answer and his chest fell. “I love you. You’re right and I’m sorry; I don’t mean to be a drill sergeant here. I just, I dunno, had a good feeling about trying right now.”  
  
Jensen gave Jared a lopsided smirk. “Yeah?” His husband was known for his hunches, most of which turned out to be right. Something clicked in Jensen’s brain, like he was put up to a challenge and determined to come out victorious.  
  
“Yeah. I just thought it might, you know, happen today.” Jared sighed.  
  
Mischievous grin on his face, Jensen ran his hand over Jared’s curved buttocks. “We have eight minutes baby, you think you can get me there in eight minutes?” He dipped his head at an awkward angle and pressed a kiss to Jared’s lips, earning him a surprised intake of breath from his husband.  
  
Jared shifted, curling his hand around Jensen’s arousal and coaxing it back to life. His fingers made quick work of the task and within moments he was back in his original position, ass all but wiggling for Jensen’s attention.  
  
It was awkward and difficult to situate himself between Jared’s spread legs while fully clothed in his uniform, but it sent a shock of excited wrongness through Jensen’s system. Using both hands to spread Jared wide, he sunk in, burying his cock to the hilt in one smooth thrust thanks to Jared’s prior preparations. A moan escaped his mouth as the wet heat constricted around him.  
  
The position allowed for Jensen to slam in deeply, palms flat against the area between Jared’s shoulder blades and pressing him down to the mattress so that his ass was tilted in the perfect way. Things got frantic, his movements fast and purposeful.  
  
“Jense, shit!” Jared’s hands fisted the sheets as Jensen fucked into him, pushing him into the mattress with increasing roughness after each complete thrust. His neglected dick found friction in its slide across the sheets and dribbled precome across them he bobbed forward with each snap of Jensen’s hips. Cracking an eye open at the clock, he warned, “five minutes.”  
  
Cursing under his breath, Jensen grabbed both of Jared’s hips for better leverage, angling his thrusts in such a way that he felt his balls tensing and his own orgasm creeping up on him. Keeping the pace, his lip curled up with determination.  
  
“Three minutes baby,” Jared panted, his speech contorted by the force of Jensen moving behind him. “Gonna do it? Gonna give me what I want? Come inside me?” He tensed his muscles around Jensen’s hardness and made a dangerous roll of his hips.  
  
“Almost baby…so close.” Jensen growled and snaked a hand under Jared’s belly to catch hold of his husband’s dick, knowing feeling Jared’s own orgasm would be more than enough to throw him over the edge. His fist picked up a frantic rhythm, sliding his thumb over the head of Jared’s length and smearing the slippery substance down the shaft. “I’m going to come so hard baby. Fill you up…just…ugh.” Jensen’s words were punctuated with a gruff moan as he slammed in hard.  
  
Jared opened up for him, his body practically begging Jensen to root himself there. He let out a strangled moan and buried his face in the sheets, lips parted and releasing jagged pants of air to fill the room.  
  
Time fell away and without that added pressure, Jensen came, stilling his movements and shooting his release as deep inside of Jared as he could. The opposite of his original plan happened when he felt Jared shot hot bursts of semen across his fists to make a mess of the sheets. His legs were shaky as he shuddered through the effects of his orgasm, reacting to his oversensitive dick being assaulted by Jared’s own shivering.  
  
He wanted to collapse on the bed beside Jared and stay there till the end of time, or at least the end of the day. He wanted to tell Jared how much he loved him and kiss him softly until their post coital haze wore off. He wanted a lot of things but none of them would be happening because he heard a horn honk obnoxiously in front of the house.  
  
“Shit.”  
  
“Time to go?” Jared found the strength to open one eye and validate his question with a look at the clock.  
  
“Yeah. Right on time.” Jensen gently slipped out of Jared and walked backwards on his knees until he could put his feet down on the ground. He made his way to the bathroom at the side of the room to clean himself up and give himself a once over. His uniform was mostly unscathed but Jared’s wetness moistened the pant’s fabric around his dick. Wiping at it with a wet towel, he was thankful the fabric was dark enough to hide the fact that it was damp.  
  
“When will you be home tonight?” came Jared’s voice from the bedroom where he kept his hips canted upward.  
  
“Around nine.” Putting himself together the best he could, Jensen ran a hand through his hair, putting some stray strands back in place. He returned to his husband and kissed him on the lips, pulling away and cursing when he heard another honk. “I gotta go.”  
  
Nodding, Jared understood. “I’ll have a steak ready for you when you come home. Go be a hero. I’ll see you later.” Jared blew him a kiss. “Be safe, Jense.”  
  
Jensen nipped at the blown kiss and smiled. “Later, Jay.” Spinning on his still wobbly heels, he hightailed it down the steps and out the front door, locking it behind him in time for another honk from Casey.  
  
Casey lowered the window and yelled in his partner’s direction. “That’s seventeen minutes Jensen.”  
  
Jensen flipped Casey his middle finger and jogged down the brick steps to the curb where the car was idling. “Relax. I’m coming.”  
  
“Funny, I thought you already did that part.”  
  
All Jensen could do was shake his head and snort at his friend’s humor as he climbed into the car and took the position he had vacated seventeen minutes ago. It was only 4:00. He had five more hours of his friend busting his balls and making whipped jokes. It was okay though; he was willing to suffer through it for Jared

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Walking through the front door after working the rest of his shift, Jensen found Jared stayed true to his word.  
  
There was a hot sirloin steak with mixed vegetables and a baked potato waiting for him. To top it all off, Jared was already sitting at the table, papers that needed grading spread across the area in front of him. When Jensen entered, Jared snapped his head up to meet his eyes. “Ohh, hey!”  
  
“Hi, Jay.” Taking in the spread on the table, Jensen smiled. “You’ve been busy.” He strode over to Jared and leaned down so as to give him a firm kiss on the lips.  
  
“It was nothing. Well…cooking it was nothing. Having it all done and hot at the same time was a bit of a juggling act.” Jared pushed his papers aside and smiled. “Besides, you deserve it after working hard all day.” The hidden meaning in his word gave Jared’s eyes a glint of naughtiness.  
  
“I did work hard all day. Especially somewhere near 3:40.” Jensen took a seat at the table. “And I am absolutely starving.”  
  
They fell into casual conversation during Jensen’s dinner, Jared even opening a bottle of red wine and pouring a glass for both of them. Jensen raised his eyebrow at that, but Jared shooed him and said that one glass couldn’t hurt anything.  
  
One turned into two and before they knew it, Jensen had Jared pinned up against the wall, hands finally taking their time with teasing little moans out of his husband’s mouth.  
  
It was a weird scramble to get up the stairs while entangled in each other’s arms and trying to tug clothing off but they’d done it enough times to make it to their bed in one piece.  
  
When they finally did, Jared shoved Jensen backwards and crawled on top of him. “Lay back and relax officer. I’m going to ride you…been thinking about it all day.” Jared leaned closer and kissed Jensen with a messy war of tongues. He pulled away and breathed hotly in Jensen’s ear. “And you better last longer than fifteen minutes.”  
  
Jensen’s dick rose to the challenge and he smiled through another kiss with Jared. Casey’s teasing all day was worth it. With Jared on top of him and his head fuzzy from wine, Jensen couldn’t deny that he loved his life.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Casey had been out of the car for less than a minute, on his way to pick up his daughter, when Jensen’s radio erupted with a static garbled call from dispatch.  
  
The domestic disturbance call was less than a mile from his location, and though he was due to return to the station in a half hour, Jensen’s morality got the best of him. He was alone, but rarely did domestic disturbances necessitate two officers.  
  
Cockiness getting the best of him, Jensen picked up the radio and responded that he was in route.  
  
He knew the address well, knew that that part of town was mostly harmless but came with more visits from the police than other areas. It might not have been the best idea to go out on his own, but he’d been without a partner before. Jensen’s day had been relatively boring and he felt taking the call was his civic duty to justify his salary.  
  
Night sprung up on him as he pulled the car alongside the proper address. The house looked dark, deserted almost, and he radioed the station to make sure he had the correct location.  
  
Address confirmed, Jensen made his way to the front door, knocking firmly. When no answer came, he gave another rapid knock. “Anyone home? Hello?” He stood in silence, listening for sounds of life behind the door. “This is the police. If anyone is there, open the door.” He knocked again with similar results as before. Taking a few steps back, Jensen yelled, “Stand clear of the door. I’m coming in.” With two strong kicks, Jensen sent the door flying open to reveal a dark hallway. Announcing himself as he went along, Jensen crept into the house, body tense and eyes on alert. He flicked the switch beside the door several times but the house was still blanketed in darkness. “Well, shit.”  
  
Alarm bells went off in his head as he fished for his flashlight and darted it around the house, the beam bouncing off the seemingly empty rooms. Something wasn’t right; the house was too dark and with the power cut Jensen suspected there was more going on than just the run of the mill domestic disturbance call.  
  
Intent on informing the station, his hand went to his waist to grab his radio. The chance was snatched from him when he felt something crash into him from behind, the force bringing him roughly to the ground. The last things his brain could focus on were panic and a sharp sting at his neck before all his thoughts were wiped out as his world went dark.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared had given up on simple reminder texts and full out rang Jensen’s cell phone when his husband didn’t show up after work. Normally it wasn’t a big deal, sometimes Jensen got stuck finishing up a case or paper work. Jared learned long ago that being a cop didn’t start and stop at the hours allotted on one’s schedule, sort of like teaching. But Jensen was supposed to be off at six and promised he would be home by seven to make it to dinner with Jared’s parents. Now, at almost eight, Jared was past the casual concern phase. He was full out panicking.  
  
Jared’s parents had been calling him in fifteen minute intervals. Quite frankly, their concern over missing their reservations was the furthest thing from Jared’s mind. It prompted him to snap at them and pull out of the plans all together. The remorse came when he finally told his parents what was going on, prompting both his parents voluntarily coming over to lend support.  
  
His father tried brushing it off, supposing that Jensen was probably in the middle of an arrest and couldn’t get to the phone. He was sure Jensen would call as soon as he had a moment.  
  
It had happened before.  
  
Still, when Jensen’s phone when straight to voicemail, no ringing, Jared’s heart couldn’t stop pounding.  
  
He had been with Jensen long enough to know the fears that came with being married to a cop and he kept them all in check…usually. In the beginning, there had been silly overreactions or freak outs over nothing, but lately, his unwavering determination that Jensen was smart and good at his job put most fears to rest.  
  
Hands shaking, he dialed the station’s number, bypassing the people he would usually call and going straight for Jensen’s chief. He had the number in their tiny phone book, scrawled in Jensen’s handwriting with neat red letters stating “Use Only For Emergencies!” under it.  
  
As the phone rang, Jared drummed his fingers uneasily against the kitchen counter. He practically jumped into the phone when he heard the call connect. “Hi, um, Bruce?” Jared knew his voice was shaky and tried to hold on to the fact that they will all have a good laugh about this when Jensen does turn out to be safe and sound. Jensen’s coworkers are going to give him hell, and he is probably going to make Jared feels very guilty about that fact.  
  
That is exactly what’s going to happen.  
  
But as soon as he heard Bruce’s replay, Jared knew something was wrong. Bruce sounded like a version of himself but his words were forced and calculated.  
  
“Jared, there…” There was a pained pause in Bruce’s words and Jared stopped caring about them.  
  
“Where’s Jensen?”  
  
“Jared, I need you to calm down.”  
  
“Where is JENSEN?” His voice was loud, yelling when he knew it would do him no good. It didn’t matter, he yelled anyway as the rapid pulse of his heart drowned out his hearing. “Where’s Jensen? He didn’t come home and….”  
  
Bruce wasn’t saying anything for the moment. He wasn’t telling Jared that everything was okay, which meant that everything wasn’t okay. Instead, he sat in silence while Jared fell into a chair and cradled the phone to his ear.  
  
A sigh traveled across the line as Bruce cursed under his breath. “Jared, Jensen’s missing.”  
  
“Missing? What do you mean missing?” Jared’s ears perked up when the door pushed open. For a moment he thought it was Jensen, but it turned out to be his parents using their spare key to come keep him company, as promised. His mother must have picked up on some expression on his face because she rushed forward and fell in line beside Jared.  
  
“I mean…He never came back from his patrol. He…god Jared…Casey was just heading over there to tell you. He…” Bruce’s words were pained and confused, like he couldn’t make out what needed to be said first. “He was the last one to see Jensen.”  
  
“Well, yeah, they’re partners, so…yeah…”  
  
“Casey left early today, at 6:30. Jensen went out on a domestic disturbance call on his own. Dispatch heard from him around 6:40 and then…then, nothing. We went by the scene, scourged the area with cops. His patrol car was there, but Jensen wasn’t. We found his radio in the house but –“  
  
“What the hell are you telling me Bruce?”  
  
“We think someone took Jensen.” The forced calm in Bruce’s voice was transparent. “Jared, we’re doing everything we possibly can.”  
  
“And you’re telling me this now?” Jared lost his grip on the phone and it tumbled into his lap. He grabbed for it, hands uncoordinated enough to make the task difficult. Through he was trying not to, he was losing a grip on figuring out what to do next. Part of him wanted to close his eyes and wake up from the nightmare that was beginning to take hold of his life. “What can I do? How can I help?”  
  
“Right now, the best thing you can do is sit tight and let us know if anyone tries to contact you. We have everyone on the force looking into this, the best guys we’ve got, Jared. Just sit tight and try to help Casey out by answering some questions when he gets there.”  
  
“You want me to sit here? You want me to do nothing?” Jared voice shook. “He’s my husband Bruce! And you are fucking telling me to do nothing! Something could have happened to him, he could be…oh my god, he could be…” He didn’t let himself finish the sentence, instead, even though it was irrational, Jared lost it. He crumpled into a fit of uncontrollable nervous shaking and tears as he pitched the phone against the room, sending it to its death with a loud crash against the wall. He slipped from the chair, knees hitting the carpet with a thud as he fell apart.  
  
“Jared? Jared, sweetie?” Sherri lowered herself to her knees beside her son and rested a hand on his shoulder. Jared flinched and shook her off but on a second try, the attempt at comfort stuck. “What is going on with Jensen?”  
  
Choking on a sob, Jared looked up at his parents with shattered eyes. The worries he kept in deep dark places had finally found their way out. Jensen going missing was the second on a list of worries Jared coped with on a daily basis, only coming in second to murder. His world was spinning, no doubt amplified by his heart rate and sheen of sweat breaking out over his body.  
  
“Jen-Jensen’s missing.”

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen’s first cognitive thought was that he was stuck in one of those semi-lucid dreams that he couldn’t force himself to wake up from.  
  
His second was that he had way too much to drink the night before. Why on earth would he drink so much on a work night?  
  
Shards of memory flooded back to Jensen, distorted and missing chunks of time, and the experience was overwhelming. His body felt numb but it edged on that tingling feeling, like limbs coming back to life.  
  
He distinctly remembered not drinking the previous night, but he couldn’t remember the previous night at all. He tried opening his eyelids but they were sluggish and gave him squinted vision, making his eyes work overtime to try to make sense of his surroundings.  
  
His head felt like bombs were exploding on the inside of his skull and he wanted to vomit. Trying to roll over from his belly down position on the bed, Jensen’s mind hitched on the fact that he couldn’t move. He tried his limbs again, but even though they were trying to obey his brain’s commands, they were locked down tight.  
  
Things surged back into focus then. With more vigor he tried to kick his legs and found that they too were spread wide and locked down at the ankles. He saw colors dance before his eyes as agony blossomed through his body, tingling numbness giving way to raw pain. It blew his eyes wide and sent a strangled gasp out past his sandpaper tongue.  
  
His body lurched forward with a force that wasn’t his own and Jensen realized for the first time that there was a possibility that something more than just restraints was holding his legs down. His chest rubbed against the rough fabric of a sad excuse for a mattress and Jensen let out a sudden yell. He didn’t mean it, but all of his senses waking up at the same time was overpowering. There was a burning sensation of stretching skin and Jensen’s brain went into overdrive to pinpoint what was exactly happening. The realization dawned on him with crystal clarity when another jerk shoved his body forward and the burning blacked out his vision. All air left his lungs and he tried another futile attempt to wiggle out of the restraints.  
  
“Oh, so you are awake?”  
  
The voice sent a cold chill through Jensen’s body and he froze, muscles tensing as they woke up from whatever sedative was coursing through his body. It made the burn of his rape – the word came to his mind quickly for it had come to the conclusion that rape was what was actually happening to him – inescapable. His muscles locked up, making the unrelenting thrusting into his body shoot nauseating waves of pain through the area.  
  
“This whole ordeal was a lot easier when you were out of it, but, this is more fun.” The voice was dark, power drunk and calculating. He crushed a palm to the back of Jensen’s head and pushed his face into the mattress roughly, making it difficult for Jensen to get a decent breath.  
  
Jensen was going to throw up. It wasn’t a possibility, it was going to happen. His stomach twisted in knots and his heart skipped time, making him lightheaded and disoriented. He had to get his wits about him, had to think of a plan if he wanted to get out of his situation.  
  
He could get out of this situation; he’d trained for seemingly desolate instances. He had to hold onto that thought.  
  
The fact that the precinct was most likely looking for him was the only glimmer of hope he had to hold onto. He was lost for any other option because all he could piece together was that his world went dark somewhere on Arjay Avenue and that he was restrained to a bed on his stomach in an almost completely darkened room. He couldn’t see his rapist, but he could hear him moving, making satisfied grunts every time Jensen couldn’t stop himself from crying out.  
  
The pain was intense for more reasons than just the man’s roughness and unbearable pace. Jensen could count on both hands how many times he had bottomed for Jared during their relationship. If he included his toes, he could count how many times he had bottomed during his lifetime.  
  
He had a feeling he was bleeding because something hot and fluid ran down his thigh in quick, thin rivulets.  
  
Feeling like his skin was crawling, Jensen struggled, shifting so as to throw off the man’s rhythm. He let an angry growl escape his throat.  
  
“Easy baby. Don’t want to hurt yourself even more, do you?”  
  
“Fuck you!” He spat the words out and fought harder, succeeding in pausing the man’s actions momentarily.  
  
“Nah, I prefer it the other way around.”  
  
“I’m a cop. You don’t know what a huge mistake you’re making right now.” Jensen was sure he had meant the words to sound threatening, but instead, they came out scared and worn, any power in them drowned out when the man moved again with a sudden thrust.  
  
“No, I know. It’s why I’m doing it.” The man held Jensen down firmly, growling in annoyance when Jensen’s fighting threw off his rhythm again. “Fine. Have it your way.” The man lifted from the bed but returned, inflicting a familiar sharp sting to Jensen’s neck. “Night, night, baby.”  
  
Jensen choked on bile and Jared’s name before losing himself to oblivion again. His last thought was the sick realization that maybe it was better this way, maybe the numbness was better.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

It has been two days and Jared hasn’t ingested more than coffee and a piece of bread.  
  
He was like a ghost of himself. In the mirror, his reflection still looked like him. But inside, he felt like a stranger walking through a house that some people named Jared and Jensen owned. He didn’t feel like that person.  
  
It has been 48 hours since Jensen went missing and no one was any closer to pinpointing what happened to his husband.  
  
It was like he just ‘poofed’ out of existence.  
  
Megan was sitting on the couch watching her brother pace, a cup of cooling neglected coffee filling her helpless hands with the task of holding it. She wasn’t saying anything, but her eyes furrowed with worry as she followed Jared’s movements.  
  
She was just the latest in a string a relatives who refused to leave him alone after he pretty much lost it on Casey and punched him across the face. Casey, for his part, took it like a champ and let Jared knock him down, mumbling some bull shit about feeling guilt for letting this happen to his partner. And when Jared had punched him again, Casey simply held onto him and let Jared cry into his chest. Jared latched on to Casey, grasping the last link to his husband that anyone could ascertain. Casey wasn’t giving up on Jensen and neither was his wife, Kris; at least Jared had someone other than a relative in his corner.  
  
His world had become a series of cops walking in and out of their front door and relatives taking up shifts sleeping on their couch and in their guest room. It had become a series of questions and speculation and forcing Jared to think about anyone who would willingly want to hurt Jensen.  
  
His life dissolved into a series of jumpy rabbit jitters when the front door opened or the phone rang. And Jared thought that maybe this was what death felt like because he was numb to everything, even the anger that faded out on its own after 24 hours of yelling and screaming.  
  
Megan’s voice startled him and he turned to give her a lifeless glance so that she could repeat herself.  
  
“You have to eat something Jared.”  
  
“I’m not hungry.” Jared wrapped his arms around himself and sighed.  
  
“Well too bad. Jensen will never forgive me if you starve yourself.” Megan rose to her feet and closed the distance between them. “Jay…” She let out a slow breath before pulling Jared into a hug. It was awkward at first, Jared keeping his arms crossed between them and towering over her with his added height, but he started to surrender to the embrace. “They’re going to find him, Jared. You just have to keep thinking that. Jensen’s the strongest person I know and he’ll defy all odds to get back to you.”  
  
Jared unfurled his arms and collapsed into the hug. With a tearful shudder, he wrapped his arms around his sister’s back and held on like a lifeline. Tears eked their way out of his eyes, peppering her hair with drops of moisture as he let his resolution fall to the side again. “I need him to be okay, Megan.”

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Water filled Jensen’s mouth and he woke choking on it and spitting it out across the mattress. He coughed twice before the water was back; this time, he swallowed it down, the liquid soothing his scream sore throat. One last mouthful of water was offered and he didn’t refuse it, he wasn’t ready to give up the fight yet.  
  
“Why are you doing this?” Jensen’s voice crawled out of his throat, gravely and hoarse and warped with pain.  
  
“I thought we clarified that already.” The voice moved to the other side of the room and returned with a buttered roll. He placed it in front of Jensen’s face but didn’t offer to free his hands or help him eat it. Instead, if Jensen wanted food, he was going to have to degrade himself further and eat like an animal. “I’m doing it because I can.”  
  
Jensen’s world had been a weird cycle of torture, rape, and moments like this, when he was given enough to sustain him through another round of abuse. The days all spun into one, but based on how many times he was eating and how sore his body was, he guessed he had been gone a week or more. This figure was staggering because he knew that the chances that his coworkers would find him were decreasing as the hours ticked by.  
  
He could have given up; that would have been easier. His voice barely worked anymore from screaming in hopes of getting someone’s attention. The efforts proved futile and all Jensen was left with were diminished hopes and busted vocal cords. But when he closed his eyes in drug induced sleep, he saw Jared. He couldn’t give up on trying to get back to Jared.  
  
“You going to eat or am I going to have to make better use of that mouth?”  
  
“Go ahead asshole! I dare you.” Jensen snarled and twisted his head but was unable to see anything in the darkness.  
  
“I don’t trust those pretty little lips of yours. They come with a pretty set of teeth.” The voice laughed before smacking Jensen on the back of the head. He redistributed his weight on the bed and Jensen knew what was going to come next.  
  
Gritting his teeth through the pain, Jensen swallowed a scream as his captor took his abused body once again.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Two weeks and Jared was finding that all he did was cry or yell.  
  
He’d taken a leave of absence from work without any resistance; hell, human resources had practically done the paperwork for him. He didn’t know what was worse, the fact that they all treated him like glass about the break any moment or that he actually was about to break at any moment.  
  
There were no leads on Jensen’s whereabouts and the police finally decided to go public with his disappearance. At first, Bruce had explained to Jared that they intended to try to keep the case restricted to police involvement, figuring that Jensen’s captor was acting out of a need for attention and power. They were going to keep information under wraps and not let the media get wind of one of America’s finest dropping off the radar.  
  
They were also treating Jared with the sensitivity he deserved.  
  
But that was two weeks ago. Now all bets were off the table.  
  
Jared had seemingly become suspect number one even though the two officers assigned to monitor him thought they were being slick in hiding their real motive. Somewhere along the line, focus shifted from believing someone unrelated to Jared and Jensen had kidnapped Jensen to putting focus on Jared.  
  
And why the fuck not? Didn’t all married couples secretly want to murder their spouse? Jared couldn’t even believe that this was happening to him.  
  
This was not his life. This was not his part to play.  
  
But still, the cops were insistent.  
  
The worst part was that sometimes they dropped their pretenses and asked him questions straight out. Mostly, they wanted to know where Jared was the night of Jensen’s disappearance.  
  
Home.  
  
Did he have any witnesses to that?  
  
No.  
  
Was he sure?  
  
Yes! Unless the papers he was grading could magically come to life and verify that he was in fact at home that night.  
  
It made him want to scream or break something or both. There was no way on earth he would hurt anyone, let alone Jensen. Still, the police insisted that they “had to follow every lead and verify everyone’s involvement.”  
  
Jared’s family, and Jensen’s too, backed him up as character witnesses, Jensen’s father, Alan, had even almost been arrested when he got a little too abrasive with an officer who insinuated that Jared might have anything to do with his son’s disappearance.  
  
It had all started spiraling out of control and Jared couldn’t figure out who were the good guys and who were the bad guys. Everything he had ever depended on, had been taught to have faith in, was falling apart.  
  
Alone for the night in the eerie emptiness of their home, Jared flicked on the television in a habitual movement before his brain registered what he was actually doing. Once the screen flashed on, it was too late, he had opened Pandora’s Box.  
  
The news was on, playing clips about Jensen’s disappearance and flashing that same photo of a smiling Jensen in uniform, the one Jared had provided the police with on day one.  
  
Since the cops had gone public with the case two days ago, it seemed to be the only thing on their local news stations. They played the same story, shared the same facts, but sometimes the faces changed. Sometimes they showed pictures or spliced together interviews with whomever the news crews could get a sound bite from.  
  
Jared had learned to stay away from the news yesterday, but it was on now and it was like a car crash he could neither stop nor ignore.  
  
The inevitable clip of Jared refusing the give a comment to microphones being shoved in his face came on, followed with speculative comments about reasons behind the refusal, some stating that it was a sign of guilt on Jared’s part. In reality, it was because Jared’s heart had been falling apart since Jensen’s disappearance and he was barely functioning enough to breathe, let alone speak. He didn’t trust his voice and he didn’t want to waste memories of Jensen on people who wouldn’t appreciate them.  
  
The news story warped into one about Jared, seemingly harmless high school English teacher. They dug up information on him and put it on public display for the news audience.  
  
Then the picture of Jared with a stamp over it reading “Murderer?” flashed on the screen.  
  
It was enough to pull the final piece holding him together out and Jared collapsed to his knees, stomach rebelling as he retched and coughed and vomited all over their living room floor.  
  
If he ever felt he was experiencing it before, he was wrong. This…this was what dying felt like.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen stumbled into consciousness to the atypical sound of silence in his ‘prison’. He blinked his eyes, long having grown accustomed to the shadows and forgetting what daylight looked like.  
  
He struggled to remember the date, the month, his name….anything that made him feel human again.  
  
The fuzziness in his brain and heaviness in his limbs meant he must be climbing out of a drug induced stupor. Somewhere in the cloudy part of his brain he remembers actually waking up enough to recall being on his back for a change, still tied down and spread but flipped over for a whole new round of abuse.  
  
His captor hadn’t needed to drug him again because Jensen’s body took care of that for him. Exhaustion and malnutrition dragged him back down into the darkness where he couldn’t remember what happened to him.  
  
Jensen wasn’t sure if that made it scarier or bearable.  
  
The room was cold, making Jensen cough and shiver uncontrollably. Everything was spinning again and he wasn’t sure he had the energy to fight anymore, to pull off what he had been spending days plotting.  
  
While he had been pretending to be fucked into unconsciousness, Jensen had spotted a dingy white cordless phone strewn near the bed. He didn’t know if it worked, he had never heard it ring, but he knew he could reach it if he could free one of his hands.  
  
The thought renewed his determination and he bit his lip, had, as he yanked his hand at just the right angle and with as much force as necessary.  
  
A yelp rose in his throat but he swallowed it whole, biting his lip harder until the coppery taste of blood flooded his mouth and drowned any further sounds.  
  
Jensen had always known how to slip handcuffs but the angle he was pinned and the tightness at which his captor bound him made it difficult. However, after being flipped on his back and then returned to his original position on his belly, his right handcuff was loose enough to try.  
  
Breaking bones and peeling of skin, Jensen forced his hand free. Without wasting time, he searched wildly for the phone, coming in contact with it almost immediately.  
  
It was too dark to see numbers but his fingers knew where they were…only…they weren’t there.  
  
The phone was missing any type of button or ability to dial the 9, 1 and 0 numbers.  
  
Brain working into overtime, he thought of calling Jared but couldn’t complete that call without a 9 or 0.  
  
There was noise, still far enough away to give him time, but it was quickly coming closer.  
  
Hand throbbing and trembling, Jensen dialed Casey’s number, knowing he wouldn’t have a chance to say anything into the phone. He tossed it aside as soon as the sound of a door opening hit his ears.  
  
But it was too late.  
  
“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Jensen’s rapists’ voice exploded in his ears and rattled his resolution.  
  
Breaking his hand and making his memory function enough to remember Casey’s phone number had been the easy parts. Jensen knew what came next called for him keep his composure enough to let out a sound that held some semblance of the man he was weeks ago.  
  
His throat hitched on a sound but he pushed through, “Ordering a pizza. Extra cheese and hot sauce.” He almost laughed, half deranged and half unhinged, but a fist connecting with the side of his head stopped any further sounds from escaping. His body jerked, tensing with the reflex to defend himself but that right was stolen from him by the three remaining restraints.  
  
The man got Jensen’s free arm pinned behind his back and one more blow to the head blacked out Jensen’s vision and he was out cold.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared didn’t know how he found himself fidgeting in front of a mirror preparing to voluntarily go on camera to plead for Jensen’s safe return.  
  
Jensen’s parents, being more affluent and well known than his own, had come up with some master plan to construct a crisis center of sorts where people could come to volunteer time and support to the search for Jensen. To the news media, the Ackles looked like the perfect doting parents who were stricken with the black mark of a son-in-law and suspected murder like Jared.  
  
Though they meant well, all they did was force Jared to function in the public eye. As Jensen’s husband, everyone expected him to perform as the worried spouse but Jared was numb. He couldn’t feel anything anymore, he couldn’t perform for the media because Jared just couldn’t be anymore.  
  
Somehow, Donna and Alan had gotten a press conference together where they could tell the media – tell the world – that they were all hoping for Jensen’s safe return, that they wouldn’t press charges if Jensen was just delivered home safely, that they were grief stricken. And Jared was a key element to that plan. Donna had told him that he had to go in front of the camera. He had to show himself to Jensen’s attacker because if the culprit had any type of soul he would see how destroyed Jared was and answer their pleas.  
  
Jared’s hands trembled as he tried to knot his tie for the thirteenth time. He felt nauseous, a weird combination of seasickness and claustrophobic.  
  
Megan came to steady Jared’s hands, calmly pushing them aside and taking control of knotting the tie. “Jared, this could be good. It might help people see you in a better light, in the right light.” She deftly looped the fabric around and tugged until the knot was perfect.  
  
“They think I have something to do with this Megan. I…I could never…I…” Jared’s eyes furrowed and he sucked in his bottom lip.  
  
“Hey, I know. I know you didn’t. You couldn’t. You couldn’t hurt a fly. They’re all just itching for some gossip to distract them from their own lives.” Megan squeezed Jared’s hand and smiled sadly. It was the smile she always plastered on her face when she didn’t know what to do.  
  
Both of their head’s swung to the right when Donna peeked in the small back area of the auditorium they were holding the conference in. “Jared? Are you ready sweetie?”  
  
Jared didn’t trust his words, he nodded a little too vigorously for Megan’s liking and let out a deep breath.  
  
“It’s okay Jared. We are going to bring him home.” Donna reached out a hand, which Jared tentatively took, and squeezed onto her son-in law. “We just have to show everyone how much he means to this family.”  
  
Nodding again, Jared wet his lips. Donna and Alan had been wonderful, 100% supportive of Jared and resolute in their belief that Jared had no part in their son’s disappearance. They kept up the united front when Jared had too many cracks to do so.  
  
The rest happened quickly, and suddenly Jared found himself thrust up on stage, sandwiched between his in-laws with a microphone in his face and too many cameras pointed in his direction.  
  
Donna took charge of the beginning script, telling everyone the story of Jensen that anyone who had watched the news in the last month probably already knew. Jared drifted off to another planet, staring blankly ahead as the heat and pressure of the room made his stomach roll over. He didn’t know how long had passed but Donna was pushing at his ribs and clearing her throat to signal that it was his turn to speak.  
  
Coming to his senses, Jared blinked rapidly and stood upright. “Oh!” He took a deep breath, inhaling into the microphone too loudly and sending a distorted sound through the crowd. “We’re here today, standing in front of everyone, to ask whoever took Jensen to please return him to his family. He…he….” Jared swallowed and deviated from his original speech. “He’s everything to me and he’s been gone for six weeks and…” Jared’s world dimmed around the edges, vision blacking out with spots and making it hard for him to concentrate on anything.  
  
“Jared?” Alan turned to his son-in-law and put a steadying hand on his back. “Son, are you okay?”  
  
Tunnel vision crept up on Jared and he broke away from his in-laws, stumbling to the edge of the stage, away from the media but still in their sight. He fell to his hands and knees and let the nauseous feeling that had been trying to take hold of him all day finally win. He gagged and emptied his stomach over the edge of the stage. His brain dimly aware that every move he made was most likely on camera.  
  
It didn’t matter; he couldn’t stop himself. If anything, at least people would finally know that losing Jensen was killing him.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jared sat down in slow motion on the edge of the toilet seat.  
  
It had been six weeks since Jensen was ripped out of their lives together.  
  
It had been six weeks and one day since he and Jensen had tried to have a baby.  
  
And it has been three minutes since he took a pregnancy test to determine if what he suspected was correct.  
  
Everyone had accredited his recent penchant in throwing up to the fact that Jared was literally making himself sick with worry. Jared, however, started to know better after the third week of feeling ‘off’. The thought that he was pregnant didn’t click but when he noticed the date on the calendar, his stomach dropped out.  
  
He looked at his watch and reached a tentative hand towards the stick on the edge of the sink. One glance let him know his suspicions were correct. He was pregnant.  
  
None of the emotions he’d expected to hit him when he and Jensen found out they were expecting surfaced.  
  
This was what they had wanted…but not like this.  
  
Not when he was alone in a bathroom, in a house that was empty, with no one to share his news with.  
  
They had never intended on one of them being a single parent, which was what Jared was very strongly starting to believe as the reality of his situation.  
  
With a slow shaky hand, Jared put the test back on the counter and let the numbness spread through his body.  
  
The chill of the bathroom crept in and he put his head in his hands and cried.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

 

 

There was pain in areas of his life that Jensen never expected could hurt the way they did.  
  
Everything was foggy and his eyes couldn’t work despite his multiple attempts to open them and focus on anything but the back of his eyelids.  
  
He suspected that he had been spending more time pulled under with drug induced unconsciousness. He couldn’t call it sleep; sleep would be sugar coating what it felt like when he was ripped out of the wakeful world.  
  
There was a weird fear building in Jensen’s brain when he noticed that every time he woke it was with more difficulty. He was losing the stamina to pull himself into the world of the living because it didn’t feel much like living anymore. The restraints were still there, although, as of late, the straps were done more tightly. When he was alert enough to make note of it, he knew he was getting raped more violently.  
  
There were big chunks of time and memory that went missing, pieces only coming back to him like glass shards that didn’t fit together properly and cut into him.  
  
He was fading out again, this time not from a drug but from surrender that things might never get better again. His body pulsed with hurt and his brain was playing nasty tricks on him.  
  
Never had his captor called him by his name, but he heard someone yelling it at him. His first thought was that it was Jared, but that was just wishful thinking.  
  
When he heard it again, he realized that his rapist sounded a lot like Casey. He didn’t focus on that thought long because his brain was already floating higher and he laughed when he realized he barely remembered what Casey sounded like.  
  
There was a scuffle behind him and then a noise he could never mistake for something else.  
  
The sound of a gunshot made Jensen wonder if someone shot him, if he was dying.  
  
The sick part was, he hoped so.  
  
He thought it odd that there was no pain but his body’s pain levels had short-circuited and he felt like he was fading fast.  
  
He blacked out for a minute but was drawn back into his darkened prison when someone undid the restraints on his legs and then his arms, flipping him over with a clumsy hastiness.  
  
With his left eye completely busted, Jensen had to work in overtime to try and figure out what was going on. He couldn’t focus on anything and it was like looking through warped glass, which was why when he saw Casey’s face floating above him he was certain it must have been a side effect from the drugs he had been pumped full of.  
  
Growling, he punched out lamely and fought back as hard as he could. His limbs were heavy and he didn’t make much of an impact, but his heart speed up and he went feral.  
  
“Jensen!”  
  
Choking on air and struggling to make sense of anything, Jensen caught Casey’s voice again, this time matching it with his face. He fought against whoever was holding him and screamed with hoarse cries.  
  
“Jensen! It’s me. It’s Casey.” Casey struggled to get Jensen calm enough for the man to realize what was going on, to understand that Casey was the help he had been hoping for all these weeks.  
  
Voice sounding defeated and weak, Jensen went still. “Case?”  
  
“Yeah, Jensen. It’s me. I’ve gotcha.” Casey’s voice came out broken, the cop already scarred from being in Jensen’s prison after only several minutes.  
  
Someone on the other side of the room flicked a switch and white hot light flooded the area and attacked Jensen’s eye. He winced and squeezed his eye shut in voluntary blackness. A shiver ran though his body and Casey realized it was fear, not a chill.  
  
“Shh, he’s dead. I shot the bastard.” Casey scanned the area, finally thrown into light and cursed. His stomach almost dropped out when he saw the dried fluids and wounds marring Jensen’s body. “That fucking sicko, what did he do to you?” Shucking off his shirt, Casey covered Jensen’s nudity as more people filtered in. “You’re safe now. We are going to take you to a hospital.”  
  
Jensen was losing his grip on the conversation and his eye rolled back.  
  
Casey shifted, Jensen still laying most of his body weight against him, so that he could pull out his cell phone. The last thing Jensen heard before he let oblivion take him were Casey’s words into his cell phone.  
  
“Jared, we found Jensen. He’s alive.”

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

If Jeff hadn’t been with Jared when he got the call, he might have been dead by now. Casey’s phone call hit him in the middle of driving to the police station for more questioning and he almost drove off the road. It was stupid, but his brain stopped working and only focused on Casey’s last statement.  
  
He’s alive.  
  
He’s alive.  
  
Jensen is alive.  
  
Jeff’s quick thinking and grabbing of the wheel had saved them from a head on with a minivan and a lot more guilt that Jared couldn’t shoulder right now.  
  
And it was Jeff who got them to the hospital where Casey said they were bringing Jensen.  
  
But Jared was out the door before his brother had even properly parked the car, almost tripping and meeting asphalt in the process.  
  
He flew through the corridors of the hospital but he didn’t need to stop to inquire where Jensen had been taken, the sea of uniformed officers clued him in.  
  
“Where is he?”  
  
Bruce pushed forward, cutting off Jared’s path before he could reach the crowd. He caught him with both palms against Jared’s shoulders and sighed. “Jared, maybe you should sit down.”  
  
Jared glared, losing all proper manners as he shoved back at Bruce. He knew most of the proceedings during the investigation surrounding Jensen’s disappearance were not totally Bruce’s ideas, and he was fairly certain that Bruce himself never thought Jared did anything to harm Jensen, but still, Bruce had done very little to sway the public’s opinion of that thought. There was a lot of anger in Jared and unfortunately Bruce was the first to cross his path. “Where is my fucking husband.”  
  
Taking the verbal assault like penance, Bruce continued in a calm, steady voice. “He’s in bad shape Jared.”  
  
Instantly, Jared regretted not heading Bruce’s suggestion about sitting down because his legs started to feel weak and his lungs were having trouble working properly. “He…”  
  
Bruce caught Jared with both hands before the man wavered too much and ushered him down into a nearby chair. “He’s in surgery right now. It’s bad, but the doctors are doing everything they can. They aren’t going to let him die, not after he held on so long.”  
  
“Die?” Jared never associated the word as part of the outcome of rescuing Jensen. Rescue always came with good things, a chance to rebuild and be put back together again. It wasn’t supposed to come with watching something getting pulled out of your grasp.  
  
“He’s not going to die, Jared.” Casey’s voice came from beside Jared and he whipped his head in search of Jensen’s partner.  
  
Casey looked worse for wear, worry making him look older and more tired. But that wasn’t what Jared focused on. His eyes caught on the white undershirt Casey was wearing because it was smeared in dried blood. His stomach felt queasy and he had to close his eyes to it. “Casey, your shirt….”  
  
In an impossible attempt to do so, Casey tried to spread his palms over his shirt to hide the blood. “It’s going to be okay. I found him Jared.”  
  
“Just like you promised you would.” Words whisper soft, Jared sucked in his lips and inhaled a shuddering breath.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“You found him.” Jared pushed out of his chair and launched himself at Casey. He hugged him fiercely, letting tears finally fall into Casey’s shirt, the one Jared was sure was stained with Jensen’s blood. “You found him for me.” The emotional intensity of the situation crept up on him and Jared’s cries flowed faster and harder as he held on to Casey. “Thank you, Casey. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”  
  
Casey pulled Jared against him tighter, turning them so that they were obscured from the prying eyes of the other officers. He let out a cry himself, fueled by the horrors he had found and the relief that he had pulled Jensen out of them. They stayed like that, with only tears and no words, for a few moments before Casey spoke. “He’s not going to die. He’s too stubborn for that. He was out of it in the ambulance on the way over here but he kept saying your name.”  
  
“He did?” Jared shook, hit by guilt at the thought of Jensen being alone and injured so badly that Bruce thought it was enough to warrant death. “And I wasn’t there…and he…” Jared’s breath hitched and he tried to hold in a cry. His heart hurt and he didn’t know how to make it better.  
  
“I know. I can’t imagine how you feel, but you couldn’t have done anything about it.” He squeezed Jared’s shoulder reassuringly. “I stayed with him the whole time. I even stayed with him in there,” he gestured towards the O.R., “until they pried me out.”  
  
Jared nodded, forcing himself to refocus. He couldn’t let himself fall apart like this; Jensen needed him to be strong right now. As the thought rolled around in his head, it sounded cliché. Pulling out of Casey’s steadying hold, he looked the man dead in the eye. “I need you to tell me what happened to him. I need you to tell me everything.” When Jared saw a hesitant look on Casey’s face, his face went desperate. “Please? I need to know what I am going to find behind those doors and I want you to be the one to tell me about it. No sugar coating. I want to know everything.”  
  
“Jay, it’s pretty hairy.”  
  
“Please, Casey?”  
  
Sighing, shoulders falling in defeat, Casey surveyed the area quickly. He nodded a silent yes and pulled Jared over to the corner, sitting them both in a secluded alcove of the waiting room. “Yeah, alright. I’ll tell you what I know. But I am sure we are going to learn a lot more.”  
  
“Thank you.” Jared folded his hands in his lap and strengthened himself to the onslaught of truth.  
  
“What we found…we weren’t prepared for any of that. We…I…” Casey paused to find a beginning that made sense. “The number that Jensen called my phone with – the one I told you about – we had trouble tracing it. But when we did, it was more messed up than we expected. I insisted on going along with the team. They knew I was a liability, and I guess they were right because I shot the bastard clear in the face. We are waiting for an ID on him. But Jared, this asshole didn’t just kidnap Jensen, he was torturing him.”  
  
Jared sucked in a breath. He had guessed as much, but hearing it as truth still rattled him. “Tortured how?”  
  
The word got stuck on Casey’s tongue before he forced it out with all the distaste it deserved. “Rape. He raped him. Continuously and violently. They guy kept him tied down to a bed and tore Jensen apart inside. The blood…” Casey practically gagged on disgust and had to pause to keep himself from getting sick. “He was malnourished and dehydrated. On top of all that, he was being sedated. The hospital is running every blood test under the sun to figure out what it was and how it is going to affect him in the future. They are also trying to see if…if his rapist passed on any diseases to him.”  
  
“Oh god.” Jared’s hand flew to his mouth. He didn’t want to hear any more but he owed it to Jensen. His husband had to live through it, he could be strong enough to hear the details. “Is there anything else?” The look on Casey’s face gave away the fact that there was. “What? What else?”  
  
“He has a shattered right hand, I suspect it is from trying to slip a cuff. His whole body is bruised and swollen and his left eye…I think the doctors said something about an Orbital rim fracture in his left eye.”  
  
Jared had been keeping the building nauseous feeling under control but the news he just heard and the fact that he was fixated on Casey’s bloody shirt again shattered his resolution. Casey’s words painted gory picture in his brain and thinking of Jensen in such a state sent him bolting towards the waste bin around the corner. Casey was hot on his heels but all he cared about was emptying the contents of his stomach and hoping the nightmare he found himself in could go with it.  
  
“Jared?” Casey caught Jared around the waist, supporting the man as he gripped the waste pin and sagged back into Casey’s hold.  
  
With a violent lurch forward, Jared vomited, thankful that he was away from witnesses other than Casey. Casey didn’t count, he was practically family. Jensen would do anything to protect Casey and Kris; now, it was Casey’s turn to prove he felt the same way about Jensen and Jared.  
  
“Jared? You okay? Maybe you should get checked out, you could be in shock.”  
  
Voice emotionless, Jared wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m not in shock.”  
  
“You don’t know that.”  
  
“I’m pregnant.” The words felt odd coming out of Jared’s mouth. He hadn’t uttered the fact out loud since he found out last week and everything about saying them felt wrong.  
  
“What?” Casey’s eyes widened at the curve ball Jared just threw his way.  
  
Jared knew Casey heard correctly. He fell back against the wall, looking up at Casey with pleading eyes. “Don’t tell anyone, not even my family. You’re the only one who knows. I just...I just couldn’t deal with it…I…”  
  
“Hey, Jared, it’s okay. One step at a time. But you’ve got to take care of yourself, ‘specially now, since…you know.” He gestured to Jared’s middle. “I shouldn’t have gotten you so upset. If I had known-“  
  
“No. No, I needed to hear all of that.”  
  
“Did you call anyone? Let them know we found Jensen?”  
  
“No, I…No. Jeff is here…somewhere.” Jared looked around blindly. “I just, maybe you could? Could you call? I can’t…I…”  
  
“Yeah. Bruce and I will spread the word. You sit here. “  
  
Jared grabbed onto Casey’s hand and squeezed his own around it. “Can you stay here? Stay until they let me see him?”  
  
“I’m not going anywhere. Kris will be here too.” Casey squeezed Jared’s hand back. “He’s going to pull out of this Jared. He will. You have to believe that.”  
  
And Jared did, because there was no other option. Jensen had to rise above all that had happened to him.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared had taken up a permanent residence beside Jensen’s bedside. He didn’t have any plans on moving, despite how much his and Jensen’s family tried to convince him to get some rest.  
  
Jensen had been unconscious since the surgeons finished resetting all of his fractures, pulled under from anesthetics that they used to keep him out long enough to avoid further pain. They had also stitched up the tears his rapists inflicted on parts of Jensen that Jared didn’t want to think about someone other than himself touching.  
  
He was uncomfortably stationed in the chair the hospital staff provided him with, shivering from a combination of exhaustion, low sugar levels, and fear Jensen wouldn’t wake up the same person he loved.  
  
Because he knew, Casey tried more than most to get Jared to eat something but Jared refused, holding onto the excuse that he would probably just throw it up anyway. Eventually, Casey relented but mostly because Bruce needed him in the station to give is statement of what went down.  
  
There had been a moment when Jared almost told his mother he was pregnant. He almost slipped, almost took some of the attention off Jensen, where it needed to be, and put it on himself.  
  
He didn’t need his family know what was going on because he didn’t need them to fuss over him more than they already where.  
  
In a sick, dark part of his soul, Jared wished the baby didn’t exist because all he could think about was how every moment of his pregnancy was irrevocably tied to Jensen’s ordeal. Being pregnant right now was marred in a way that was never meant to be. Yet, it was happening and he didn’t know how he and Jensen could help create another human when both men were dealing with inhumanity.  
  
Inhuman. That is the only word Jared could find to define what had happened to his husband.  
  
Casey had said it was a man; it was a man that he had shot in the face when their squad found Jensen. But Jared knew otherwise; it was a monster.  
  
No man could have torn Jensen apart like that.  
  
Jensen was, and still is, the strongest person Jared knew. If something could destroy him so completely, then that thing wasn’t human.  
  
In the disturbingly silent room, Jared was faced with what happens when humanity loses out to monsters. The only sounds in his world were the residual noise from the hallway and the whirring of the machines monitoring Jensen, the same ones that Jared stared at every five seconds to reaffirm that Jensen was alive. The monitors said so. His heart was beating – awkwardly, but it was beating. Everything else was a silent type of noise, the noise that destroyed his brain and sent static to jam his thought process. His vision was crowded with the sight of Jensen’s bruises, scrapes, and gaunt appearance. The Orbital Rim fracture required that half of his face was wrapped up like a poor excuse for a mummy and all Jared could focus on was that he couldn’t see Jensen’s other eye.  
  
It hit Jared hard because when he closed his own eyes; the first thing he pictures if he thinks of Jensen is his eyes. Now he had only one exposed eye and it messed with all the stored pictures in Jared’s brain.  
  
Jared knew that Jensen’s hand had been shattered, broken in several places, but until he saw his husband, it didn’t sink in that it was Jensen’s right hand.  
  
His dominant hand.  
  
The one he shoots his gun with.  
  
Jensen had been a perfect shot and Jared found himself amending that thought to Jensen was a perfect shot.  
  
Looking at the bandages, damp with the tell tale sign of leaking wounds, Jared knew Jensen’s hand was never going to be the same.  
  
What scared Jared, what made him want to throw up despite the fact that there wasn’t even bile left in his system, was the fact that the worst damage done to Jensen was the type you couldn’t see. Yes, he knew there was physical damage he couldn’t see at the moment, the type covered by bandages and blankets. But the type he worried about was covered by defense tactics and avoidance.  
  
Jensen never admitted to weakness easily and Jared was positive that this wouldn’t be an exception. The thought alone was overwhelming and heartbreaking, making his heart pound uneasily.  
  
Jensen’s hand, hot with fever and infection in Jared’s hold, twitched.  
  
“Jen?” Jared perked up, nerves putting him on the edge of hope.  
  
There was another jerky movement, and then Jensen made a noise of discomfort. He shifted, winced in his semi-conscious state, and made a struggle with his eyes to open.  
  
“Hey, Jen? Open your eye baby.” Jared ran his thumb over the back of Jensen’s knuckles, trying to contain everything in his body that was screaming to jump up and down with joy that Jensen was at least trying to wake up. He didn’t want to overwhelm his husband, but he couldn’t help but grab on to the fact that Jensen waking up was a good sign. “It’s okay Jensen. It’s okay. It’s Jared.”  
  
Seeming to move in slow motion, Jensen’s eye strained with effort before finally popping open. He didn’t raise himself from the bed, but his eye darted blindly around the room. There was panic behind his look, a type of silent panic that let Jared understand that Jensen had no idea what was going on.  
  
“Hey Jensen. Hi baby.” Jared smiled softly and sucked in his bottom lip. “You’re okay baby, you’re in a hospital.”  
  
Jensen blinked, struggled to figure out what was going on, the time, the place, and the reason he couldn’t see the man in front of him properly. “Jay?”  
  
“Yeah, that’s right baby. It’s me. You’re safe.” Jared reached out a hand to brush Jensen’s swollen face but before he even made contact, Jensen flinched with a painful hiss. “Jen?” He tried again and Jensen did the same thing.  
  
There was no mistaking the look on Jensen’s face. Even half out of unconsciousness, Jensen was afraid of him.  
  
Looking like a dog backed into the corner of a cage, Jensen’s expression was heavy with fear. He flinched again, despite the obvious pain to his body and let out a weird choked sound like he didn’t know what was going on or how to act.  
  
The heart monitor to their side went haywire and Jared tried to calm his husband down.  
  
It didn’t matter. Jensen seemed to have over done something and there were more people in the room, forcing Jared out and letting fear in.  
  
None of this was how finding Jensen again was supposed to go.  
  
Jared wasn’t supposed to be the monster.  
  
He was supposed to make the nightmares go away. Only now, after seeing that look on Jensen’s face, Jared had a whole new set of nightmares to haunt him when he closed his eyes.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jared couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But then again, he could. He was living a horror movie so he supposed there was no reason why the things coming out of Jensen’s doctor’s mouth wouldn’t be equally horrific.  
  
He must have stared off in a daze because the doctor was calling his name repeatedly.  
  
“I’m sorry, what?” Jared blinked and shook his head to refocus himself.  
  
“Are you okay? You don’t look well.” The doctor put Jensen’s chart down and focused on Jared.  
  
“No…I’m not okay. I just found out my husband has been raped continuously over the last six weeks. I am definitely not okay.” The anger came out of nowhere, rising up in Jared and making him dizzy. Rationally, he knew the doctor was trying to help. It shouldn’t matter that the events he was describing were only serving to set Jared’s blood to a boil. He was the messenger not the offender. But Jared had spent so many weeks not feeling anything at all that he couldn’t remember how to correctly control his emotions now that Jensen’s rescue returned him to life. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it…at least not that way.”  
  
“It’s okay. I understand.” The doctor stayed quiet long enough to make sure Jared had composed himself. “Are you okay to continue?”  
  
“Yeah…I…” Jared swallowed. “What’s going on with my husband.”  
  
The doctor straightened his glasses and sighed. Just like most of the medical professionals Jared had dealt with in the last hours, the regret in his voice was palpable. “We are waiting for several more test results to come back, but we have a rush on them. We don’t know what his captor was giving him, but we will soon. Quite frankly, I’m not worried about that part. He’s in shock. He’s in and out of consciousness, and his fever is steadily climbing despite our attempts to bring it down. He has an infection in his blood from untreated wounds. With his malnourished and dehydrated state, he is having more trouble fighting it off and we can’t seem to help him. He needs…” The doctor paused, uncertain on how to proceed. “Are you aware of how much internal damage he’s suffered through?”  
  
Jared didn’t want to answer that question. He hated the doctor for making him say what happened to Jensen with his own voice. He had escaped the issue so far. His and Jensen’s families had taken it upon themselves to grill the hospital staff every hour, on the hour.  
  
Instead of using words, Jared nodded.  
  
“Then you know he has severe tearing to his anal cavity, it’s been repeatedly ripped open despite Jensen’s body’s attempt to heal itself. He lost a lot of blood. He’s undergoing a blood transfusion as we speak but he’s been unconscious since you’ve last seen him. Quite frankly, we don’t know what we are dealing with but we are doing everything we can. He’s in good hands, the best we have to offer.”  
  
Jared tuned out. He played along like he’s supposed to. He nodded and shook hands, said thank you but he wasn’t sure why he was thanking for someone with making him feel like he wanted to throw up.  
  
He stumbled into the waiting room again and there was a flash going off in his face.  
  
From out of nowhere, Casey practically tackled the photographer. Jared didn’t even know how he got past all the cops on watch in the hospital. While Casey dragged the man out none to gently, Kris got an arm around Jared and led him to a seat.  
  
“Jared, you don’t look good.” Kris tightened her hands on Jared’s.  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
“You need to eat something, Jared.” When she didn’t get a response, Kris gave the man a pleading look. “Casey told me about the baby. You need to eat, Jared.”  
  
“I can’t, Kris. I can’t. I just…” Jared’s voice wavered. “You haven’t seen him. He…He…I don’t know. He’s scared of me. He looked at me like I was the bad guy, like I was the terrible person the news is making me out to be. I can’t eat. It will just come back up.”  
  
“You have to try.”  
  
Jared heard the words coming out of Kris’ mouth but they didn’t spark any inspiration inside of him. No part of his brain could find the energy to care about himself. He was afraid that if he took even a fraction of his focus off of Jensen, then his husband would fade away. Kris wasn’t the first person to try to get Jared to take care of himself; Megan had been making it her business over the last month. Jared let a cry out of his mouth, collapsing into Kris’s arms despite their size difference. “I don’t know if I can care about this baby right now.” The moment the words left his mouth, he clamped a hand over it. “Oh god! I’m a terrible person.”  
  
“Shh.” Kris hugged her friend. “Don’t say that.” Taking a deep breath, Kris sighed. She’s been at the hospital since she’d dropped her daughter off after Casey called her. She was tired but so was everyone invested in Jensen’s situation. “What you’ve gone though is enough to destroy most people. You’re allowed to be struggling right now. But I’m here for you. We’re all here for you.”  
  
Both of their focuses were drawn to a quickly approaching doctor. Jared hadn’t seen him before but he seemed to know exactly who Jared was, as he was heading directly towards he and Kris.  
  
“Mr. Ackles-Padalecki?” Everything in the doctors tone screamed urgency.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I’m sorry to inform you, but your husband is seizing.” The words came out with a honed professional coolness and stabbed Jared in the heart.  
  
“What?” Jared pulled himself straight and struggled to get to his feet. “What?” He never, however, got an answer because heat rushed through him. He felt like he couldn’t breath as black dots danced in his vision, multiplying until all he saw was darkness. He barely felt his knees giving out as he wobbled and hit the floor, hard.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared stared at a doctor while he made it apparent that he thought Jared was the worst soon to be parent on the planet. The doctor didn’t need words to make it apparent, his body language said it all.  
  
Jared couldn’t stop staring at the I.V. in his arm, seeing it as something tethering him to the bed and keeping him away from Jensen. He tried to get out of the bed but dizziness hit him and he groaned as the doctor put a hand on his shoulder to keep him in the bed.  
  
Everything felt hot. Jared knew that wasn’t the case, but things still felt stifling, like he couldn’t escape them.  
  
“Mr. Ackles-Padalecki, are you listening to me?” The doctor hovering in Jared’s field of vision.  
  
“I know. I know. I need to eat something.” Jared’s stomach felt like a vice grip, which wasn’t so far off considering the amount of times he had thrown up in the last ten hours.  
  
With a stern look, the doctor tried to get Jared on board with how serious the situation was. “It’s more than that. Are you aware that you are pregnant?”  
  
“You’re pregnant?”  
  
Jared swung his head towards the gape in the curtain surrounding his hospital bed and came face to face with his mother’s shocked expression.  
  
Sherri stared at her son, slack jaw and eyes wide. “Jared? Baby?”  
  
Swallowing, Jared avoided the question. “Ooh, mom, I didn’t realize you were standing there.”  
  
“I wasn’t until a moment ago. I heard you passed out while your father and I were getting something to eat. I was worried. I wanted to see if you were okay. Baby, I can’t have two of my sons laid up in the hospital.” Sherri’s voice cracked.  
  
In a flash, Jared felt guilty for the apprehension in his mother’s voice. She’d been as affected by Jensen’s disappearance as Donna had, just as if he was her own son. Now he was sitting in a hospital bed making her worry all the more. “Mama, I…”  
  
Staring at Jared, reading something that was completely unspoken, Sherri asked with a bit more certainty, “you’re having a baby?”  
  
Having a baby and carrying one were two very different things to Jared at the moment. He never thought they would be but right now they were worlds apart. “Well, I’m pregnant.”  
  
There was silence between them, neither sure what move to make. The mood in the room was too intense for happiness or much of anything for that matter.  
  
Clearing his throat, the doctor spoke up. “Yes, you’re pregnant. And you’re also extremely dehydrated and probably starving. When is the last time you ate?”  
  
The sigh that left Jared’s mouth as he rubbed a hand over his eyes was weary. “Uhh, I dunno. Sometime last night, probably. Maybe earlier.”  
  
The sound that came out of the doctor’s mouth let Jared know he’s not pleased. The rest of the interrogation went off in a flurry or warnings and instructions. Jared knew them all. He’d spent most of the past year trying to get pregnant; he knew exactly what he should and shouldn’t do during his first trimester.  
  
Lack of knowledge had nothing to do with the fact that Jared was underweight and too stressed out to function.  
  
By the time the doctor left, Jared was left to stare at his mother. He may have been able to convince the doctor to let him leave the bed but there was no way he was going to get away with that plan now that his mother was watching him like a hawk.  
  
Folding his hands over his middle, Jared felt a sob wrack his body. He was crying before he realized he was going to and he stared in confusion at the wet tears falling onto his hands. He’d cried a lot over the last month and a half and this wasn’t much different. It was fueled from frustration, hopelessness, and hurt over the unjust events in the world. Most of the time he cried for Jensen but there was something else that accompanied each sob leaving his throat.  
  
“Aww, baby.” Sherri pulled her son into her arms.  
  
Jared had been in the arms of a rotating lineup of people since this whole event started. He didn’t fight it. He let himself go boneless, cheek landing on his mother’s shoulder like it did when he was a child.  
  
“You’re going to be okay, Jared. Let me take care of you. Let someone take care of you. You can’t let yourself end up in such a state, especially while you’re pregnant.”  
  
“Mom…stop…”  
  
“Why? Why should I? You’re my son and I’m your mother. It is my job to worry about you, to protect you. It’s going to be okay. But if you want that baby to be okay, you need to start listening to people.” Sherri held on tighter.  
  
The words opened up a floodgate in Jared. Overwhelmed, he cried harder. Thoughts he hadn’t ever linked together for fear they would make him fall to pieces started coming to the surface of his mind. He never really thought of the fact that he was pregnant in future terms. It was just a condition he was currently in. It meant nothing without Jensen.  
  
It was too much.  
  
He was supposed to love his child so he couldn’t figure out why loving it made him feel so hopeless. He loved his baby but there was guilt behind it. How could he focus on loving something when he was supposed to be putting everything he had into the search for Jensen? Wasn’t that selfish?  
  
While Jensen was missing it was easy to ignore that he was pregnant; there was plenty going on in his life to occupy all of his attention. Now that Jensen was located, Jared had been hit in the face more and more with the fact that he was pregnant. The baby wasn’t letting him forget about it, it landed him in a hospital cot just like his husband.  
  
When he did speak, his words were hoarse and lifeless. “What if this baby isn’t meant to be?”  
  
Sherri couldn’t believe the words that came out of her son’s mouth. That wasn’t her Jared speaking but it was a testament to how damaged her son had become from living without Jensen and being destroyed by news media. “How could you think that? It’s the wrong time but you being pregnant could never be wrong.”  
  
“What if it is? What if I can’t do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” Jared’s voice cracked. “It was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to do this with Jensen. And he needs me too much right now. How can I bring a baby into this mess?”  
  
Shushing him, Sherri ran a hand over her son’s back. “You can. It’ll be hard but you have me and your father to help. And Donna and Alan. “ Putting her hands on his shoulders and pulling Jared away from her, she looked him square in this eye. “This happened for a reason, Jared. It’s a blessing. You can’t fall apart. You’re strong.”  
  
“I don’t know if I am strong enough for all three of us. I was barely functioning while trying to hold myself together. I’m pretty much not functioning now.”  
  
“You’re strong enough.” Sherri put one hand over Jared’s middle. “This baby is a blessing. It’s a part of you and Jensen and it wants to be here. You know how much Jensen wanted this baby as well. You can’t think this was a mistake.”  
  
Jared knew his mother was right on some level. He had detached himself from the baby because he refused to acknowledge the baby’s genetics. It was his and Jensen’s. Once that fact was said out loud by his mother, it took root in his brain.  
  
He had a piece of Jensen growing inside of him.  
  
“Shit.” Jared lost it again. Admitting what he feels hurts because it is like opening himself up to a new form of vulnerability. “I want this baby. But…how can I? How selfish is that? How can I be there for Jensen when I feel like I want to die right now? I’m so sick and –“  
  
Sherri cut him off. “It’s not selfish. It’s what Jensen would want too and you know it. So you rest now, you eat something and then we take it one step at a time.”  
  
It sounded so simple. Nodding, Jared wiped at his tears. “Can we keep this between us? Just for a while? I just…I always thought I would tell Jensen first or that we would find out together. I need some time. I don’t want everyone knowing right now. Please?” He looked at his mother while biting his lip to starve off more tears. “You can tell dad but please let me tell other people.”  
  
“Of course, baby.” Sherri hugged her son. “It’s all going to work out, you’ll see. This might just turn out to be a happy event you and Jensen need to pull you out of this nightmare.”  
  
Jared hoped so but it was hard to latch onto that way of thinking. Right now, everything about the last few months had been associated with horrendous strings of events. He was scared that there was little to set being pregnant apart from those things.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen’s world was foggy and unstable. He felt a little like he was on a turntable, everything spinning out of control.  
  
The first emotion that shot through him was fear. It was so strong that it blazed a painful path through Jensen’s body. He couldn’t move and everything felt dulled, the way it always did when he came out of his captor’s drug induced blackness.  
  
He tugged at his arm restraints but they were firm and unmoving. Panic slammed into his heart, jump starting it into a quick hammering against his chest.  
  
A strong flight instinct hit him, making his body shake like he had no control over his muscles, which he clearly didn’t. He couldn’t open his eyes and he thought maybe he was drinking until and intense pain between his legs reared up and left him breathless.  
  
He hurt.  
  
Everything hurt.  
  
His insides hurt more than he remembered them hurting before, making him think he was being raped again.  
  
After a moment of waiting for the now familiar thrust and rocking of his body against the mattress, it never came. Jensen should have been sickened by the vulnerability he felt when his prediction was wrong. He should have been happy. But the only power Jensen had over his captor was being able to predict things. In that way, he could mentally seal himself off from the world. Having that one skill fail him now made Jensen think that maybe he died.  
  
“Jen?”  
  
The voice cut through Jensen’s panic attack and the word “Jared” bloomed on the tip of his tongue.  
  
He wasn’t dead.  
  
Nothing made sense the fact that he’d seen Jared, or some hazy version of him, recently came into focus.  
  
Pain made him shiver.  
  
Or maybe it was the sweat covering his body.  
  
For the first time in a long time, Jensen felt so hot that he was cold. He must have made a pained noise because he felt a hand brush his forehead. The touch was like a hot brand and even with his eyes closed he jerked away from it.  
  
“Jen, baby, it’s me. It’s, Jared.”  
  
The voice sounded far away, dimmed by the sound of Jensen’s heart thumping in his ears.  
  
“Open your eye, baby.”  
  
Jensen did and the first thought that hit him was how much he wanted to vomit. He was on edge, nerves flayed and raw. The second thought was that he could only open one eye.  
  
He didn’t focus on that fact too much because he felt like he was crawling out of his skin. He tugged at his arms but they were held firmly in place by cuffs.  
  
“Shh, Jensen. It’s okay. You’re in a hospital. They had to restrain your limbs because you were thrashing too much and opening your wounds. But you’re okay.” Jared reached out a hand to reassure Jensen but his husband made a strangled pained noise and his eye went wide with fear.  
  
The surprised inhale Jared took was also filled with hurt. He watched Jensen fall into a replay of actions based on the first time he regained consciousness and saw Jared.  
  
Jensen saw Jared, as in, he had Jared in his field of sight. But Jared might as well be a stranger because all Jensen could react to was the pain running through his body. All his muscles ached, not just the one between his legs. He scrunched up his face in discomfort and a gasp left his mouth. It sounded so painful that it practically cut Jared and left him bleeding on the hospital room floor.  
  
When Jensen tried to scream, hardly anything came out. He screamed again and went crazy, pulling at all restraints with all four limbs. Thoughts were drowning him. If Jared was real, then why did Jensen still feel trapped in a nightmare? Why was he tied down and hurting? There was a warm sticky heat between Jensen’s legs and the feeling of his own blood burned into him. At this rate, he was sure his heart was going to explode. The organ couldn’t be more than a ticking time bomb with no way to turn it back. He saw Jared, but he heard his captor, making him feel like fate was doing an awfully torturous job of reminding him of his new place in the world.  
  
Jared pushed a panic button in the room the moment Jensen got too violent in his actions. He watched Jensen go feral. There was so much pain in Jensen’s body language that Jared thought it might go airborne and latch onto him.  
  
The nurses arrived just in time to see Jensen shiver uncontrollably. It wasn’t a seizure but it was something.  
  
“Sir, I need you to step out of the room.” A nurse tried to get Jared out of Jensen’s line of vision but Jared held firm.  
  
“No, I’m not leaving him.” Jared made a reach for Jensen’s hand and squeezed it. “Jensen, baby, I need you to calm down for me.”  
  
Covered in a sheen of sweat, Jensen locked his eye with Jared. It should have been the connection they needed to feel like part of one functioning whole, only it wasn’t. Instead, Jared watched his husband throw up violently, choking on air as Jensen tried to breathe through the mess he was making. The older man coughed several times and the nurses pushed Jared away more forcefully, focusing entirely on Jensen.  
  
Jared watched his world crumble in front of him. Jensen was in shambled several feet away from him and he couldn’t do anything about it.  
  
Doctors rushed in, moving efficiently and quickly, leaving Jared to stand still like an unimportant factor to the equation.  
  
Out of Jensen’s garbled screams, Jared heard his name but no matter how much he tried to get his husband to acknowledge him; Jensen only stared at Jared with bone chilling fear.  
  
Jensen screamed again a moment before a nurse stuck him with something narcotic, this time loud enough to shatter Jared’s heart as he fell to the floor like a bag of lead.  
  
If he was useless to Jensen right now, what good was it in trying to hold it together anymore?

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jensen stayed unconscious for a long time.  
  
Jared knew it was longer than the doctors would have liked; the effects from the drugs they gave him must have worn off by now.  
  
They wouldn’t let him inside Jensen’s room. They wouldn’t let anyone inside.  
  
Jensen’s straining and struggling caused him to tear the stitches inside his anal cavity. The thought alone made Jared think that maybe Jensen was so shredded up that there wasn’t very much left to hold together.  
  
What if no one, not Jared, not their parents, not all of the horses and all the kings men, could figure out how to put Jensen back together again?  
  
Donna brought him a cup of coffee, which he held onto but didn’t trust himself enough to drink it without throwing up.  
  
She’d stayed with him while they were accompanied to a doctor’s office – another unnamed person with an unfamiliar face.  
  
Part of Jared was sure they were introducing their selves but names were trivial. Facts about Jensen were all he really cared about. That thought was shocking. Jared was a people person, sweet and kind but right now he wasn’t much of anything noteworthy.  
  
Donna seemed to be keeping better track of doctors. She addressed this one, Dr. Tomayo, by name and Jared pretended he knew it all along.  
  
He sighed and Jared picked up on the pity immediately. He was getting to be a pro at that, although, to be fair, he’d been getting a lot of practice. “So, what you witnessed in there? It’s a different monster than we originally thought. Jensen’s fever is astronomically high and he’s delirious from it, but we now know there is more to it than that. It’s clear he is in shock, but based on his reaction to pretty much everything, our psychologists are on board with the fact that he is suffering from Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome. They’ve still yet to talk to him but they’ve observed him and they know the facts. Obviously, they can’t be certain yet but I wouldn’t be talking to you about this if it wasn’t as serious as they think it is.”  
  
Nodding, Jared thought maybe he was dealing with the same thing. The words “traumatic” and “stress” definitely fit the bill. “So – so, now what?”  
  
“We’re figuring that out. It is complicated by the fact that we’ve gotten back some of his blood tests. There were some confusing levels in his blood and we’re re-running those as we speak but one test was conclusive. His captor was injecting him with Etorphine. It’s an opiate with 1,000 – 3,000 times the strength of morphine. It’s usually an animal tranquilizer and it works fast. On humans, the wrong dose can be fatal. The probability that Jensen has been put under from it is a high one. The amounts in his blood,” the doctor paused, disgusted with the information himself. He took a moment to compose himself, but anger slipped in. “The amounts in his blood were staggering. He’s barely functioning now that he’s had a transfusion and the amounts are diluted. After you left the room his muscles cramped up and stayed that way. His body is suffering through withdrawal symptoms on top of everything else.”  
  
“Withdrawal?” Donna tightened her hold on Jared’s arm. “Jensen,” it sounded like it hurt her to utter her son’s name. “He’s never been addicted to anything.”  
  
“Unfortunately, this wasn’t something he could have fought against. His body had no choice. We can only assume that he had been injected with Etorphine since his capture almost seven weeks ago. There was no way he could deal with it being in his system for so long without his body building up an addiction to it. It’s why his withdrawal symptoms are so severe.”  
  
Up until two minutes ago, Jared wasn’t sure Jensen’s situation could get much worse. Faced with the new information, Jared’s stomach dropped out. He wished he could do something. He wished he could be the one giving his husband blood or that he could magically take some of Jensen’s symptoms from him.  
  
“What types of symptoms?” Jared gripped the seat of his chair with his free hand, curling into it until it hurt.  
  
“Right now? Sweating, shaking, muscle tension and aches. The vomiting is a side effect of everything he’s going through so we aren’t sure where that came from. He’s frantic. Without talking to him it is hard to tell if his anxiety and agitation is from the withdrawal or the PTSD. He’s addicted and we’re been knocking him out for surgery, which is sending his body on a rollercoaster or trying to get itself off the opiate but being firmly attached to the drug. Now that we know we can treat him more effectively. We’ll keep him on enough pain killers to help the healing but we have to be careful of what type of dose we give him. It’s going to have to gradually get lower if we want him to fight through the withdrawal process. It’ll be more painful for him but it’s the only way to get his mind clear enough to focus on getting better.” He shuffled with papers and forms, skirting them across the desk towards Jared. “There are things we can do, and I’ll explain them to you, but we need to get Jensen off all the painkillers he is hopped up on right now. I need your signature to start the withdrawal process. I have to warn you now that it isn’t going to be pretty.”  
  
“You’re asking me to sign something so that my husband can feel more pain?” The thought alone made bile rise in Jared’s throat.  
  
“Can’t we wait to do this until after his wounds have healed?” Donna sucked in her lips.  
  
“Psychologically speaking, the best route to take would be one where Jensen heals mentally and physically at the same time. It is a long road and he’s going to have to deal with physical and mental therapy but if we monitor everything and he’s as strong as he’s proven to be thus far, I think that is the best outcome we can ask for.” The doctor pushed the papers closer. “I’m sorry. I truly am. Things like what happened to your husband and son are unimaginable to most people. But it is this hospital’s job to do work to the best of our abilities and that means treating your son in the way we see most fit. This is it. So I’m asking you to sign these papers because you want to save Jensen, not because you want to hurt him.”  
  
Running a hand though his hair and gripping it so tightly that it stung, Jared let out a pained sob. He felt backed against a wall. For years no one knew Jensen better than his husband and mother. Now some doctor was telling both of them that he had topped them, that he knew better.  
  
Biting his lip, Jared grabbed the clipboard in front of him and scribbled his name. As soon as he was done, in one fluid movement he pushed out of the chair, stormed down the hall to the men’s room and fell to his knees in front of a toilet.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

When Jared closed his eyes at night, the sound of Jensen screaming still rang in his ears.  
  
His husband had been in the hospital for almost two weeks and he looked at Jared like he barely knew him. Jared took that fact like a dagger to the heart but Alan said he’d been the same way towards his own father. In fact, practically every male in Jensen’s world had a similar experience. Jensen stared at them like a frightened animal, seeing them but not really seeing them.  
  
The doctors picked up on this fact and rotated out doctors who worked behind the scenes with those on the battle ground so that female specialists primarily worked face-to-face with Jensen. It seemed to help.  
  
As the weeks went by, the police presence in the hospital steadily declined but the news coverage hasn’t. Jensen’s sister, Mackenzie, had been cornered the other day while coming to visit, causing her to break down in tears under that intensity of it all. The news stories used the clip of her as evidence that the family was falling apart.  
  
Jared avoided newspapers and news programming. He knew what it would contain: warped versions of the facts he knew to be true. A plus side was that most stories had finally decided that Jared wasn’t the enemy. Now that Casey shooting Jensen’s captor was public news, that was infinitely more interesting than Jensen’s pathetic husband falling to pieces.  
  
There were other side effects from such intense news coverage. There was an outpouring of community support for Jensen. People sent stuffed animals or other “get well” wishes. Jared wished a teddy bear could heal the pain, that it wasn’t just a useless combination of fluff and stitching, but the gestures were thoughtful nonetheless.  
  
The negative side effect turned out to be that Jared was hounded everywhere. People wanted his firsthand account as how Jensen was doing.  
  
Jared wished someone would tell him the same thing because he had no idea.  
  
The doctors told him Jensen was healing. The wounds looked good and most of his withdrawal symptoms had worked their way out. But the pain? The pain made Jensen crumble and Jared wasn’t even sure who was lying in that hospital bed because it wasn’t the man Jensen worked so hard to make himself into.  
  
It was an odd moment of peace in the hospital.  
  
People had gone out in shifts to shower and eat, leaving Jared alone for the time being.  
  
Casey hadn’t been able to visit in the last two days because he’d been up to his eyeballs in repercussions from killing Jensen’s captor, a man Jared now knew as a criminally insane bastard named Felix Jones. No one on the force blamed Casey’s choice to shoot and kill rather than disarm and incapacitate, in fact, they cheered him for it. Still, Casey had to go through his own shit so that the matter was squared away. Jared more than forgave his absence. Casey rarely left the hospital unless Bruce physically pulled him out of it. He’d been on suspension with pay from the police department, leaving Casey with copious amounts of free time to pace the hallways of the hospital and try to get Jared to eat something.  
  
Jared was alone, however, when Dr. Costa, a female doctor who had been working with Jensen over the weeks, came up to him.  
  
“Jared?”  
  
Raising his eyes, Jared stared at her. His head felt like it weight a hundred pounds and it was a struggle for him to hold her gaze. “Hmmm?”  
  
Unlike prior conversations between them, this time Dr. Costra tripped over all of her words. She couldn’t seem to get anything out. “I ran some blood tests this morning because something seemed off about Jensen. And,” she paused like the words about to leave her mouth were ones she very much didn’t want to admit. “I ran a blood test and…Jensen’s pregnant.”  
  
“Excuse me?” The disbelief in Jared’s voice manifested in the fact that he almost screamed the question.  
  
“There are high levels of human chorionic gonadotropin, hCG, in his blood. That’s the hormone found in – “  
  
“I know what it is. What I don’t know is why it’s in Jensen’s system.”  
  
“Well, it’s there because he’s pregnant. He’d been showing some odd symptoms, things that shouldn’t have been caused by withdrawal or PTSD so I ran a test. We should have ran it earlier but I don’t think anyone’s mind was on anything other than diseases and things we could treat. When all his tests came back negative, we never stopped to think about pregnancy. That’s a misstep on our part.” Dr. Costa waited while the words sunk in.  
  
“Pregnant?” Jared felt lightheaded. That word was never meant to be associated with his husband, especially not now. That word had become like a barb in his side and seemed insistent on staying that way.  
  
“Yes. About four weeks along from what I can tell. Which means…we can only assume…Jensen’s rapist fathered the baby.”  
  
“No.” Shaking his head, Jared put up two hands in a futile attempt to drown Dr. Costa out. “No. You must have made a mistake.”  
  
“I did the test twice. It isn’t a mistake.”  
  
“No! Do it again. He can’t,” Jared paused and let out a shaky breath. “How much more than he take? He’s not going to survive if things don’t let up.” Jared felt sick and he couldn’t blame his own pregnancy for that fact. The thought of some part of that monster growing inside Jensen made Jared want to scream. “Oh god.”  
  
“I understand how hard this is to comprehend, but we need to come to terms with it so we can focus on Jensen’s best interest. I haven’t told him yet, but we’re going to have to. Legally I can’t withhold information from my patient. I just thought you should know first. I thought maybe you could help soften the blow.”  
  
He had no idea what came over him but Jared let out a crazy, unstable laugh. “I’m pregnant.”  
  
Dr. Costa stared at him, unsure of what to do with that information.  
  
“I’m pregnant. I’m supposed to be the one dealing with hCG and everything else. Not him. He’s not supposed to be pregnant. I am!”  
  
Letting her shoulders fall, Dr. Costa rolled out the look of pity Jared had gotten used to. “Jared, maybe there is someone here you would like to talk to? Or someone you could call?”  
  
Of course that was what a medical professional would say. She wasn’t his friend despite the fact that they were fighting on the same side. But, no, Jared had no one he could call that had a magical cure all for the fact that his husband was pregnant with a rapist’s baby.  
  
Instead, he stood up and with blind determination insisted that he see Jensen.  
  
Dr. Costa knew well enough than to try and talk him out of it.

 

 

  
[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

The weird issue warring inside Jensen’s brain was the fact that he simultaneously missed Jared ad didn’t know how to face him.  
  
Every fiber of Jensen missed his husband. It was a deep type of longing that couldn’t be ripped out by even the most skilled surgeon. He wanted Jared and the safety that came with their home and relationship.  
  
It was, he realized, a completely false sense of security. As a cop, Jensen knew how little it took to throw someone’s word into chaos. He didn’t, however, take into account that it could happen to him. There were no false senses of grandeur in his brain but Jensen always thought that he’d keep them safe, both of them safe.  
  
He wanted his home but he’d be forced to come back to the world of the living in a pristine colorless room. The stark contrast between the sterile environment and the dank blackness of the basement he’d thought he would die in gave him an odd sense of imbalance.  
  
In his gut, he wanted home. There was a twist and pull and want for it but he barely remembered what home felt like. He assumed it was somewhere between the alien whiteness and drowning darkness that started swirling together so that he felt like a prisoner of both.  
  
The ache for Jared was the only thing solid enough for him to latch onto. He’d seen Jared every day but he couldn’t find the strength to let Jared know that he loved him. He didn’t trust himself to let that thought out into the world where everyone saw it, where they could use it against Jensen and take away the only thing that got him through the nightmare.  
  
He didn’t trust himself as much as he didn’t trust anyone else.  
  
So he pulled back from Jared. In his head that decision made more sense but he could see how much it tore his husband apart.  
  
The therapist who had been spending more and more time filling the spot beside Jensen’s bed where Jared should be, poked and prodded this part of his brain.  
  
Doctors stared at him like he was broken and he supposed they were spot on because Jensen couldn’t feel whole anymore.  
  
Everything hurt and he felt like an alien had been taking hold of his body. It did things on its own.  
  
They’d explained that he was going through a lot of things. Apparently he was in the midst of heavy withdrawal symptoms. He guessed that was why his body started shaking, sweating and locking up despite his brain insisting that he didn’t want any more Etorphine injected into his system. That needle, that tool that sucked him into unconsciousness every day of his capture had been both a blessing and a curse. He was thankful that it kept him shielded from the horrors his rapist enacted on him but it meant that there were things his body went though that were worse than the ones he was conscious for. There were reasons for the blood and he shut down if he began to think about them.  
  
His body was wounded in ways that could never heal despite the doctors’ reassurance of a full recovery.  
  
Lately, his body felt drugged on its own. He was tired and nauseous. Everything felt heavy, like there was something going on inside him that he couldn’t keep up with.  
  
He felt a weight at his side and jolted, flinching away too quickly and with a curse on his lips. He opened his eye to see Jared.  
  
Jared looked thin, far paler than he ever remembered his husband looking. He’d been crying.  
  
“Please, Jen. Don’t scream. Please. It’s me.” Jared put his palms together and put them in an inverted ‘V’ so that they covered his nose and mouth in an attempt to muffle the cry. “Please, baby. It’s me, your husband.”  
  
Jensen knew that. He’d known every time Jared visited him. Every day had helped Jensen get braver, helped him feel safe enough to let Jared know how much he missed him, but he still skirted the issue. Voice croaking out, Jensen had to swallow twice to wet his throat enough to speak. “Jared?”  
  
“Yeah, baby. It’s me.” Jared let a relieved cry bubble up. “God, baby, I miss you so much. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.” He wiped at his eyes and closed his eyes. The need to make sure Jensen wasn’t overwhelmed took a backseat and Jared unloaded everything he’d been caging in. “I miss you, Jensen. Seeing you like this is killing me. I really think it’s killing me because without you, I can’t remember how I’m supposed to breathe anymore. And watching you struggle is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I want to help you if you’ll let me. It hurts that I can’t help you. But I’m here. I’m not leaving. Never. I know you need time, but, baby, I need you to know I’m never going to hurt you. I’m not him.” Jared’s voice shook before turning unintelligible. The rest came off in mumble cries and desperate gasps for air.  
  
Watching his husband, Jensen’s heart broke. Two months ago he’d know how to fix this. Technically, he still did despite the fact that he didn’t have the strength to do anything about it.  
  
Jared tried to reach out for Jensen but paused, hovering his hand around his husband like he was surrounded by an invisible force field. “I wanna take you home Jen.”  
  
“Can you?” The words left Jensen’s mouth and shocked Jared. “Can you, Jare? Take me home? Make this go away?”  
  
“Oh god, Jensen. I want to.” Jared choked on an inhale when Jensen reached out and grabbed his hand. The touch was so electric that Jared was surprised it didn’t result in sparks. “Jen?”  
  
Jensen squeezed his eye shut so tightly that it looked painful. He tried to hold back a sob but it came out in ugly wet crying sounds as each stab of desperation echoed through the room. He squeezed onto Jared’s hand, holding it tight enough to bruise. “Jared, don’t leave. Don’t. Even if I yell. Even if they try to make you. Don’t leave.” A violent shudder ran though him and the tears fell faster. “I need you. I miss you.” He stared at his husband with his one good eye. It was the first time he’d touched his husband in nine weeks. He thought he’d become a stranger but suddenly they were them again, a shadow of themselves but themselves nonetheless. “You’re the only thing that made me stay alive. The only thing. I love you and I need you and…” Jensen’s words dissolved into cry.  
  
On the bed, Jensen looked like he’d been skinned alive. There were so many places for the nightmares to crawl back in, far too many for his husband to cover, but Jared tried.  
  
“I’m not going anywhere, Jensen.” Right then and there, Jared knew they’d have to pry his dead body away from Jensen.  
  
Both of their lives had fallen into darkness, but Jensen pulling Jared against his body was like letting a crack of light in.  
  
It was more than a small step. It was a breakthrough.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

It felt a little like they were living separate lives in their head. They were both pregnant but no one really knew it. To be precise, Jensen didn’t even know he was pregnant.  
  
Jared meant to tell him. It had been his plan to walk into that hospital room the day Dr. Costa told him and somehow get the news across to Jensen. Things twisted out of his hands, liked they always seemed to do as of late, when Jensen actually initiated physical contact and wouldn’t let go.  
  
Jared wasn’t going to mar that milestone with a matter that concerned Jensen’s rapist.  
  
So instead, he didn’t talk about it. He just spoke to Jensen.  
  
In between tears and breakdowns and machines whirring around them, Jared found pieces of his husband again.  
  
On the day Jensen’s facial bandages came off, Jared thought he was going to pass out.  
  
Things were too much for him when he saw an ugly scar running over Jensen’s face. Somehow he thought that his husband would be perfect under the bandages. He felt like a little kid who thought a bandage would make all the hurt and boo-boos go away. This new scar, however, forced him to come face to face with physical proof that Jensen was far from healed.  
  
It was slow going but Jensen started to tolerate the presence of more than just his mother and sister. Megan had stayed with him for some time so that Jared could shower and hopefully eat something. When he returned she was crying but so was Jensen.  
  
In the waiting room, far away from Jensen’s ears, Megan told him that all Jensen wanted to talk about was Jared and how Jared had been coping with the situation.  
  
Jared cried and felt like a shitty husband for making his husband worry. He swore he’d try better to hold things together better, to make sure not to be a burden to Jensen.  
  
Laughing, and shaking her head, Megan whispered, “That’s how he’s always been. He doesn’t worry about himself. He worries about everyone else.”  
  
She was right, Jared knew she was. He just had to be strong enough right now to take on all the worry so Jensen could focus on healing. He was tired, exhausted, and everything hurt but he’d figure it out. In the back of his mind he knew he should be concerned about how crappy he was feeling but he didn’t have time for that.  
  
A few weeks later, Jensen still didn’t know he was pregnant despite Jared’s attempts to tell him. He couldn’t do it. Every day, Jensen seemed to make some achievement and he didn’t want to derail his progress with news that would destroy his psyche. Jensen had been better about dealing with having male doctors and seeing his father and brother. He’d gotten fidgety around Jared’s father but instead of screaming, he’d worked through it.  
  
Jared thought the therapy was helping but he knew most of it had to do with the fact that Jensen was even more determined than people realized. After a few days, it became clear that this doctors were as worried as Jared was in telling the man he was pregnant. It was enough fuel to justify Jared’s decision to keep the information to himself for now.  
  
Six weeks after Jensen was rescued, he had a setback.  
  
While Jared was in the room, Jensen threw up. Jared had been right there, handing him a bowl to catch the mess and rubbing a hand across his back. It was a great feat of strength not to throw up himself, but Jared controlled his morning sickness enough to make sure he was far away from anyone when it hit.  
  
Sitting beside his husband, shushing him and stroking up and down his shuddering form with one hand, Jared realized how much he missed the element of touch when he was sick. It was selfish but he wanted Jensen to do the same for him. He wanted someone to tell him that it was okay but the only thing he got in return after spilling his guts in the toilet was the echoing sound of his retching.  
  
When Jensen fell back to the bed, he groaned and ran draped an arm over his eyes so that the crook of his elbow drowned out the room’s light. “I think I’m dying, Jared.”  
  
“You’re not dying, baby. You’re getting better.” Jared got rid of the bowl while choking on a gag.  
  
“No. I’m dying. I don’t even feel like me anymore. I’m supposed to be out there,” he opened his eyes and gestured towards the window, “taking care of people. Taking care of you! And now I can barely get through a day without someone helping me. I…” His voice trailed off in a frustrated whine. “I just want to feel like myself again. I want to get out of here. I want to be your husband again only…I know I can’t. I can’t even hear the door open without having a mild panic attack. What good am I to you?”  
  
The words were sharp and Jared felt their effect immediately. His initial response was to pull back and reveal the shock he felt over the fact that Jensen could possibly think he was no good anymore. Jared, however, kept that inside and slowly pushed Jensen’s hair out of his face. It had gotten too long but Jensen wouldn’t let anyone near him long enough to cut it. “You’re plenty good, Jen, because you are going to get better. You are! You’ll see. It is going to take a while but I don’t care about that. I just want you. If I have you, then we’re good. Right? Me and you?”  
  
“It still feels like I’m dying. I don’t sleep anymore despite the fact that I’ve never felt more exhausted in my life. And the shivering, the nausea, that should have passed a while ago.” Groaning, Jensen held onto the bed rails to ground himself. When he did speak, it was like he was revealing a secret that had been festering in his mind for some time. “And I feel like there is something else wrong with me. I mean, maybe the doctors are missing something because there is something wrong.” He trailed a hand to his belly and pressed against it. The area under his palm felt alien to him. If anything, he’d lost too much weight during his imprisonment. He’d gained some back but he was still thinner than he was three months ago. His brain had trouble coming up with one good reason why his stomach was swollen and curving outward into his hand. When he first noticed the swell, he swore it was smaller. Now, it was there and feeling like a heavy growth in his middle. “There’s something wrong with me. Here, feel.” He grabbed Jared’s hand and pressed it to his stomach.  
  
The connection with Jensen’s belly made things real. Of course Jensen’s middle was swollen, Jared thought. As eight weeks pregnant, anyone’s stomach would expand with a growing fetus and the organs needed to sustain it. Jared’s middle had been apparent for weeks but his clothing hung off of him, hiding that fact from everyone.  
  
Time stood still while Jensen stared at Jared, a question handing heavily between them.  
  
It wasn’t the information Jared had planned to let out of his mouth but sometimes he felt like he had no control of that anymore. He meant to tell Jensen, “you’re pregnant” but those weren’t the words that came out. “I’m pregnant.”  
  
“You’re what?”  
  
“I’m pregnant.” Jared hadn’t realized how much of a relief it would be to have those words out in the open. The worry of how Jensen would take it was still there but the relief over not having to keep the secret made his visibly relax. “I’m pregnant.” Closing his eyes, he let out a crazy laugh. Jensen wasn’t saying anything. He was simply sitting in the hospital bed staring at him with eyes that practically crossed. “I know it is the last thing we need but…yeah…”  
  
Swallowing thickly, Jensen pulled at the collar of his hospital gown like he was suffocating. “You’re pregnant?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jared nodded. He pulled up the hem of his shirt and exposed his stomach. “Yeah.”  
  
Jensen stared at his husband’s middle and noticed it wasn’t the flat plane he remembered when he closed his eyes. It wasn’t large but there was a distinct distended quality to it. His gut twisted at the thought that he would have never noticed had Jared not shown him. Never before had he been so out of touch with his husband and the tangible proof of that sent his mind reeling. “How long?”  
  
“Thirteen weeks.”  
  
“Thirteen weeks?” Running a hand over his eyes, Jensen sighed. Despite living his life in a fog over that last three months, numbers clicked in his brain and he gasped. He’d disappeared thirteen weeks ago. “Christ, Jared. Thirteen weeks? Thirteen weeks and you’ve been all alone for all of it?”  
  
Jared knew exactly what Jensen was doing; he could hear the guilt in his voice. “No, no, no, no. Don’t you do that Jensen. Don’t you go and feel sorry for me. I’m okay. It’s okay. My mom and Casey, they know. They’ve been doing most of the worrying in your place.”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
  
“Because…I didn’t want you to have another thing on your plate to worry about. I know you’ll worry about it. I know you will. And I need you to get better.” Jared closed his eyes and he made a noise that was a telltale sign he was going to cry. “I need you to get better because we are going to have a baby and I don’t want to do this on my own. I need you.” The admittance was selfish, Jared knew that. He knew he shouldn’t but that burden on Jensen but he couldn’t stop himself. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m pregnant. It’s shit timing. I’m sorry.”  
  
It didn’t take much to push Jensen over the edge. To say he was unstable was an understatement; it would imply that stable was even an option at this point. His heart, which had only made itself capable of feeling for Jared over the last few weeks, shattered. Watching Jared fall apart, watching him apologize for something they both wanted more than anything else, it was like he was in a movie about their lives and the director got it totally wrong. “Don’t be sorry. For our kid? You’re sorry? I know I’m broken but do you think I’m not human anymore?”  
  
“No, I…”  
  
“Jared, don’t be sorry.” He toyed with the medical bracelet on his wrist. “Can I feel it? Your belly?”  
  
Blinking back tears, the request caught Jared off guard. “Yeah. Yes. Of course.” He stood up so that he could stand closer to his husband. Taking Jensen’s hand, he placed it under his belly button.  
  
Fingers twitching, Jensen became familiar with the way Jared’s middle had grown. It wasn’t drastic, but it was physical proof that their baby was growing somewhere under his palm. “Don’t be sorry, Jared. It’s okay.” The corners of Jensen’s mouth turned up. It wasn’t a huge smile but it was the closest he’d come to one in a long time. Something inside him felt comforted at the fact that he could still do this; he could still reassure his husband, that Jared still needed his reassurance. “It’s going to be okay. You and me and this little guy, we’re going to be okay.”  
  
The statement sent a sob through Jared instantly. There were lots of reasons for it but mostly he cried because that one touch was what he’d been looking for all along.  
  
“When are you due?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“You don’t know?”  
  
“No.” Jared chewed on his lip. “I, uh, I’ve never gone to get checked out. I’ve been too caught up with everything. I didn’t want to leave you.”  
  
“Jared.” With that one word, a mash up of emotions flowed out of Jensen. He was simultaneously disappointed and understanding. There was hurt and affection. “Can you go? Can you get checked out? Make sure you and the baby are okay?”  
  
The questions sounded simple enough but they made Jared cry harder. For one, his husband should not have to ask him to go to the doctor. That was something Jared should have done on his own. Secondly, the questions are the first time Jensen has shown interest in much. They’re questions but they also wavered with a command. They were a direction. “Yeah, Jen. I will.”  
  
“Today.”  
  
“Okay. Today.” Jared committed himself to making good on his word so wholeheartedly that he forgot he’d never mentioned that Jensen was also pregnant.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared was shaking so much when he left Jensen’s hospital room that his sister knew something had transpired behind closed doors. She’d grabbed him before his knees hit the ground and without saying anything, Jared had everyone’s full attention. It wasn’t uncommon for members of the Padalecki and Ackles households to take up residence of the hospital over the last six weeks but they had been coming in different intervals. Today, his sister Megan, both of his parents and his in-laws, and his brother-in-law, Josh, were staring at him with worry.  
  
Once Jared had let his secret out, he couldn’t keep it inside anymore. In one foul swoop suddenly his secret became public information.  
  
“I’m pregnant.”  
  
The reactions, aside from his parents’ response since they already knew, were all the same. Donna made a high pitched shocked noise while Megan, Josh, and Alan blinked with wide eyes.  
  
Jared let them stare. For the first time, in a long time, he felt lighter.  
  
In the end, he called his doctor and made an appointment to see him. If Dr. Brenner was shocked at the reason why Jared demanded an appointment, he didn’t show it. There had been pity in the doctor’s voice and it made Jared sick to think that everyone in the community knew his business. All they had to do was hear his last name to know exactly what he’d been dealing with for the past thirteen weeks.  
  
The office was across town, much further than the house he shared with Jensen, making it the farthest Jared had ever ventured from the hospital since his husband had been admitted. He didn’t have to worry too long because Megan stepped up to the plate and she wasn’t taking no for an answer.  
  
Sitting in the car made Jared severely question, for the second time, the thought that maybe he had some sort of PTSD as well because his heart went off like a shot the minute he couldn’t see the hospital anymore.  
  
Nerves made themselves so bad that Megan had to pull the car over in route so her brother could throw up on the side of the road.  
  
Eventually, they made their way into Dr. Brenner’s office.  
  
Nothing about the appointment went well. Everything the doctor said came with a warning. They weren’t reprimands but they were statements he knew his doctor had a responsibility to utter.  
  
Jared should have come in earlier.  
  
Jared weighed too little.  
  
Jared’s blood pressure was too high.  
  
Jared should drink more.  
  
The list grew until Jared’s head spun. He found himself apologizing to his doctor.  
  
Dr. Brenner didn’t know what to make of his patient’s breakdown. His professionalism kicked in and he put a reassuring hand on Jared’s shoulder. He’d known Jared for five years, giving him enough time to discover that Jared was a responsible person. If things were slipping through his patient’s fingers, there were reasons. Jared wasn’t negligent and Jared wanted a baby. He put a hand on Jared’s shoulder and squeezed. “Jared, it’s okay. You aren’t the first person to go thirteen weeks without prenatal care. We don’t know anything yet. The things I mentioned earlier are enough to worry me but they aren’t enough to count you out of having a healthy baby.”  
  
Jared nodded as he laid back on the exam table, repeating the doctors last statement over in his mind.  
  
His heart was in his throat while Dr. Brenner prepared for an ultrasound. Looking around the room, his eyes caught on Megan. As much as he appreciated her being there, it hit him that he never thought she would be the one with him when he met his child for the first time. It was supposed to be Jensen.  
  
As if seeing the change overcome him, Megan reached out and grabbed his hand. She gave a reassuring squeeze and nodded. They didn’t speak but Megan stayed resolute in being his pillar of strength.  
  
There was gel on his stomach, then there was pressure, and then there was his baby.  
  
The screen to his right captured the floating profile of a little person. Jared had seen a million ultrasound scans before while plowing through pregnancy information on the internet when trying to conceive. He knew exactly what he was looking at. When it moved, it instantly became more real than any of the static still images he’d seen.  
  
“Ooh!” Staring at the screen, Jared’s whole body felt the effects of a rush of adrenaline.  
  
“That’s your baby, Jared.” Megan’s voice was soft and filled with awe. “Look, Jay. That’s my niece or nephew.” Her smile lit up the room as she held onto her brother’s hand and pointed at the screen.  
  
“It’s…it’s okay?”  
  
Dr. Brenner moved the ultrasound wand in several searching movements, clicking and measuring as he went along. “The baby is a faction small for thirteen weeks. But it looks good. See the head?” He pointed to the screen. “And that’s the heart.” He moved his finger down to a fluttering part of the image. He did something out of Jared’s range of vision and suddenly the room filled with a “whomp whomp” sound. “That’s the heartbeat.” Listening for a moment, the doctor smiled. “It sounds good. Nice and strong. Absolutely perfect.”  
  
“Perfect?” Jared realized he was probably breaking Megan’s hand but he couldn’t stop squeezing. The sound of his baby’s heart made him tense up before tears spilled over his eyes. It was a powerful thing, so powerful he couldn’t wrap his mind around it.  
  
“Of course it’s perfect, Jay.” Megan smiled. “It’s yours and Jensen’s baby. Of course it’s perfect.” Her eyes went soft. “Do you hear him or her? It sounds so good Jared. I mean, you have that in you. You made that. It’s got to be perfect.”  
  
That was a lot of responsibility and Jared hoped his body could live up to it. “Doc, it’s okay? It didn’t hurt it? Because, I’ve been a terrible parent. I haven’t eaten right. I haven’t slept. I’ve been too stressed. Did I mess it up?”  
  
“It takes a lot more than that to mess up a baby. They’re more resilient than you think. You haven’t put the baby in too much danger. It took everything it needed from your boy. Which is why I am more worried about you than the baby. You need to stay strong so you can help this little one grow. That means trying to get more rest and eating more, even if you don’t want to.”  
  
There were more things, more instructions. More appointments. More information. It all ended in him holding a strip of ultrasound printouts while crying like a baby.  
  
He swore he’d work on everything.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen smiled broader than ever before when Jared handed him the ultrasound scans. It was easy to make out the fetus. How something so tiny could bring Jensen out of the hopeless feeling constantly nagging at him was beyond him.  
  
The younger man hesitated in sitting at the edge of Jensen’s bed until Jensen held steady and was okay with the movement. “The baby is okay, Jen. The doctor says the heartbeat is strong.”  
  
“You’re okay too, right?” Looking over his husband, Jensen found he couldn’t read him. He wondered if he had fallen so far out of touch with his husband that they would never make their way back to each other.  
  
“I’m decent.”  
  
“What does that mean?”  
  
“It means we’re going to have a baby on October 16th.” Saying it out loud with Jared’s own voice made the date real.  
  
An ache in Jensen’s side made him wince, the painful sound cutting into a moment that was supposed to be happy. Phantom pains rang though his body in addition to the constant throbbing in his right hand. His head, though healed on the outside, still pulsed. Putting up a brave face for Jared’s benefit was taking a toll on him.  
  
“Jen, are you okay?” Jared brushed his hand against Jensen’s and his eyes saddened when his husband flinched. Touch had been a long standing issue since Jensen’s rescue. If it wasn’t predictable, if Jensen didn’t initiate it, the chance that the injured man would rebuff physical connection was high.  
  
“I’m fine.” This time Jensen reached out and grabbed Jared’s hand. There was a storm of conflict in his gut. He wanted to have this moment with Jared. He wanted to celebrate that they were having a baby. In his mind, he thought he would pull Jared into his arms and kiss him silly. Now, however, he could barely pull himself upright. There was no way that he could support Jared’s weight. Plus, despite that fact that he wanted to do more than hold Jared’s hand…he couldn’t. He couldn’t kiss his husband. He probably shouldn’t even touch Jared. The things that happened to him, the things that happened in the dark, had contaminated him. Every part of him believed there was no way Jared would want to have Jensen’s used body on him. It was bad enough that he selfishly forced Jared to hold his hand. He forced his filthy self on Jared who was always faithful and perfect.  
  
The thoughts weren’t new. He’d had them since the first time his captor touched him. He’d even voiced them to his therapist, Dr. Clyne. After discussing things with her, he supposed she tried to make him understand that what happened to him wasn’t his fault. She called him lucky.  
  
No part of Jensen’s brain could understand how he was lucky. How was he lucky to have been raped constantly? How was he lucky to be broken? How was he lucky to have a husband who deserved so much better than him? She said he was lucky he survived, that many don’t, but a dark part of his brain selfishly thought death would have saved a lot of people grief.  
  
He wished he died but then he wouldn’t be staring at pictures of the miracle growing inside Jared.  
  
There were a lot of thoughts hitting him at once but he grabbed onto the one that seemed most healthy. He needed to get better so he could watch his and Jared’s baby come into the world. He needed to work with Dr. Clyne so he could be the fully functioning husband Jared needed him to be.  
  
“The baby is going to have your nose.” Jensen held up the scans.  
  
“Oh god…then I hope it’s a boy.” Jared laughed for the first time in weeks.  
  
“You feel okay?”  
  
“Tired. Stressed. But I’m happy we’re here. I’m happy you’re here to see those scans.” Jared sucked in his bottom lip. “Are you happy about the baby?”  
  
Jensen thought back to his life before the basement and the hospital. Normal Jensen would be bouncing off the walls. This version of Jensen was so dulled that Jared couldn’t even tell he was happy. It may have been all the antibiotic medications they were pumping him full of, or the pain medications they were weaning him off of, but he was unfocused. “It’s from that time, isn’t it? That time Casey dropped me off with a 15 minute time limit.” The memory seemed eons ago.  
  
“Yeah. I think. Or that night. But it is definitely from that date because…” Jared didn’t need to finish the sentence. They both knew they hadn’t had sex after that, at least not with each other. Jensen had been at the end of someone else’s dick. The fact was a crude and harsh as it sounded.  
  
Clearing his throat, Jensen put the pictures down. “I’m kind of glad it happened then. It’s like I never left you. I don’t know if you ever thought of it that way.”  
  
“I did think of it like that. I felt guilty thinking about it that way. I wanted to put my focus in finding you, not thinking that at least I had a piece of you with me like that was some consolation prize.”  
  
“Well, now you get both. Although, I don’t know how much I’m worth right now.” It was supposed to be a joke but Jensen inadvertently hit the nail on the head in terms of his self worth. He went to speak again but cringed.  
  
“Jen?”  
  
Jensen waved him off. “I’m okay. I just don’t feel good. It’s that thing I told you before, with my middle. It’s…something’s off. And my ribs are still messed up. They want to do another x-ray but keep putting it off for some reason.” Jensen caught sight of Jared’s face and realized that maybe he hadn’t fallen as out of practice in reading his husband’s emotions as he thought. “What? You know something I don’t know, don’t you?”  
  
Jared’s blood ran cold. He’d been trying to have this conversation for weeks. Ignorance had given him a minute amount of calm. With Jensen staring him in the face, he knew he was going to unleash something disastrous. Still, he couldn’t lie. “Yeah.”  
  
“Tell me.”  
  
Fidgeting and repositioning himself on the bed, Jared rolled over what he could possibly say in his mind. He had this conversation with himself at least fifteen times since Dr. Costa told him Jensen was pregnant. Never once did the projected outcome go well. “It’s bad.”  
  
While trying to keep it together, Jensen felt the edges starting to fray already. His gut was ready to bubble over without hearing what Jared had to say but he knew it didn’t take much for that to happen. “Tell me.”  
  
“So… “ Jared’s mouth went dry. There was a script he’d thought of, a way of easing Jensen into the news despite the fact that it would still sting. His brain went blank. “You’re pregnant.”  
  
Jensen heard the words but said nothing. They were floating on the outside of his world, where they couldn’t hurt him.  
  
Jared grabbed at Jensen’s hand but he pulled away. “Jensen, baby, I’m sorry. You need to listen to me.” One look let Jared know that Jensen was on the edge of something bad. “Dr. Costa, she ran your blood. We didn’t know when we found you but things weren’t adding up. And…well…you’re pregnant. Probably around eight weeks.”  
  
Jensen’s eyes went wild. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Jared. It was that the revelation was too cruel to handle. He looked down, staring through the bed sheets at his middle. There was something growing in him like an infection. His partner had killed his rapist but part of him had found a way to escape Casey’s bullet. It made no sense and perfect sense all at once. The withdrawal symptoms and pregnancy symptoms were practically the same. They merged into one horrible ordeal.  
  
“Get it out of me.” Jensen screamed, facial muscles twitching uncontrollably.  
  
“Jen, you….” Jared put a hand up but Jensen swatted him away.  
  
“Don’t touch me. Don’t. You shouldn’t.” Jensen’s breathing sped up to the point that it made him dizzy. His chest heaved with shallow breaths, hitching on a pained sob. He went tense, almost feral as he closed his eyes and yelled. “Get it out of me. Get him out of me.” Pinching the bridge of his nose, Jensen forgot how to breathe. His muscles betrayed him and he seized up.  
  
Jared barely had time to push the call button before Jensen had a full blown panic attack.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jensen stared out the window. It was gray outside but probably lighter than his mood.  
  
Everything in his body hurt. He’d done some damage to himself in reaction to Jared telling him he was pregnant but he didn’t remember any of it. It was like someone else had taken over his body and made him fall apart like that.  
  
He ripped things out of his veins, things doctors kept telling him he needed.  
  
He didn’t need those things. He needed to feel human again and he was sure there wasn’t something they could drip into his veins that had the power to do that.  
  
They also couldn’t give him pain medication. They had something weak going through his blood, something that barely took the edge off, but it was child’s play compared to the shit he’d been doped up on in the past.  
  
Originally, he thought their stinginess with pain medication was because of his addiction. It probably was but he couldn’t help but think the pain medication was bad for the baby he was carrying. In that case, he wished he could overdose on the damn Etorphine his rapist used to shoot him up with. Maybe it would solve a lot of problem.  
  
There was a soft knock on his door but it grew in volume so as to warn Jensen of someone’s presence but not startle him. With a squeak, the door pushed open and Casey crept inside.  
  
“Jensen?”  
  
Rubbing at his red, exhausted eyes, Jensen tried to muster up a greeting. “Hey, Case.”  
  
Casey shifted his weight from side to side awkwardly. He was in full uniform, a change from the street clothes he normally wore when he visited.  
  
“I heard you were reinstated.”  
  
“Yeah, happened just last week.” Casey’s words were calculated and slow. “”Listen, Jensen, I’m sorry about what happened. Jared told me. I’m sorry.”  
  
Jensen steamrolled past the condolences. “You’ve been taking care of Jared? He told me you’ve been doing that.”  
  
“Yeah. Kris and I do what we can. I bring him food mostly. He…he wasn’t eating in the beginning. But I drive by your house when I know he’s home. I’m keeping him safe for you.” Casey hooked his thumbs in his belt loops as he took several steps closer until he was right up against the side of Jensen’s bed.  
  
Licking his lips, Jensen looked over Casey’s uniform. It had been so long since he’d worn or seen one. Seeing it made Jensen wish he was in it rather than pajamas. He’d bitched about his uniform countless times but never before did it look so appealing. Casey’s gun was in place, safe in a halter both men were more than familiar with and speedy at lifting weapons from. “Thanks. I mean, thanks for looking out for him. You’ll keep watching him, right? While I can’t, you’ll make sure he is okay?”  
  
“Of course, Jensen. Of course. Your family is my family and vice versa. You know that. I’ve got your back man.” Casey scratched at the back of his head. “Shit, Jensen, I miss you. That sounds stupid, right? Like some pansy ass shit? But you’re my partner and my best friend. You’re the only one I trust to watch my back.”  
  
The words should have spun some type of reaction in Jensen but he barely flinched. There wasn’t much emotion to the words despite that fact that old Jensen would have meant them. “Yeah, you too.”  
  
Casey closed his eyes and sighed. It was apparent that he saw the change in Jensen, he saw the cracks where the darkness crept in. It seemed that everyone involved in the situation hurt in some way. Jensen thought that just maybe he had the solution to that.  
  
“Jensen, look, I know you’re going through some fucked up shit –“  
  
“You killed him, right?” Jensen sat up straighter, locking eyes with Casey.  
  
They both knew who “him” was. No one used Felix’s name. He didn’t deserve a name.  
  
“Yeah, Jense’, I killed him. Shot him the moment I saw him, without a second thought.”  
  
“And he’s dead?” Jensen’s breath hitched, whole body shuddering in reaction.  
  
“Dead. I would have killed him twenty times over.”  
  
“He’s not dead.” Jensen shook and a wounded animal cry left his mouth. He hunched over and dissolved into whole bodied sobs.  
  
“Jen…” Casey’s movements were static for the moment as he tried to figure out what to do. Slowly, he pulled his partner to his body and let him cry into his crisp uniform. “He’s dead. I promise you. I killed him for you.”  
  
Jensen moved so quickly that he had Casey’s gun out of the holster and cocked before Casey knew what was going on. With a shaky hand he swung it towards his friend. He didn’t want to hurt Casey but he needed his partner to back away enough so that he could do what he needed to do.  
  
“Jensen!” Casey almost fell backwards, eyes trained on the way Jensen aimed at his heart.  
  
“He’s not dead. Not really.” Swallowing, Jensen fought off the dizzy feeling that came with his adrenaline rush. His hand shook despite how much he focused on steadying it. “He’s still alive in here,” Jensen kept his eyes locked with Casey’s and trailed the muzzle of the gun along his abdomen, “and in here.” He trailed the gun up until it was pointing at his brain, the organ that kept ever memory of Felix alive and on replay in his nightmares. “I can kill him. Finish what you started.”  
  
Casey put up both hands. The pulse on his neck was quick as his heart slammed into his chest. “Put the gun down, Jensen.”  
  
“I can’t.” Jensen’s hand shook so much that he pushed the muzzle of the gun more firmly against his temple to keep it steady. It was cold against his hot flesh. There was no way Jensen was doing this. He thought there must be someone possessing his body because this wasn’t him. But Casey was staring at him, fear and panic radiating off of him in waves. “I don’t want to do this Casey.”  
  
“I know you don’t. I know.” Casey took one step forward but halted when Jensen turned the gun his way again. “Easy, Jen. It’s okay. You don’t have to do this. He’s dead. I swear to you. The rest, whatever is going on inside you, we can take care of that.”  
  
“You make it sound easy.” Jensen ran the gun over his jaw line and hitched it under his chin. “It’s not easy. But this will kill him. And then it’s done.”  
  
“Put the gun down and we can talk about this.”  
  
“I don’t want to talk! I am tired of talking. I want him to go away! I want everything to go away.” Keeping the gun cocked, Jensen toyed with the trigger  
  
“Okay, so we don’t talk. But don’t do this. Don’t. This isn’t you.” Casey took a step closer and Jensen let him. “Come on, Jense, I know you.”  
  
“You don’t know me anymore.”  
  
“Yes I do. You’re Jensen Ackles and you are the best man I’ve ever known. You have a pregnant husband who loves you and a family I wish I had. You’d never hurt them by doing what you’re doing. Because, this will hurt them. You think it will help but it won’t. They’ll live with the guilt that they failed you in some way for the rest of their lives. I know it. You know it. So don’t do this.” Casey took another step forward. “Give me the gun.”  
  
Jensen knew his partner was right. Suicide wasn’t going to solve things for the people he loved.  
  
Something snapped in his brain and he saw himself in the way Casey must see him now. He had actually pointed a gun at his best friend. He felt like he was going to be sick. For one split second, he thought that if he just pulled the trigger, he’d never have to worry about things ever again. His hand shook violently as Casey kept his gaze. There was faith in those eyes and Jensen surrendered. He dropped the gun into Casey’s hands.  
  
Casey clicked the safety back in place and slid the gun towards the furthest corner of the room before letting Jensen fall into his arms. “I’ve got you. It’s okay.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Case. I’m sorry. I…I…”  
  
“Shh, it’s okay. You didn’t mean it. It’s okay.”  
  
Casey held onto Jensen as he broke into more pieces than ever before. There was a moment of silence between them before a nurse came into the room, saw the gun on the floor and set the hospital into a flurry of activity.  
  
It ended with Jensen being strapped down to the bed and wishing he pulled the damn trigger.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

The last thing Jared truly remembered was telling Casey that Jensen wanted to see him.  
  
The rest was all a blur now.  
  
He thought he’d finally eat something while Casey was in with Jensen and he supposed he got most of his meal down but then there was panic. People were swarming him, tugging him in 700 directions.  
  
He’d always worried about other people trying to kill Jensen, he’d never worried about his husband being the one to kill himself.  
  
Surely his mother had been wrong. Jensen couldn’t have tried to kill himself.  
  
But he got to Jensen’s hospital room and they wouldn’t let him in.  
  
He’d picked out Casey in the crowd and grabbed him like a lifeline. “Casey, what happened?”  
  
“I…I don’t know.” Casey was white. He was shaking to his very core. “He just snapped. He-he grabbed my gun and said…oh god, Jared, he said he needed to kill Felix. He said Felix is inside him. I heard the click of the gun. I stopped him but he was going to do it.” Casey let out a quaky breath. “Oh god, I’m going to be sick.” He wobbled and fell into a chair so that he could cradle his head in his hands.  
  
Jared stood there, paralyzed.  
  
Jensen was screaming loudly, gruff sounds filtering down the hallway. The pain in his voice, emotional and physical, was intense. It shook him.  
  
Something in his body cracked, an internal sound that was so loud he could almost hear it. Everything tensed and pain roared through his body. It was intense. The cramp was so bad that he doubled over, wrapping both hands around his middle, he crumpled to the ground.  
  
He suffered in the vice like pain for only seconds longer before unconsciousness hit him hard.  
  
When he woke, everything still hurt. He saw Megan, or at least thought he did, hovering beside him. He couldn’t think on it long because he murmured his husband’s name before slipping back under.  
  
When he woke again, he seemed stable enough to stay in the world of the living. For the second time in six weeks, he found himself tucked into a hospital bed. This time, his mother-in-law was beside him.  
  
She looked older than yesterday.  
  
Jared probably did too.  
  
“Jared, sweetie, just relax.” Donna put out a hand and pressed it to Jared’s shoulder.  
  
For his part, Jared hadn’t even realized he was struggling. Forcing himself to forge ahead for Jensen’s sake had become part of his everyday regime and Jared did so on autopilot. “Jensen?”  
  
“You need to not worry about him for a while. Let me do that enough for both of us.” Donna brushed her son-in-laws hair out of his face.  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“I’m going to tell you, but you need to not get upset.” The warning was ridiculous. If anything, it only spiked Jared’s heart rate. “You fainted.”  
  
“I know that – “  
  
“You fainted and you started bleeding.” Donna spoke slowly so that the words got across clearly.  
  
“Bleeding?” There had been too much blood in his world lately. Jared didn’t need more blood on his hands, certainly not that of his unborn baby. “Did I lose the baby?”  
  
“No. But you still can.” Donna took a deep breath. “You’ve been doing so much Jared and we all think it is too much for you. We are all worried about Jensen. I…he’s my son. It’s killing me to watch him wilt like this. But I won’t survive if you and my grandbaby join him.”  
  
“He’s my husband, I can’t just…”  
  
Donna cut him off. “And that’s my grandchild.” She put her hand over the swell in Jared’s middle. “You need to take care of it.”  
  
Falling back onto the pillow, Jared felt the weight of his mother-in-law’s hand on his stomach. A part of his brain acknowledged that he loved this baby but he loved Jensen more. He thought that meant there was something wrong with him. Donna was staring at him, waiting for some type of reaction, only Jared didn’t know what she expected from him. “I want this baby.”  
  
“I know you do. We all know you do. But you need to remember that. You need to take care of yourself too. Your body needs you to take it easy. It’s a tall order, right? It must sound crazy. But I can tell you I would do anything for my children. It may not have manifested in you yet, but you’ll get there. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. You’ll regret it every day.”  
  
“But Jensen – “  
  
“Sweetie, I don’t know if you can help Jensen right now. I don’t know if anyone of us can help him right now.”  
  
Hopelessness set in. It was overwhelming and omnipresent. Jared hadn’t ever thought he would be torn like this. “Is the baby okay?”  
  
“Yes. It’s stressed out but it’s okay.” Donna put a hand over her mouth to stifle a soft cry. “Don’t let anything happen to the baby Jared, please.”  
  
It was a promise Jared couldn’t make.  
  
Four months ago, he would have promised Jensen nothing would ever happen to them, that they’d be happily in love forever and a day.  
  
Three months ago, Bruce promised him that they would find Jensen and everything would be okay.  
  
Two months ago, Dr. Tomayo promised Jensen would make a full recovery.  
  
Jared was losing confidence in promises. They meant nothing.  
  
Despite that, he nodded anyway, closing his eyes and turning his head away from his mother-in-law so that a tear could slip silently down his cheek.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

No one was saying it until Josh called it like it was.

  
His brother was in the psych ward.  
  
They could sugar coat it all they wanted. Nurses and doctor could tell Jensen’s family that Jensen was simply getting the help he needed.  
  
Josh had recently made himself more available to help his mother and father deal with the weight Jensen’s recent status was putting on them.  
  
He kept things real for Jared without making them overwhelming. There were things Jared knew he had to step down from now for the sake of his own child’s health. If Josh could carry the burden for a while, then he’d let him do it.  
  
So, Jensen was in the psych ward and everyone was going to have to deal with that.  
  
He’d been put on suicide watch which annihilated any privacy when speaking to him.  
  
Not that Jensen did a lot of talking.  
  
Things escalated out of control when Jensen insisted his doctors abort the thing growing in his middle.  
  
If asked last year, Jared would have said he personally wouldn’t choose abortion for himself but he understood why others might go that route. At the time, he never thought Jensen would be part of the “others” he was referring too.  
  
Thinking about killing a part of Jensen made his gut twist. It unclenched a bit when he reminded himself that it also meant killing a part of Jensen’s rapist.  
  
That was a decision he couldn’t make.  
  
He didn’t want to make it.  
  
If Jensen wanted an abortion, then he’d go with Jensen’s decision.  
  
Jensen had been speaking it over intensely with Dr. Clyne. It was even one of the only things he had talked about with Jared. Everything in Jensen’s world felt like it had been thrown in a box and shaken vigorously. The decision to have an abortion was the only thing Jensen felt certain of anymore.  
  
That was the plan. That was what they were going to do.  
  
Doctors started thinking it was for the best. They said Jensen might be able to heal afterwards.  
  
Only, one nurse went public with the information.  
  
She’d gotten fired, but it was too late. The information was out in the world and news stories ran wild with it.  
  
The nurse was against the abortion. She was convinced that Jensen was in no state to make the decision to end an innocent life after he proved his instability by trying to end his own.  
  
She’d been fired but she’d caught the attention of the community.  
  
There was an explosion of talk about ethics and mental stability and who should make decisions when others couldn’t. The baby in question wasn’t Jared’s but Jensen was Jared’s husband. Who got to make the decision over if this fetus, this product of rape, got a chance to live or die?  
  
Apparently, some judge who made it his business to rain hell down on the hospital did.  
  
There were things ripped out of everyone’s hands that forced Jensen to carry the baby to term. Jensen was deemed mentally unstable and incapable of making a clear head choice.  
  
The choice that filtered down a legal system Jensen had fought so hardly for in the past. That legal system was now turning its back on him.  
  
They could appeal, but it would take too long. It was a moot point; Jensen would be full term by the time they resolved an answer.  
  
There was anger, lots of it, but also a weird weightlessness in the fact that all decision making had been taken away from them.  
  
There had been too much loss in this whole process. Aborting a baby and marring Jensen was the roll of causing that loss seemed like it would topple the scales.  
  
For now, Jared was having a baby but so was Jensen.  
  
It solved one problem but sprouted too many more.  
  
The day the court decision came down the pipes was the day Jensen stopped speaking.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen stared at his middle while someone he’d never seen before rolled an ultrasound transducer over it. He’d fought against her to the point where they had to restrain him but just because he was forced to endure the process didn’t mean he was going to willingly answer any of her questions.  
  
Besides, he’d stopped using words weeks ago when he’d learned they did no good.  
  
Wincing, the technician pressed a little too firmly and he wished Casey’s gun had gone off while he had it pointed at his brain.  
  
The sensation of the woman gliding something over his middle was awkward. He felt like a laboratory experiment and thinking that way help him detach himself enough from the situation. When this was over, when this thing was out of him, he could go back to being a human again.  
  
His body had betrayed him. It drew larger and nurtured the thing growing inside him despite the fact that didn’t care about it. His stomach was round and pushing out. The woman told him he was 16 weeks along. He’d never had an ultrasound because the baby was never supposed to matter.  
  
Curiosity got the better of him and he looked at the screen. There was a baby which was mildly surprising because he thought it would be half monster. It wasn’t though. It was human looking, curved skull and bent limbs. What he saw did nothing to him.  
  
It looked like the pictures Jared had shown him of their baby.  
  
It wasn’t extraordinary or distinctive in any way.  
  
It didn’t move him the way it moved him when he thought of his and Jared’s child growing up strong.  
  
Emptiness.  
  
It wiggled inside of him like the parasite it was. It was draining him and sucking away at everything he once was.  
  
“The baby’s healthy. It looks good.”  
  
 _Damn_. Jensen snorted.  
  
The technician wiped off Jensen’s middle and left the room, keeping the patient restrained and making him someone else’s job.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

“Jared?” Sherri pulled open her front door and found her son standing there.  
  
“Hi, mama.” Jared sighed. “Can I come in?”  
  
“You never have to ask that.” With a sad shake of her head, Sherri move aside to let her son in. He’d gained weight but he still looked like he would break if you stared at him to intensely. His middle was small but rounder, sticking out more prominently than before but due to his tall frame, it looked deceivingly smaller than one would think a 21 week pregnant belly looked. Before Jared was even fully inside, she pulled him to her body and hugged him tightly. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“How do you know something is wrong?” Jared hunched so that his body curved over his mother’s.  
  
“Because you are standing at my front door looking like you need your mother.”  
  
“Nothing’s actually wrong. I’m just tired.”  
  
Sherri nodded understandingly. “Have you seen Jensen today?”  
  
“Yeah. More of the same. He still isn’t talking but he listens to me.” Falling against the wall beside the door, Jared folded both hands over his middle. He felt a bubbling sensation inside his womb but didn’t smile at it. It was hard to be happy about something when he felt like his other half wasn’t able to feel the same way. He’d been feeling the baby move for a few days, he’d even laughed and felt a jolt of excitement before the guilt set in and drew him back down to staying neutral. “I have an appointment with Dr. Brenner today.”  
  
“You do?”  
  
“Yes. In an hour.” Jared rubbed a palm along the underside of his belly. “Can you come with me? I don’t want to go on my own. There are too many people in the waiting room with their significant other, I can’t face that prospect by myself. It’s just another thing that sets me apart. It’s bad enough people whisper, like they all know who I am.” The rant was unexpected, but Jared kept talking, blowing off stream he didn’t know had been accumulating. “I thought, since Jensen missed the first ultrasound, that he’d be out of the hospital in time to come with me this time.”  
  
That was the kicker. That was the letdown Sherri had seen in Jared’s eyes from the moment she opened the door.  
  
“Yes.” Sherri’s eyes shine like she might cry. “Baby, of course I will come with you.”  
  
She doesn’t cry then, but she does as soon as Dr. Brenner gets through the initial exam and has a clear picture of the baby up on the ultrasound screen.  
  
“Look at you,” Dr. Brenner said to the baby’s image. “You’ve certainly grown.”  
  
“I did good?” Jared perked up. He’d tried his hardest to make up for the first 13 weeks of the baby’s existence. He’d eaten right, followed Donna’s advice and stepped back at times, and made sure to actually sleep in a bed rather than a hospital chair.  
  
“You did great.” Dr. Brenner smiled and patted Jared on the shoulder. “You’re right on track.”  
  
“Thank god.” Breathing a sigh of relief, Jared fell back, crossing his arms behind his head so he could watch his baby move on the screen. “Is it sucking its thumb?”  
  
“Yeah. See right here? That’s the hand.” Dr. Brenner took some more measurements. “Do you want to know what you’re having?”  
  
Jared nodded. He’d thought about this question for a while, even spoke to it with Jensen. Though his husband never really answered him, he could read Jensen enough to know that he wanted to know the gender of their baby.  
  
“It’s a boy.”  
  
Sherri’s tears spilled over at the sight of her first grandbaby. “Oh, Jared. Look what you did?”  
  
Jared did look. His son looked safe and sound on the screen, blissfully shielded from the chaos of his parent’s lives. Jared’s throat constricted slightly as he tried to fight back tears. He heard Dr. Brenner tell him that the baby was measuring appropriately for 21 weeks and he lost it. He sobbed into his hands while his mother tried to shush him.  
  
He cried because she wasn’t supposed to be the one crying with him.  
  
He cried because Jensen wasn’t there to cry too.  
  
He cried because he was starting to care about this baby more than anything else.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen watched Jared walk around the room. His attention was drawn to Jared’s middle and he wanted desperately to touch it.  
  
He couldn’t though.  
  
The baby inside of Jensen made for a constant reminder of why Jared should be ashamed of him. Still, Jared kept showing up day after day. He kept making Jensen want to hold him and talk to him while simultaneously rubbing it in his face that he couldn’t bring himself to do those things.  
  
Jared sucked his lips in, letting his face fall into a sad expression. He had an agenda of what he was going to tell Jensen when he got here but he didn’t expect that Jensen would look particularly vulnerable today.  
  
His husband had been a cop through and through. He was strong and unwavering.  
  
The person standing in front of him was not the Jensen he knew. He wasn’t a force to be reckoned with anymore. He was quiet and fragile. The distended curve of his stomach looked out of place on him and Jared never thought he’d ever see the day where his husband grew with child.  
  
It was a plan someone else made for them. As much as Jared hated that fact, he couldn’t deny something that had been budding in his brain since he’d first seen evidence of the baby Jensen was carrying.  
  
Jensen didn’t know about it but Dr. Costa had shown Jared a print out of the 16 week old fetus Jensen had been forced to keep. The baby was no monster. It was sweet. It was yawning widely, little fists raised as the world got its first view of it. The same swell of warm, fuzzy emotion that he got when looking at ultrasound scans of his son built up inside Jared when he saw the picture.  
  
That fact shocked him.  
  
He thought he would hate the baby for everything it represented to Jensen. Jared knew there was a lot of blame to saddle the baby with but none of those things were truly the baby’s fault. It didn’t ask to exist. Someone had shook up its world as much as Jensen’s.  
  
It didn’t ask to be the product of rape.  
  
How could Jared hate something so little and defenseless?  
  
In truth, he couldn’t. Instead, he saw it as part of his husband. He loved his husband so how could he hate something that contained a part of him?  
  
It had taken a lot of soul searching to help Jared realize that fact. There were a lot of sleepless nights and battles between what his heart and brain knew.  
  
It was hard to talk to Alan and Donna. He’d ended up having several heart to hearts with them. Jensen was his husband but he was their son first. Decisions about Jensen’s pregnancy may have been taken out of their hands but Jared still needed to know where his in-laws stood on the issue.  
  
It was difficult for them to speak about it. Jared understood why. Too Jared, Jensen’s baby had no biological connection to him. To Donna and Alan, Jensen’s baby was their grandbaby. That basic instinct to recognize biological family instantly kicked in. Wanting Jensen to keep the baby meant Donna and Alan wanted to open Jensen up to nine months of mental and physical discomfort. Asking him to abort the baby was voluntarily giving their grandchild a death sentence.  
  
Jared could learn to love Jensen’s baby but Alan and Donna seemed to already love it unconditionally. It made conversations with them messy because they didn’t often try to see it from Jared’s point of view. It was too painful to explore it more deeply.  
  
Talking to Mackenzie didn’t do him much good.  
  
While Jared usually got along with his sister-in-law, she was too angry to see two sides to Jensen’s pregnancy.  
  
In Mackenzie’s eyes, there was only a rapist and the damage he’d done to her brother. Everything inflicted on Jensen, including the pregnancy, was a wrong that needed to be put right.  
  
She’s changed over the last five months, just as they all had, but anger ran more wildly through her than anyone else. It emanated off of her in heat waves that proved both her dedication to her brother and her combustibility.  
  
The only one in his life who seemed to be on his wavelength at the moment was Megan.  
  
Since she’d found out about Jared’s pregnancy, she’s been more than just a kid sister. It was like some rite of passage for Megan and instantly she was an adult in his eyes. She didn’t jump to conclusions, she listened when Jared needed her to listen, but she helped him rally when Jared didn’t know he needed it.  
  
She was Jared’s baby’s greatest fan, even more than Sherri. She had a way of making things about Jared’s baby while squashing any guilt Jared would feel about taking a break from focusing on Jensen.  
  
She also knew the times when Jensen did need focusing on.  
  
It taught Jared two things. Megan was going to be a great aunt and she loved Jensen. From the beginning, Jared knew Megan would be the one to understand his conflicted thoughts about Jensen’s baby.  
  
They’d talked about it often enough but Megan still shocked him with a comment she’d made the other day. She slipped up while baby talking to his belly and told his son that she couldn’t wait to meet her new family members. There was a plural there that Jared latched onto immediately.  
  
In Megan’s head, Jensen’s baby was a lot of things but none of those matter because it was a baby who she’d love.  
  
She made it sound so simple.  
  
While Jared didn’t care about biological makeup, sometimes the ability to brush off someone as being less connected because they lacked a connection in genes reared its head. Thinking like that made Jared feel like less of a person. If anything, he’d been so connected to Jensen’s family that he was living proof blood didn’t make someone family. Why Megan was able to make a connection to Jensen’s baby far more quickly than he was a mystery to him.  
  
After talking about it with Megan, he saw it her way and couldn’t remember how he could have thought any other way.  
  
He did, however, have the added struggle of trying to marry his concern for Jensen’s well being and his new feelings for Jensen’s baby.  
  
Staring at Jensen now, watching his husband look at him like a wounded animal, Jared forgot everything he planned on telling Jensen today.  
  
The baby inside of Jared shifted and kicked. Taking in a gasp of air in surprise, Jared put his hand on his middle.  
  
Jensen watched Jared’s quick movements, flinching despite the fact that his husband was across the room. He saw the way Jared slowly stroked the curve of his belly and looked down at it in thought. When Jared made another noise of surprise, Jensen walked over to him and cocked his head,  
  
Answering Jensen’s silent question, “he’s kicking,” Jared said softly. Without thinking, he reached out for Jensen’s good hand and pressed it to the left right side of his belly. “Can you feel it?”  
  
Jensen’s eyes went wide. The touch shocked him. He hadn’t felt Jared’s stomach in weeks and it was much different than the last time he molded his palms to it. Licking his lips, a wave of emotions knocked him to his knees.  
  
He loved the little being under his palms as much as he hated the one growing inside of him. When Jensen felt the gentlest flutter under his hand, he gasped. Like a chain reaction, pained sobs left him. He touched his forehead to Jared’s middle as the tears fell to dampen his husband’s shirt.  
  
There was so much going on inside Jensen and he couldn’t make any sense of it. Being forced to realize that some part of his life was thriving while he felt like he was dying did funny things to Jensen’s brain.  
  
Jensen held onto Jared for the first time. He wrapped his arms around the small of Jared’s back and kept his cheek pressed against Jared’s pregnant stomach. He was too concerned with feeling the soft movements inside that he didn’t flinch when Jared combed his fingers through his hair and brought them to rest as he cradled Jensen’s head.  
  
Looking down, Jared’s heart hesitated to beat. He was afraid that one wrong movement would ruin the most intense connection they’d had in months. They stayed connected, both of them crying, for so long that it actually became uncomfortable. There was no way, however, Jared was going to pull out of the embrace. He’d stand there until he dropped from exhaustion.  
  
The baby shifted and Jared’s voice with it. “He’s a boy, Jen. I found out yesterday. He’s healthy and bigger and he’s just perfect.”  
  
The news hit Jensen hard. They’d wanted a boy first, despite the lies they’d told themselves that they didn’t care what they had. There was some truth in that, but Jensen wanted a son. Months ago, before the nightmare, there had been discussions, late at night when they both weren’t afraid to get their hopes up. They wanted a little boy who would be a perfect mix of both of them.  
  
Now they were getting it.  
  
The news was happy but in that moment Jensen hit rock bottom. He felt the fall. He felt everything drop out from underneath him, like he was empty. He couldn’t go down any further because there was no where left to descend to. Looking at Jared with their son growing inside of him, Jensen realized how much he’d left himself lose. He had nothing.  
  
He was at the bottom.  
  
Which meant, he couldn’t go anywhere but up.  
  
Clinging onto Jared, Jensen mumbled into his husband’s middle. His voice was hoarse from disuse but he got the words out. “Jare…I want to go home.”  
  
The words hit his ears and sent Jared to the floor. He fell to his knees too quickly and it hurt but it didn’t matter. He’s crying but he’s laughing too, relief bubbling out in a desperate sob that echoed in the room. He wanted very much to grab Jensen’s face and smash their lips together but he’s trained himself well enough to stifle those desires. Instead, he braved touching their foreheads together. “Okay, baby.” He didn’t know if he could make good on that promise but he’d die trying. “Okay. I’m going to make sure they let you out.”

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

The dead silence in Jensen’s hospital room was shattered when the man screamed. While sleep escaped him in thin wisps, Jensen’s nightmare still stood front and center.  
  
He pushed up from the bed, chest heaving and sweat trickling down his spine.  
  
He kept his eyes wide open for fear that images of his rapist were plastered to the insides of his eyelids. It was bad enough that they were burned into the wrinkles of his brain.  
  
The nightmare was the same as it always was.  
  
It was an exact replay of what had happened to him when he was held captive. The first times he was lucid enough to remember the dreams, Jensen thought they were real. Now that he’s grown accustomed to them, he knew they would end when his body woke himself up.  
  
Sleep and wakefulness weren’t much different; they were just mirror versions of the same nightmare.  
  
Tonight the dream felt realer than ever. His body was clenched tight in an attempt to keep the invisible rapists out. Despite nothing violating his body, everything ached.  
  
The end of the nightmare was the only difference between what actually happened and what how his brain twisted things to make them even worse. Instead of Casey saving the day, Jared was there in his place. Instead of a gun going off to kill Felix, Jared was the one who died instead, thus leaving Jensen to suffer for the rest of his life.  
  
The moment dream Jared’s body hit the ground, Jensen woke up with a start.  
  
As damaged as he felt, suffering through rape every night was nothing compared to watching Jared die.  
  
He woke up every night feeling useless and like a failure of a husband.  
  
The doctors couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give him anything to help him sleep because of the baby.  
  
His therapists were useless.  
  
Felix haunted him every night.  
  
Falling back to the bed, he’s jolted from his reflections by an alien sensation in his middle. It felt like something sliding along his insides.  
  
At first, he thought it was his imagination but as he woke further he realized it was very real. The movement happened again and he looked down at his middle. He’d grown so accustomed to avoiding any visual or physical sight with his stomach that the curve of it shocked him.  
  
This wasn’t his life. This wasn’t his body.  
  
But the movement was there and it didn’t show any signs of going away. It nagged at him, making him run a hand under his t-shirt and over his rounded stomach.  
  
The connection with that part of his body shook him. He’d known there was something inside of him; he’d seen it on the ultrasound scan. He’d felt the weight and general feeling of thereness overwhelming his body. Feeling the thing moving inside him made everything more intense.  
  
The being, the thing he only let himself think of as a parasite, as something that he was forced to incubate with any real connection, was alive. It was alive and vibrant.  
  
It was everything Jensen wasn’t at the moment and it was there.  
  
Jensen couldn’t hate something for doing what he couldn’t do himself. He didn’t love it, but it was such an intense turning point that Jensen could barely comprehend that he didn’t hate it anymore either. It was just there. The feelings negated each other until it was a neutral time of ambivalence.  
  
Curling his palm over his middle, Jensen turned on his side and pulled his legs up closer to his chest. It was a vulnerable pose but for the first time since the hospital deemed him “unstable”, “insane” or “off balance,” Jensen didn’t feel so alone. There was someone, a tiny fetal someone, who was there for him to think about rather than ignore.  
  
Reaching out, he found his cell phone. It was the one piece of his outside world that he’d been able to keep. The number was new so that Jared could filter out who had access to Jensen. Mostly it was just family but Casey, Kris, and Bruce had the number as well. Since Jensen had a habit of shutting them down, their calls had been coming in slower dribs and drabs as of late.  
  
Rounding his back and tucking into himself, Jensen dialed and pressed the phone to his ear. He wasn’t surprised when Jared picked up the phone on the second ring, voice panicked and concerned despite the traces of sleep in his words.  
  
“Jen? Baby? You okay?”  
  
Jensen’s voice cracked. “I love you.” They weren’t the words he was going to start with but the burst out of him as an automatic response to his husband’s concern.  
  
“I love you too, baby. But what’s going on? It’s three in the morning. Are you okay?”  
  
“No.” Jensen ran a hand over his eyes and sighed. “I had a nightmare. The nightmare. Can you…can you just stay on the phone until it’s gone?”  
  
Jared’s voice came across the line like something had broken inside him. “Yes. Yeah, of course. I can stay up all night. Do you want me to come there?”  
  
“No.” Even thought, Jensen wanted to say “yes.” He wanted Jared to come but he also needed Jared to get rest. He’d figured out early on that Jared had a hard time dealing with carrying their son. He’d been strung out on drugs and insanity but he’d still seen the way Jared was wilting. There was no way Jensen was going to deprive his husband of the rest, of the semblance of normal, Jared was getting now that Jared had finally gotten his pregnancy on track. “No. Just talk to me. Okay?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jared paused and Jensen could hear him shuffling. “I’m going to make hot chocolate. Remember how we used to do that at night when we first bought the house? Before we had a coffee maker?” There were the sounds of clinking and the pull of a drawer.  
  
“I remember.” The memory seemed long ago and far away but it still tugged at Jensen’s lips.  
  
“Remember how you used to make it with water before you met me?” Jared’s voice sounded more sad than tired at this point.  
  
Jensen let out a muffled laugh. “Yeah. You were right, milk is much better.”  
  
“I wish you could have a mug with me.”  
  
“Yeah, me too.” Running his fingers over the scruff on his chin, Jensen sighed. “Does that baby like it with milk too?”  
  
“Mmm hmm. He’s awake now.” Jared let out a huff. “Jen?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I need you to know…well,” there was a break in Jared’s speech and he took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking a lot and I need you to know that, umm, the baby you’re carrying, that’s your baby. It isn’t anyone else’s. It’s yours. So if you want it, then it can be ours. And if you don’t want it, that’s okay too. But it’s just a baby Jen. It’s not a monster.”  
  
“I think I know that. I think…yeah, I know.” Jensen’s was too stunned by his husband’s words to say anything more. It was a heavy topic to discuss and he wasn’t ready for it yet but now it was out there.  
  
“So, if you want it to be, then it can be mine too. I just wanted to throw that out there. I know it is a lot to deal with but…” Jared’s words trailed off and he let out a nervous noise.  
  
“I know. I just…I don’t want it. I wanted it to die.” He paused to take a breath. “I don’t want it to anymore. But I don’t want it to live with me either. I just want to be done with it so we can be whole again.” Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore the flutter in his belly. “So tell me about the hot chocolate. Are you making that dark chocolate one I don’t like?”  
  
There was such a long silence on the other line that Jensen thought they lost the connection. Then Jared piped up. “No. I’m making your favorite. That milk chocolate raspberry one that I don’t particularly like but your son seems to want it.”  
  
“Are you using the mug your mother bought you? The ‘World’s Best Teacher’ one?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Jensen closed his eyes and tried to envision it. It would be perfect if only he somehow fit into the picture.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Over the course of the week, Jensen couldn’t seem to make heads or tails of if Dr. Clyne thought he was making progress.  
  
Jared had been more resolute in trying to get Jensen released from the hospital. There had been shouting matches and angry faces, ones Jared and Josh both tried to hide when they visited.  
  
Something was going on outside Jensen’s world that he wasn’t fully aware of but there was a war and his brother seemed to be leading the charge.  
  
Dr. Clyne never told Jensen what to do or what to believe but she made a weird interested hum when he’d told her that Jared would treat the baby in Jensen’s womb as his own. He thought that maybe that was progress.  
  
He backtracked a little when he broke down and had a panic attack thinking about saddling Jared with a rapist’s baby.  
  
The clash of wrong and right, lawful and immoral only made Jensen see how impossible it would be for him to love the child he was carrying in the manner a child deserved to be loved.  
  
He backtracked further when the doctors wanted to perform an internal exam on him. Technically, he’d never had one in regards to his pregnancy. He’d slipped through a lot of loop holes and he was sure the hospital staff was glad for that. Jensen was like a rabid dog and no one wanted to get near him.  
  
There was some bull shit about the hospital wanting to make sure Jensen and the baby were okay before they released him. Like a carrot dangling in front of his face, taunting Jensen with the promise of being released was the hospital’s new way of getting him to do what they wanted.  
  
This time was different though. Jensen was still angry and throwing off that fact in waves of body language, but he doesn’t fight back. Mostly that was because Jared was with him this time.  
  
Jared watched Jensen and wasn’t sure of his place. Jensen’s status had been downgraded weeks ago. He wasn’t on suicide watch anymore but people still regarded him with caution. It made Jared flinch every time he saw the way people looked at his husband. Jensen, as Jared knew him, was no one to be afraid of. He was the best person on earth and Jared couldn’t wait to have that back in his life.  
  
He wanted to take Jensen away from all these people and keep him safe but Jared knew he couldn’t protect Jensen from the villains in his own mind.  
  
Jensen was unpredictable at the moment. His eyes darted around the room, landing long enough on each doctor and nurse to size them up. He’d never seen the current people standing in front of him but he wanted out of this hospital so he got on the exam table without any prompting. “Let’s get this show on the road.”  
  
The doctor pulled back in surprise before settling his professionalism into place. “Okay. Okay, good. Yes, let’s do that.” He moved towards Jensen. “You can lay back and we can get started.”  
  
Jared watched Jensen lay back and wrung his hands for a moment. The nervous energy building up in his body must have been having an effect on his son because he felt a sharp, sudden kick. “You okay, Jen?”  
  
“No. But does it matter anymore?”  
  
“Of course it matters, baby.” Jared took a seat beside Jensen’s exam table. “Of course it does.”  
  
“I just want to get this over with.” Jensen sighed. He didn’t draw back when Jared put a hand on his shoulder and thought that was noteworthy.  
  
The doctor took a seat on a stool at the end of the exam table. “Okay, can you scoot a little lower towards the bottom of the table. Lower. Perfect. Now put your legs in the stirrups and we’ll get this over with as quickly as possible. I’ll be gentle, I promise.”  
  
If only concern over the doctor being gentle or not was what made Jensen freeze. The doctor couldn’t possibly understand that the source of almost all Jensen’s nightmares resonated from the area he was being asked to willingly expose.  
  
Jared picked up on the way Jensen tensed and the hitch in his chest when he stumbled over a breath. “Jensen, baby, it’s okay. Right? I’m right here. Look at me.” With a reassuring nod, he got lower to Jensen’s face so that his almond shaped eyes were all his husband could see.  
  
Jensen licked his lips, stared at Jared, and slowly parted his legs and swung them into the stirrups.  
  
It became a blur of panic and trying to ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. Jensen’s breath hitched several more times because there’s someone inside him. Granted, it was just fingers, but they were there.  
  
They were in places only reserved for Jared.  
  
Jensen almost cried out when he realized his first thought was wrong. Someone else had taken that title away from Jared.  
  
By the time the exam was over, Jensen was shaking but he’d gotten through it. Everything was fine. It was another checkmark on the long list of things he needed to have ticked off before he went home.  
  
The ultrasound came next. While in many ways it was less invasive than the doctor’s first exam, it made Jensen shudder just the same.  
  
The doctor, thankfully, was very good about warning Jensen before he did anything. He uses cautionary touches and slow movements, all of which kept Jensen defensive flinches to a minimum. Nothing could have stopped Jensen from tensing up, however, when he exposed Jensen’s pregnant belly and squirted ultrasound gel on it.  
  
For the first time, Jared was able to see the true nature of Jensen’s middle. He’d seen his husband’s stomach veiled by clothing but now there was no hiding.  
  
Jensen looked away from the ultrasound screen. He’d seen the baby once; he didn’t need to see it again.  
  
Jared, on the other hand, watched it like a hawk. He didn’t say anything but he was immediately fascinated with all the things he could make out on the screen. Much like his own 21 week scan, Jensen’s 20 week scan showed an undeniably humanoid form. Unlike his own baby, this one seemed to be face down and the doctor manipulated the transducer to get a proper image. There was silence while the doctor made notes, took screen shots and jotted down notes in Jensen’s extensive file.  
  
“This little one looks good. Nice and healthy.” Moving the transducer, it was easy to make out a twin pair of feet. Following them upwards, the legs were bent at the knees. “You curious about the gender?”  
  
Jensen stayed silence, eyes still concentrating heavily on the blank wall to his side.  
  
The obvious answer, for Jared, was the same he had told Dr. Brenner at his own appointment. He wanted to know if the baby was a girl or a boy. Jared thought that if Jensen knew the baby had a face and a gender it would be more human to him. Without coaxing and answer out of Jensen, Jared caught the doctor’s eyes and nodded. “Yeah.”  
  
“That right there is a little lady. She’s a bit of a gymnast because it took me a while to navigate the way she twists her body.” The doctor laughed, trying to cut the tension.  
  
“Jen, you want to see?”  
  
“No. I’m good. We done?” Jensen’s voice was devoid of emotion. Whatever Jared thought his husband would feel in learning the baby’s gender wasn’t there.  
  
“In a moment.” The doctor flipped a switch and a sound now familiar to Jared filled the room.  
  
Subliminally, Jared smiled at the sound. It was oddly soothing. “Hear that, Jen? That’s her heartbeat. That little thing can make such a powerful sound.”  
  
Jensen froze. It was powerful. It was powerful enough to make him lurch up into a sitting position and retch over the side of the exam table while the sound beat its way into his brain.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared had been up all night trying to get the house ready for Jensen’s return. Originally, he had tried to do something special. He wanted his husband to feel special.  
  
His family had come over and decorated with “Welcome Home” banners and small tokens of their affection littered throughout the house.  
  
It looked perfect and maybe it was but Jared stayed up all night taking everything down and packing them away in the closet. He’d give Jensen the gifts at some point but he felt the need to hide them for now.  
  
He didn’t want to make Jensen feel like he was being rewarded for doing something that had once been part of his normal life. Jared wanted his husband to feel like he was coming home, like it was just another day. He wanted the house to feel familiar, not made alien by the fact that so many new things covered up all the old.  
  
Jared had lain awake in bed anyway. There was no way he was going to sleep. There were too many possible scenarios running through his brain and making him nervous.  
  
He stayed up all night making things look like they always looked.  
  
Sitting on Jensen’s favorite armchair, he curled up and rubbed his belly. “Hi, baby. Your papa is coming home tomorrow.” The baby shifted. “Do you like that? Huh? Isn’t it going to be nice to have our family all together again? He hasn’t been here since the day you were created.” Jared sighed and relaxed deeper into the chair. “But, it’s going to be good, right?” When the baby didn’t do anything to respond, Jared kicked himself for foolishly thinking his son could keep up his end of the bargain. “I’m nervous, sweetie. See, you have a sister. I don’t think papa thinks of it that way, but you have one. She’s five weeks younger than you. And I’m scared about how papa is going to react to being home with us. He doesn’t know how much I’ve changed because of you. I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying.”  
  
Jared paused and looked at his middle. “Sweetie, he’s going to love you. He already does even though he doesn’t tell you like I do. You’ll love him too when you meet him.” This time, the baby kicked Jared in the bladder. “Hey, ouch. That’s one hell of a response to a heart-to-heart.”  
  
Keeping up his loving touches to his belly, Jared closed his eyes. He felt foolish for getting his worries out in a conversation to his unborn son but he needed to talk to someone and his baby was all he had at the moment.  
  
He didn’t sleep, there was too much on his mind, but he daydreamed of what life would be like with his husband back where he belonged and realized just how long of a road they had left to travel.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Walking into his house had Jensen feeling a little like he was walking on the surface of his life. Everything he was seeing made sense but he hadn’t been home in so long that it felt distant. He was seeing it but it wasn’t sinking in.  
  
He was there, but things didn’t seem real at first.  
  
There was, however, a sigh of relief the moment he walked through the door and Jared locked it behind them.  
  
He knew locks meant nothing anymore but the concept was so deeply seated that it calmed him a little.  
  
Everything was just as he remembered it. He practically fell into sitting on the couch and closed his eyes doing absolutely nothing. He knew Jared was looking at him, he could practically feel it.  
  
The house was quiet in a way he hadn’t experienced in months. The hospital had its own definition of quiet, one that was still filled with footsteps and doors opening or closing. The house he and Jared shared didn’t breathe, or maybe it had at one point but it was deadened now. An airy sigh left his mouth as he tilted his head back.  
  
It wasn’t that he was unhappy to be home, it was that he wished it was under different circumstances.  
  
He’d come a long way from sixteen weeks ago. Sixteen weeks ago he’d tried to kill himself over a pregnancy he wanted to terminate. Even if he wanted to abort the baby after the court’s ruling that he couldn’t terminate his pregnancy had been lifted, it didn’t matter. He was past the gestational age for a legal abortion.  
  
At 24 weeks pregnant, he no longer wanted to abort the child inside of him. He didn’t want it but he couldn’t kill it. It was probably as damaged as he was and maybe his child’s will to live was hope that he could too.  
  
So he was stuck with this baby and no other choice but to take it home with him for the time being.  
  
“Jensen, do you want me to make you something for dinner?”  
  
Jensen almost jumped out of his skin. Jared’s voice shocked him, the suddenness of it scaring him.  
  
“Ohh, Jen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Jared furrowed his brows and sat down across from the husband. At almost 30 weeks, his belly was large and the only thing Jensen’s eyes could focus on when he finally stared at Jared.  
  
“It’s okay.” Jensen rubbed his eyes and huffed out a breath. “Anything you want to make is fine. I think I’m just going to lay here, if that is okay.”  
  
“Yeah, baby. It’s okay.” Jared made a move to show some form of affection for Jensen but backed off. The instincts to press a kiss to Jensen’s lips, temple, cheek, anything was strong but he’d learned to control them. He and Jensen hadn’t kissed in 29 weeks. Medically, he understood it. Jensen was more than touch sensitive and the slightest things sent fear through Jensen’s whole body. As much as Jared wanted to show physical affection, he had been finding new ways to let Jensen knew he was there and he understood. Still, it ate Jared up inside. He was frustrated and hormonal. He wanted affection as much as he wanted to give it but that part of him was left hallow and yearning.  
  
It was the part of him that cried at night and tried to find solace in the fact that his baby always reacted to his touch and his voice. But it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t what he wanted.  
  
Lingering in an awkward stance in front of his husband, he turned on his heels and padded towards the kitchen. “I’ll make some chicken. That herb grilled kind you like.” He didn’t wait for an answer before delving into dinner preparations and leaving Jensen to watch him leave.  
  
Jensen slid so that he could recline on the couch. With his stomach in the way, it made it difficult for him to get comfortable but he settled for tucking a throw pillow under his middle and trying to disappear into the couch cushions.  
  
The couch smelt like home. He hadn’t realized their house had a smell until he’d been deprived of it for so long.  
  
He’d noticed the way he’d made Jared uncomfortable and it tightened the screw in his heart. He couldn’t kiss Jared but it wasn’t because of what his husband might think. He wanted to reassociate himself with the ways that Jared’s body always made him feel alive but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking he was unworthy of Jared’s attention. His brain had come up with a countdown until he’d be ready. Once he had the baby, once it wasn’t a reminder of their nightmare, then maybe Jared would be able to love him again. Surely there was no way Jared could want him like this. It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t handle letting Jared touch him only to watch him recoil in disgust.  
  
It was on his mind all through dinner. They ate in silence until Jensen practically lost it when Jared dropped a plate.  
  
The noise crashed into Jensen’s brain and reminded Jared of how strongly Jensen was suffering though PTSD.  
  
They didn’t talk about it although Jensen wished they had. Being at home was starting to feel like they were navigating though the same world while on different planes of existence. Suddenly, they were like glass and they both moved so as to give each other enough room to pass without brushing against each other.  
  
By the time nightfall came, Jared was glad they could fall into sleep and start over tomorrow. Living in silence was awkward. He’s watched Jensen observing him and felt guilty at the odd broken expression that came across his husband’s face when Jared talked to his unborn son. After living in their house alone for so many weeks, Jared had started talking to his son on a daily basis. It was hard to stop and remember that he had his husband to talk to. He promised he would do better tomorrow.  
  
Over the last several months he’d started sleeping in the center of his bed to keep his brain from remembering that Jensen’s side of the bed was empty. With Jensen back, nerves ran through his body as he lay on his side of the bed. There was tension mounting between them and he gave Jensen a twitching smile as he sunk into the mattress and tugged the sheets up.  
  
Jensen got into the bed in a slow remembrance of what it was like to sleep there. He settled on his side, facing Jared but burying his face in the pillow and closing his eyes before Jared shut the light.  
  
There were no words between them and Jared fell asleep before he heard Jensen’s breathing even out in sleep. He didn’t know how long he’d been sleeping before something fished him out of unconsciousness. It was still dark but a quick search with his hand let him know Jensen’s side of the bed was empty. “Jensen?” With some difficultly, he pushed himself up and flicked the light on. It took him three seconds to find his husband.  
  
Jensen was sitting in the chair beside the window across the room, one Jared thought never had a purpose because who sits in an armchair in a bedroom. Years ago, Jensen had insisted upon it. He liked it but he’d never used it. Tonight, however, that was exactly where Jensen was. He was sitting stiffly, eyes trained on something outside the window. He was scanning the area, body tense and almost vibrating with nervous energy.  
  
He looked at Jared for a moment before going back to the window.  
  
That was the night Jared cried into a towel in the bathroom.  
  
That was the night Jensen learned what it meant to be an insomniac.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Readjusting to living with Jensen again was awkward. Jared didn’t know what the correct word for it was. It was frustrating and he wished he could just shake his husband until all the piece fell back into place but nothing in life was that simple.  
  
He knew Jensen was trying. He really did.  
  
Jensen was going to his therapy appointments, which meant Jared was too. Jensen didn’t drive right now but Jared was happy to take care of all the driving for the time being. He was worried what would happen when he couldn’t fit behind the wheel but he had a list of people practically breaking down their door to help. It was flattering but Jared really needed it to be just the two of them. They needed to relearn how to function together before they added more players.  
  
The thing that started to get difficult was that Jensen seemed to want both space and a constant visual of Jared. The tug of war going on inside Jensen’s head made it almost impossible to get anything done.  
  
Jensen had fallen asleep on their couch the other day and Jared took the moment to get some laundry done in the basement. The events that ensued from that choice made it one Jared would never make again.  
  
Somewhere between the extra rinse cycle and Jared putting clothing into the dryer, Jensen had woken up. He’d started calling for Jared, the panic in his voice reaching Jared despite the level of flooring between them. It was harder to climb stairs while in his third trimester but Jared tried to find his husband as quickly as he possibly could. When he did, Jensen looked wide eyed and on the verge of a panic attack.  
  
Jensen had hardly been able to speak. He didn’t have to. Jared knew exactly what type of terror was going on in his brain. He’d told Jared about the nightmares before, Jared knew Jensen dreamt of Jared dying or being captured.  
  
When Jared had gone to comfort his husband, Jensen backed up against a wall like the gesture wounded him.  
  
That was the week Jensen went to therapy four out of the seven days. It was also when Dr. Clyne suggested Jared sit in for a session as well. That, in itself, had been a key to a lock Jared didn’t even know they had.  
  
Jared saw a glimmer of hope for them and he latched onto it so firmly that he ached with the possibilities.  
  
Sitting beside Jensen, enough space between them so that the tension in their bodies could create a storm, Jared bit his lip and looked at Dr. Clyne. He didn’t know what to say or how to start but the doctor didn’t seem like she was going to take on the role anytime soon. She sat there, legs crossed and an expectant quirk to her lips, looking far too young for Jared to put such a heavy responsibility on. He hoped she could heal them but he wondered how someone the same age as him could possibly understand the things he and Jensen had piling up.  
  
Jensen cleared his throat, startling even Dr. Clyne. He knew both Jared and Dr. Clyne expected to have to coax words out of his mouth but they’d been building in his brain for weeks. He’d wanted to say them, they felt like they were poisoning his mind and bringing him further down. He thought that if he got them out then maybe there was an antidote to lift him up again. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Dr. Clyne raised an eyebrow. “Why are you sorry?”  
  
Jensen turned towards Jared and spoke to him while he answered the doctor’s question. “I’m sorry all of this happened. I am sorry I am not making any of this easy for you. I’m sorry I don’t know how to act like the person you fell in love with.” As soon as the words started coming a flood gate opening in Jensen. A list he’d created in all his sleepless nights poured out. “I’m sorry I am dirty and shameful. I’m sorry I’ve left you alone in every way. I’m sorry I can’t touch you and I’m sorry I am not clean enough for you to touch me. I’m sorry you’re stuck with a husband who isn’t good enough for you. I’m just sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Jensen’s words eek out between ragged breaths and a desperate sob. By the end he had more to say but he couldn’t remember it. He got stuck on repeating the simple apology and hoped it could be a blanket statement to cover everything he’d fucked up in the last 33 weeks.  
  
Jared balked at the things Jensen was spewing. His mouth went dry and he watched Jensen crumble before his eyes. Looking towards Dr. Clyne, she seems just as shocked. He got the feeling that Jensen had never done this before.  
  
“Jen….” Jared tried to speak again but his heart broke when Jensen let out a low whine. Then he realized the whine came from his own mouth. They were both crying by the time Jared struggled to his knees and shuffled so that he was in front of Jensen. “Jen, baby, stop. Stop. Please stop.” He reaches out and grabs both of Jensen hands. “Jensen, look at me.” Truthfully, Jared had so many tears in his eyes that he couldn’t see if Jensen was already looking at him. “You really believe that?”  
  
Taking a deep breath through his nose, Jensen shivered. “It’s true Jared. Look how much I’ve fucked up your life. Look how fucked up I am. And now you’re stuck having a baby with a man who doesn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you. And I can’t take care of you like I used to, like I promised to when I married you.”  
  
Jared let out a laugh in disbelief. He was both angry and not angry at the same time. He couldn’t believe the things coming out of Jensen’s mouth. If Jensen really thought that way, then his husband was worse off than he though; that made Jared almost bite through his lip. “It works both ways, Jensen! I promised to take care of you the same day you promised to take care of me. It works both ways! Let me take care of you. I want to take care of you. I am trying to take care of you!” Jared had been so focused on keeping calm for Jensen’s sake that he realized this was the first time he’d raised his voice. The frustration came out. Now that it had some control, Jared almost growled. He needed to comfort Jensen but he needed to let his husband know how much it was affecting him as well. “God, Jensen, let me help you! I love you and I don’t give a shit if you can’t be the person you were when we met. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you and I want you to get better but we can’t get better until you let me help.”  
  
Jensen stared with wet blinking eyes.  
  
Dr. Clyne leaned forward. “Jensen, Jared is telling you he’s committed to sticking this out with you. He wants to help. He’s under the impression that you’re actively not letting him do that. Why do you think he would think that way?”  
  
“Why wouldn’t he think that?” Before Jensen realized it, he was squeezing Jared’s hands. His right hand hurt but he held on tightly. “I’m a mess. Why would he want to deal with me?” Shivering, Jensen looked at Jared. “Do you know how badly I want to touch you? At night, in our bed, I want to wrap around you like I used to. I want to touch your stomach and feel you grow. But I can’t. I can’t because I’m disgusting and I’m pregnant with…with….” He got hung up trying to find the right word.  
  
Jared finished for him. “With a baby girl.”  
  
“With a rapist’s baby girl. A rapist, Jare. How can you want to touch me after you knew what happened to me? God I want you to, but how can you do it?”  
  
“How can I want to touch my husband? Is that what you are asking me?” Jared crawled closer on his knees, fitting himself between Jensen’s spread legs. “I wish you saw what I see. You’re still you, Jensen. I know you’re in there. Since the beginning, I’ve wanted to hold onto you so no one could take you away again. I’m not me without you. My life…my life ended when you were gone. Do you know that? Did anyone tell you? I never told you and maybe I should have. I didn’t want to give you more guilt. But I fell apart. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe. And then you came back and something terrible happened to you but it didn’t become part of your makeup. I hate him but not you. It wasn’t your fault.”  
  
There was so much intensity in Jared’s words. There was fire there and for once he wasn’t dancing around Jensen.  
  
It was the reminder that Jared could be still be himself in front of Jensen that both of them desperately needed.  
  
“Jensen, do you have any idea how hard it has been trying to do this? I’m pregnant, like really pregnant. I’m exhausted. But I’ll still do anything to help you. I’m not stuck with you. I want to be with you. I’m not stuck with this baby. But I don’t want to be a single father either. I will give you everything but you need to meet me halfway or at least a quarter of the way.” By the time he was done, Jared was crying again. He pulled Jensen’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “I’m sorry you thought all those things but they aren’t true, Jen. I want you.”  
  
Jensen tugged Jared’s hands, urging his husband to rejoin him on the couch.  
  
Jared put one hand on the small of his back and struggled to get back to his feet. For the first time, he wasn’t afraid to treat Jensen like he wasn’t going to break. He used Jensen as a solid force to help him get up and trusted Jensen to handle all of his weight while get got back to his feet.  
  
Sitting beside Jensen, Jared wiped away his tears with the back of both of his hands. “Jen…” Biting his lip, he leaned forward and wrapped both arms around his husband’s back. A surprised gasp left his mouth when Jensen pulled him closer, taking control of the embrace and combing a hand up through Jared’s hair.  
  
The connection felt better than anything Jensen could have imagined. For all the fear he had in letting Jared back into his heart, the relief in having Jared latch onto him was ten times more.  
  
It wasn’t a solution but it was the beginning of one.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen stared at Jared from across their bedroom. He’d been staring in that direction for a long time. Even while Jared was behind a closed door, Jensen still stared at their bathroom while latching on to the comfort in knowing exactly where Jared was.  
  
Jensen knew that Jared was brushing his teeth. He picked on the habitual spit and rinsing sounds that Jared always made. In wait, he slipped into bed, sitting propped up against the headboard while waiting patiently.  
  
The fact that Jensen was able to relax, despite not having a visual on Jared, was a testament to how far he had come. Nerves over how tonight would go were bubbling up but he squashed them. Therapy with Jared was slow going but its impact was immediate. In Dr. Clyne’s office, something lifted from between them and they got angry. They vented their frustrations. They yelled at each other. By all means that should have equated a fight but they ended up locked in each other’s arms each and every time.  
  
Since the revelation that Jared didn’t need to treat Jensen like glass and Jensen needed to let Jared help, things had gotten easier. That wasn’t saying much. They were still dealing with roadblocks at every turn but at least they were making turns together.  
  
Tonight, Jensen was putting trust in Jared and his husband didn’t even know it yet.  
  
The minute Jared opened the door, Jensen flinched and his attention flicked directly towards his husband.  
  
Jared gave his husband a curious nod of his head. “Everything okay, Jen?”  
  
Jensen didn’t answer right away, choosing instead to lick his lips. “It will be, right?”  
  
“I…I think so. I hope so.” Jared shucked off his clothing, leaving him to stand in front of his husband in only his boxer briefs. He reached for a well worn white t-shirt and was about to pull it over his head when Jensen stopped him.  
  
“Leave it off.”  
  
“Huh?” With the shirt already slid onto one of his arms, Jared turned to face Jensen more directly.  
  
“Leave it off. Come to bed just like that.” Jensen flipped down the sheets on Jared’s side of the bed and turned a sincere eye on his husband. “Please?”  
  
Screwing his lips up in confusion, Jared shrugged and let the shirt drop to the ground. He’d regret that later when he had to struggle to pick it up but he felt the pull to give into Jensen’s request. “Yeah, okay.” He smiled and padded towards the bed, sliding in and looking Jensen over. He couldn’t remember when he’d seen Jensen look so calm. The tension and panic that now always ran as background noise in Jensen’s frequency was still there but it wasn’t the main feature of his expression.  
  
Making a wet smack of his lips, Jensen studied Jared. “You look gorgeous, Jare.” He studied the curve of Jared’s body and the way his chest had filled out in this late stage of his pregnancy. The lean muscle that Jared always had was still there, but there was another layer to it, things going on in Jared’s body that helped nurture their child. Alarm bells went off in Jensen’s head when he realized the same changes were going on in his own body but he pulled the plug on that thought. Tonight was not a night for him to give those thoughts any attention.  
  
Jared blushed, instinctively pulling the sheet up and covering the swell of his middle. Jensen had seen his stomach before but there was something about the way Jensen’s eyes studied him that made him feel vulnerable. “Jen, stop…”  
  
“No. You look,” Jensen tugged the sheet back down so that he could see Jared’s whole stomach, “beautiful. I need you to know that. I can’t remember if I’ve ever told you that before but you deserve to know.”  
  
Jared’s heart rolled over and butterflies fluttered through his bloodstream. He smiled before letting out a sad sigh. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that. How much I need to hear that.” Licking his lips, Jared tried not to let himself get so emotional so soon. “I don’t feel gorgeous or beautiful. I feel fat and clumsy and I can’t see my feet. But if you tell me that I’m gorgeous, then I’ll believe you. Your opinion is the only one that matters to me.”  
  
Jensen snorted. Jared was big, he couldn’t lie about that, but he wasn’t fat. “I like seeing your belly. It reminds me that we did something right. You know? That something right is happening in our world after a sea of wrongs.” Jensen reached out a hand but hovered it half an arm’s length away from touching Jared’s stomach. “Can I touch you?”  
  
“Of course you can. I’ve told you that before.”  
  
“I know, but you initiated the touch then or you gave me permission. I just…I don’t want to touch you if you don’t want me…if you don’t want me to.”  
  
Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand and ended the questioning by placing it on his belly. Truthfully, Jared hadn’t had many people touch his stomach. Megan seemed insistent on doing so every chance she got and both his mother and mother-in-law liked saying “hi” to their grandson but most people kept their hands off. Jared supposed that was because people walked on eggshells around him in an attempt to keep from reminding Jared of the distance between him and Jensen. He’d never gotten used to the belly love but he still craved it. Jensen’s hands touched him and they were cold enough to send a shiver down his spine. But then Jensen was sliding them lower, following the curve of his belly and swiping along the underside. The gesture was one of curiosity but there was a sensual flow to it and Jared flushed.  
  
They fell silent while Jensen touched his husband. They both take matching soft inhales of air when their son kicked. Slowly, Jensen’s hand glides towards Jared’s side, the fingers splayed out and covering as much surface area as possible. The change in Jensen’s placement happened so slowly that both men almost gasped in shock when they realized where Jensen’s hands ended up.  
  
Jensen had both hands pressed palm down against Jared’s lower back. He was kneading the muscle there, eyes locking onto Jared’s. His breathing came in quaky nervous hitches of his lungs but he doesn’t move away. His hips shifted closer until they were side by side.  
  
Jared thought he was going to cry. Jensen’s hands were on him and not just touching him but holding him. Slowly, he crawled a hand under the sheets towards Jensen and stroked up his forearm. Jensen didn’t flinch, watching Jared’s hands instead, merging the sense of touch with a visual of it. Jared got bolder and he pushed his palm flat against the span of Jensen’s chest. The beating heart under his palm was going wild. Even after sex, Jared had never felt it beat that fast. Swallowing, Jared moved his hand downward. As soon as he reached his destination and curved his palm over Jensen’s pregnant middle, his husband went rigid.  
  
“Jay, don’t…”  
  
“Why, Jen?” While Jensen seemed to be enduring it, Jared kept his hand in place. “Why? Let me touch you. Let me show you that you are gorgeous too. You thing all this is disgusting on you but it isn’t. You look sad and miserable but….just let me touch you? Let me show you how much I’ve wanted to touch you and show you how much the little life in you doesn’t disgust me.”  
  
Jensen closed his eyes and made a broken sound in the back of his throat. He felt Jared’s fingers snake under his shirt and gently stroke over his middle. Jensen hadn’t touched his belly like that, he’d made a blatant effort to avoid acknowledging his stomach. He didn’t deserve the soft caresses Jared was giving him but Jared seemed to think otherwise. His husband didn’t stop. The baby shifted and Jared’s relieved sigh let Jensen know his husband had felt it. Jensen was so touch starved that it was enough to make him crumble and press forward into his Jared’s hands. “Jay..”  
  
“I’m right here.” Jared followed his husband’s lead and locked both hands around the small of Jensen’s back. “Open your eyes, baby. It’s just me. Okay? And I want to touch you. I want you to touch me. God, I wanted it for so long. I wanted you to feel our son move, because he moves all the time.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Jared nodded. “All the time.” The tears came then, hard an heavy and Jared instinctively lowered his head to Jensen’s shoulder an wiped them away on the fabric of Jensen’s t-shirt. He cried harder, heart exploding when he realized Jensen didn’t pull away. There was a slow drag up his back and Jared felt Jensen cradle the back of his skull with a strong hand as he held Jared comfortingly against the crook of his neck. “Oh, god, Jensen…” Jared couldn’t stop the crying. Jensen felt warm and being held to his neck made it impossible to escape his scent.  
  
Jensen nudged his jaw along Jared’s head, feeling the hair against his weeklong growth of facial hair. “I’m here, Jare, I’m here.” Shifting so that they were pressed up against each other, Jensen’s voice went serious. “I have to talk to you. I have to tell you what happened to me in my own words.”  
  
“No, Jen. You don’t. It’s okay. I know.”  
  
“I know you know but I need to tell you. I need to tell you the whole thing and then it will be out there. Maybe it will still be inside of me but you’ll know everything. So I need to tell you. And you need to let me.”  
  
Jared wanted to protest. He didn’t want to hear the story again but he’d do it if Jensen needed to. Nodding into Jensen’s hold, Jared spoke softly. “Okay. Whatever you need.”  
  
Clearing his throat, Jensen held onto Jared more tightly. In the hospital, Jared knew most of the story but he didn’t know Jensen’s internal monologue during his capture. Maybe if he did, then Jared would understand why he felt so unworthy of being touched. He could do this. He knew he could. It wouldn’t be easy but if it gave him some chance of getting over it, then he’d figure out a way to finish what he was about to start.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared had been running an emotional marathon and while its benefits far outweighed the price his stamina had to pay, Jared was exhausted. Being 35 weeks pregnant wasn’t easy but it wasn’t terrible either. It wasn’t as bad a Jensen’s who somehow had the bad fortune of having a kid who liked to tuck up uncomfortably high in his ribs and give him continuous bouts of indigestion.  
  
Thankfully, Jensen let Jared help. Jensen bitched more about his pregnancy than anything but at least he was acknowledging it on a daily basis.  
  
If they weren’t dealing with so many serious issues, watching Jared and Jensen co-habitate would be comical. It reminded Jared of the reason why no two people should be pregnant at the same time while sharing the same bed. Trying to get comfortable, when the actually did, was a downright act of magic.  
  
It was getting even more interesting now that Jared was done with being pregnant for physical reasons.  
  
Jensen had been emotionally done from the get go but he had a few more weeks before he truly understood how much Jared wanted their son out.  
  
Going to Dr. Brenner every week for appointments was a bit of an ordeal but it came with it more revelations.  
  
The first time Jensen came with Jared, he’d practically broken down in the car with apologies about how he’d missed out on Jared’s entire pregnancy. Watching Dr. Brenner examine Jared made it apparent that these were moments they always planned on spending together. They’d talked about it, sometimes jokingly, sometimes seriously, and they knew they were both going to be active participants if and when Jared got pregnant.  
  
The second time Jensen came with Jared, he ended up being the one on the exam table. It hadn’t been planned that way, but Jensen made a comment about not seeing his own doctor for several weeks. Dr. Brenner gave Jensen one quick look over and determined that he was way over due for an exam.  
  
Somehow, the doctor got his way.  
  
Jared wasn’t expecting it but Dr. Brenner was no stranger to Jensen. They’d met before when Jared had trouble getting pregnant. It still shocked Jared when Jensen didn’t put up much of a fight. Dr. Brenner had several things going for him. He was kind, had a friendly smile, and though he was soft spoken he spoke with such intelligence that it made it hard to argue with him. The one gigantic strike against Dr. Brenner was that he was male. Jensen hadn’t been seen on a regular basis by a male doctor since his meltdown in the hospital. Somewhere along the line, the hospital staff took the path of least resistance and kept up their decision to have Jensen seen by female professionals.  
  
But somehow, Jensen grimaced through getting checked out. His baby girl was healthy and growing, measuring bigger than average but not enough to cause worry.  
  
After that appointment, it was Jared who broke down in the car because he felt so negligent over making sure he kept to his own appointments but lost track of when Jensen needed to go to the doctor as well.  
  
It was no one’s fault. Jensen had been happy to let that fact slide.  
  
Still, Jared cried and apologized but froze up when Jensen kissed him on the top of his bent head. It was quick and practically over before it occurred but the sign of affection had happened.  
  
The ride home was made easier by the fact that while Jared drove, Jensen pulled his free hand onto his lap and held it the entire way there.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen knew Casey had been trying to visit for weeks. Logically, he should have wanted his best friend’s company. Logically, however, one would never willingly point a gun at one’s best friend.  
  
The guilt over the spot he put Casey in on the day he contemplated shooting himself was just another issue Jensen added to his list of many.  
  
Jared had insisted that Casey understood. That was hard for Jensen to believe. Jared wasn’t there. Jared didn’t see the way he pointed the gun directly at Casey and cocked the trigger.  
  
Truthfully, Jensen didn’t want anyone there. He tolerated his parents because they were his parents and he didn’t have a death wish anymore. He wasn’t going to say no to them.  
  
His brother was easier to talk to than his parents. Josh didn’t give him that heartbroken pity look. He talked to Jensen like everything was normal. He was the only person in his world who didn’t stare at his growing stomach. Josh was the polar opposite of Mackenzie at the moment because Jensen’s sister only stared at Jensen’s pregnant middle and cried. It had gotten to the point where Jensen didn’t know who was trying to comfort who because he spent most of his time with Mackenzie reassuring her that he was okay.  
  
Either he was a fantastic liar or he was getting back to “okay” because Mackenzie had been starting to believe him.  
  
Overall, Jensen knew he was being frustrating. He couldn’t explain it but he wished Jared would understand what it felt like to be around people who knew every detail of his life. It made Jensen feel like he had to apologize for so much more.  
  
Jared was staring at him, holding the phone and asking if he wanted to talk to Casey.  
  
“No.” He shook his head softly. “Tell him I’m sorry.”  
  
Jared sighed sadly and nodded. “No, Case, he’s still not feeling up to it. But he’s sorry.” Jared padded out of the room and rested his back against a wall in the hallway. “I know he misses you, Case. I can see it. He just feels so bad about what he did.”  
  
Casey’s sigh came across the connection loud and clear. “I know, Jared. I’m not mad at him. Hell, he knows we’ve been trained to deal with situations like that. Jensen never pointed a gun at me. That person in the hospital room that day was not Jensen. It was someone else. I know that someone else is gone now. And I fucking miss my best friend.” Casey went quiet for a beat. “I am worried about you two. I am worried about you, Jared. Me and Kris both are. I know he needs time.”  
  
“Yeah, he does.” Jared cupped the phone to his mouth and peaked around the corner to see if Jensen was paying attention.  
  
“I’m still going to be here. So, he can take all the time he needs. But if you need anything, you call me. Okay?”  
  
“I know, Case. Thanks. I appreciate it and I know Jensen does too.” Jared rubbed his temples with his free hand. “You know, not that I don’t appreciate it but you can stop driving the patrol car past the house three times a day. I think we are pretty safe here.” He laughs softly to show that he doesn’t find Casey’s protection to be an annoyance.  
  
“Can’t do that, Jare. I promised Jensen I would look after you while he couldn’t. I’m just making good on a promise. Besides, like I said, I am worried about you too.”  
  
“Well, thanks.” Jared smiled and thumped his head back against the wall. “You know I see you when you drive by? Stealthy you are not.”  
  
“I’m not trying to be stealthy.” Casey laughed. “How are you doing, Jared? For real. How are you really doing? How is the baby?”  
  
Jared sighed. “I’m tired but I’m okay. The baby is okay. He’s making it difficult for me to sleep but he dropped a little bit so I can finally breathe again.”  
  
“You sound like Kris did at the end. She was done.”  
  
“I am done. I want him out like yesterday. But I’m kind of scared about what will happen when he gets here. Jensen and I are only halfway back to who we used to be. What if the baby, or babies, shake things up too much.”  
  
Casey made a quick hum of surprise at Jared’s mention of babies. “Honestly? You’re never going to be ready for this. Even if you were back to your normal relationship, you still wouldn’t be ready. And if you two are halfway back to yourselves, then you already have most normal couples beat. Jared, I don’t know if you know this, but the two of you bounce each other in ways people envy.”  
  
“It’s hard to believe that.” Jared shook his head.  
  
“That doesn’t make it less true.” Taking a deep breath, Casey spoke slowly. “Listen, you’ll be great. Jensen will too. You’ll see. He wants that little boy.”  
  
“It’s not our son I’m so worried about.” The admittance is out of Jared’s mouth before he remembered he wasn’t talking to himself. He gasped and wished he could take it back but Casey was already humming while he mulled that fact over.  
  
“You going to keep her?”  
  
“Jensen doesn’t want to.”  
  
“That’s not really what I asked.”  
  
“I know.” Pinching the bridge of his nose, Jared sighed. “I don’t know how to answer your question. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what we are going to do. We take it day by day because I don’t think either of us can handle anything more than that.” Jared heard a clatter come from Casey’s side of the conversation.  
  
“Fuck. Sydney fell off the couch. Call you later?”  
  
“Yeah. Talk to you later. Bye, Case. Thanks for calling.”  
  
Jared disconnected the call and closed his eyes in reflective silence for a minute. His stomach growled, reminding him that he had been in the process of figuring out lunch plans before Casey called. Going back to the kitchen, he noticed they were in dire need of a visit to the grocery store. “Hey, Jen?”  
  
“Hmmm?”  
  
“Wanna go food shopping with me?”  
  
“Not really.”  
  
“Well,” Jared paused. He’d never left Jensen alone from the day he’d come home for the hospital, “wanna hang out here while I go? I’ll be as quick as I can.”  
  
There was a shuffle and then Jensen poked his head around the kitchen doorway. It was easy to read the fear and anxiety over every feature of his face. “Are you serious?” It wasn’t a demand that Jared stay with him but the question was full of hurt and accusation that Jared would abandon him.  
  
Rolling his eyes, Jared threw that suggestion to the wind. “Okay, guess not.” Frustration flared up and Jared snorted. “Want to go visit my parents?”  
  
“Not really.” Jensen shook his head. He loved the Padalecki’s, he did, but their house was loud and vibrant. It exhausted him thinking about dealing with that.  
  
“Your parents?”  
  
“No.”  
  
Hearing Jensen veto every attempt at a plan that Jared made was mind numbing. Jared took a calming breath and walked out of the room, up the stairs and into the room he used as an office. He hadn’t actively planned on ending up there but his subconscious took the wheel. Other than the bedroom he shared with Jensen, there were only two other bedrooms. Before Jared got pregnant, they already deemed that the room beside their own bedroom would be set up as a nursery. While trying to figure out a way to fit Jensen’s daughter into their lives, Jared’s mind came up with the idea that they would turn his office into another nursery. Jared didn’t need an office; he barely graded papers in there anymore. Usually he was on the couch or at the kitchen table.  
  
Why his body walked on autopilot and landed him in the room was beyond him. It made it so that all he could think about was replacing his desk with a changing table.  
  
It was too much.  
  
He grabbed a pillow from a futon in the corner of the room and screamed into it. He was frustrated and overwhelmed at the same time. It wasn’t all Jensen’s fault. Though his husband’s refusal to do anything had tipped the scales, Jared was already feeling off. He was achy and puffy not to mention the fact that his brain was now swimming with possibilities over keeping Jensen’s daughter.  
  
He felt like he was suffocating and maybe he was because he was trapped in the house. He need to get out. Screaming into the pillow again, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed his sister’s number.  
  
“Jay?”  
  
“Meg, what are you doing?”  
  
“Nothing, why?”  
  
“You need to get over here before I kill Jensen.”  
  
The words startled Megan and she shrieked. “Is everything okay?”  
  
“God, Megan, I’m sorry. That came out wrong.” Jared ran a hand though his hair. He couldn’t believe he had stupidly made a joke about killing someone after all the issues that exact concept had caused in the last months. “I’m fine, I’m just frustrated. I need to go out but I can’t because Jensen won’t go out. And I can’t leave him here because…well…you should have seen the broken expression he gave me when I suggested it. And I feel like I am going to explode if I don’t get out of this house.”  
  
“Woah, Jay, calm down. It’s going to be fine. I’ll come over there. Okay?”  
  
“Jensen’s going to be aloof. I am just warning you.”  
  
“I’m not afraid of Jensen.” Megan snorted. “I will come over and stay with him and you go out and cool down. Go for a drive. Get some air. Go see mom. Whatever you want. He’ll be okay with me. You know that.”  
  
“Oh thank god. You’re a life saver. I love you so much right now.” Jared cradled the phone with both hands while he sighed in relief. “You should bring food though. We’re running on empty here.”  
  
“Got it. Food and Jensen-sitting materials. Give me fifteen minutes. I will be there as soon as I can.” She hung up before Jared got a chance to say goodbye.  
  
“As soon as I can” turned out to be a half hour but as soon as Jared saw the size of the shopping bags Megan was lugging with her he understood.  
  
Megan knocked and announced herself, having long given up her habit of bursting into her brother’s house for fear of setting Jensen’s PTSD off. Once inside, she followed her brother into the kitchen to drop off her packages and put both palms on Jared’s middle. “Hi little boy, how you doin’?”  
  
“Your brother’s fine too, thanks for asking.” Jared blew a piece of hair out of his face and glared at his sister.  
  
“I’m not talking to you, Jay.” Megan smirked at him before looking down at Jared’s belly again. “Your daddy is awfully moody today. Is that all your doing?” She gave the rounded swell a gentle rub before standing on her tiptoes to give Jared a kiss on the cheek. “Hey bro, I’m glad the two of you still seem to be in one piece.”  
  
Jensen crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the kitchen wall to study Megan.  
  
“Hi, Jen.” Megan smiled and waved quickly, unfazed by Jensen’s lack of enthusiasm.  
  
“Hi, Megan. I didn’t know you were coming over.” Jensen gave her a curious glare and then looked to Jared for an answer.  
  
Megan shrugged. “I didn’t know either.” She moved towards Jensen and moved slowly enough so that he could follow her movements. She quickly rubbed a greeting across Jensen’s middle. “Hey little cutie, how’s it hanging?” Jensen tried to pull away but Megan beat him to it and was already standing up again, steamrolling past the man’s discomfort and moving onto a new topic. “So, Jared here is going to go out for a little bit, aren’t you Jared?” She didn’t want for a response before smiling at Jensen. “You and I are going to have some brother and sister-in-law quality bonding.”  
  
Jensen pulled back, thrown off by the suddenness of everything. “But I…”  
  
“Nope. No buts.” Megan grabbed Jared’s keys from the counter and tossed them to her brother. “Jared is leaving now.”  
  
Jared caught the keys but stood there in wait of what Jensen was going to do next. Instead, Megan cleared her throat, tapped her food, and glared at him.  
  
“Jared is leaving now.” Megan repeated as she gestured towards the door with her head.  
  
“Yeah, I’m going. I’ll be back.” Jared hesitated for one moment more before closing his eyes and worrying about himself for the time being. He was no good to Jensen like this.  
  
“You.” Megan pointed an accusatory finger at Jensen. “Sit down. Feet up. I am making popcorn and we are watching a movie. Don’t even think about arguing with me.”  
  
Jensen didn’t.  
  
He watched the younger woman scurry around the kitchen and tear open more packages of food than he could accurately count.  
  
Megan caught him staring and pointed towards the entertainment room. “Go. Feet up. Now.”  
  
When she returned, she had a plate full of cookies and pretzels. There was a bowl of popcorn balanced in her other hand and two BluRay cases tucked under her arm. She caught Jensen eyeing the food and winked. “It looks good, doesn’t it?”  
  
“Yeah.” The annoyed shock in having been surprised by Megan’s visit faded away in favor of coaxing Megan to let him have some of her snacks. He assumed they were for him since Megan seemed to buy every cookie Jensen had ever declared his favorite. Watching her settle onto the couch like she owned the place, Jensen was surprised that he was actually happy to see her. Despite her annoying tendency to talk to his baby and tickle his belly at any chance she got, she didn’t take no for an answer. She didn’t allow Jensen any time to feel sorry for himself or revert back to new habits. She expected him to act like the brother-in-law she knew and loved and Jensen felt himself doing so for the first time. “So, what are we watching?”  
  
“That’s up to you. I’ve got Terminator and Forest Gump.”  
  
“That’s an odd pairing.”  
  
“Go easy on me. I grabbed the first two movies I could get my hand on, okay? Someone told me you guys were starving over here. I was more worried about keeping you and my niece alive than the genre of movies I showed up with.” She stuck out her tongue and raised an eyebrow at Jensen.  
  
Jensen prickled up at Megan’s use of the word “niece” but he pretended not to notice it. “Terminator then.” While Megan set up the BluRay, he snagged her plate of cookies. “How did you know I’m craving all these cookies?”  
  
Megan laughed and bounced onto the couch beside her brother-in-law. “Oh, you too? I didn’t know we were both on the same cycle.”  
  
“Shut up.” Jensen threw a cookie and bounced it off her head.  
  
“Okay, fine. Give me the cookies then. I’ll go sit in the kitchen.” Megan smirked and put out a hand in mock reach for the cookies.  
  
“You know I can still take you, right? Despite being 30 weeks pregnant, I’ll still destroy you.” A sound came out of Jensen’s mouth, startling him and forcing him to remember what it was. It was laughter and it rang though the room and was echoed by Megan’s own laugh.  
  
They continued to laugh, teasing each other so much that the beginning of the movie was forgotten.  
  
Jensen didn’t flinch when Megan put a hand on his shoulder, laughing so hard she could barely sit upright. She told him she loved him and he’d be damned if he didn’t love her back.  
  
It was the first time Jensen was able to let so much go.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Jared had been driving around all afternoon.  
  
He loved his sister for stepping up to bat for him. Still, he checked his cell phone every five minutes to make sure Jensen was okay.  
  
He was. Of course he was. Megan text him saying they were eating pizza and Jensen even opened the door to greet the delivery man. That put a smile on Jared’s face.  
  
It also made him want to cry because no one should be celebrating the fact that their husband could answer the door.  
  
Eventually, he ended up doing all of his errands. He went grocery shopping, stopped by the bank, got a haircut.  
  
He’d made one more unexpected stop. It was one that resulted in him driving towards Alan and Donna’s house with a huge box in his back seat.  
  
Stopping in front o his in-law’s house, he gripped the wheel with both hands while taking a steady breath.  
  
“What the hell are we doing little guy, huh?” He looked down at his middle and sighed. He sure as hell didn’t know what possessed him in the last store. Letting out two more calming breaths, he slid out of the driver’s seat and knocked on his in-law’s door.  
  
Donna opened the door immediately, eyes landing on Jared before searching for her son and growing confused when she realized only one half of the pair was in front of her. “Jared? Is everything okay?”  
  
“I bought a crib.” Jared announced the statement with some much importance slathered over it that it sounded like an official statement.  
  
“Oh, sweetie. You didn’t have to do that. Alan and I already bought a crib for our little grandson’s nursery.” Donna smiled sweetly and patted Jared on the shoulder.  
  
“No. I bought a crib.”  
  
Scrunching her eyes up and trying to find meaning in Jared’s words, Donna shook her head. “I don’t understand Jared.”  
  
“I went out and bought a crib. Here, come see.” Jared grabbed her hand and led her towards his car. Opening the trunk he revealed a large box. “I bought a crib.” The box was clearly labeled with a glossy picture of a white and purple crib, pink flowers etched into the side to give it an overwhelming girlie vibe.  
  
“Oh!” Donna put one hand to her mouth in surprise. “You bought a crib.”  
  
“Yeah.” Shifting his weight, Jared scratched at the back of his head nervously. He didn’t know what made him buy the crib. He had promised himself he would go into the baby store with the pretense of looking. He barely remembered the decision process to buy the crib he only knew that within twenty minutes of being in the store, someone was helping him get the box into his car and he had purchased the first material possession for Jensen’s daughter. “I don’t know…I just…I bought it. I couldn’t stop myself. I saw it and I kept thinking that she needs something and I bought it…even if we don’t use it –“  
  
Jared was cut off when Donna pulled him into a hug. The woman latched onto him, rubbing her hands over his back lovingly and patting him every now and then. “Oh, Jared. Sweetie, it’s lovely.”  
  
Jared sniffled. “We have so much for our little boy but she has nothing and…I can’t let her have nothing.”  
  
The words set Donna off and she is crying with Jared, each of them fueling the other. They hug and laugh between cries for so long that Jared doesn’t know if they are relieved, happy, or sad. Donna wasn’t letting go just yet and Jared could tell she is touched by his decision to buy the crib. It’s the first tangible proof of what he’d suspected all long.  
  
The Ackles’ want to watch their granddaughter grow up.  
  
They hadn’t said anything thus far, letting Jared and Jensen come up with their own answers, but now Jared know they are on the same team.  
  
Donna pulled away and went back to the front door, calling for her husband. “Alan? Alan! Come out here. Jared bought a crib.”  
  
Alan comes out onto the front step with his shoulders raised in confusion. “We already got the crib. Got two of them actually. One for here and one for the boys.”  
  
Shaking her head, Donna waved him off. “No. He bought a crib.” She pushed him towards Jared’s car and brought him to a stop in front of the trunk. “He bought a girl’s crib.”  
  
“Oh.” Alan was speechless. He trailed his fingers along the package before turning and pulling Jared into a hug. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you as well. I can’t.”  
  
Jared held on tight. It was the first time someone other than Jensen said that out loud and he didn’t know how to feel. It wasn’t that he wanted recognition for dealing with the situation but he did need people to acknowledge the fact that there was probably no right decision to be made.  
  
Alan pulled away and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. Turning towards the crib, he hoisted it into his arms and headed in the direction of the house.  
  
“What are you doing?” Donna speed walked after him.  
  
“I’m bringing it inside. It’s not going to do a baby any good sitting in that car.” Alan kept walking, Donna beaming a smile at him as he brushed past her.  
  
Jared almost fell to the ground.  
  
His in-laws were on his side. Suddenly, things felt a lot less overwhelming.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

The thing about Jensen not getting the okay to drive was that shuttling Jensen to therapy, both physical and mental, usually fell to Jared.  
  
Practically everyone in their lives volunteered to take turns but Jensen got antsy when Jared was out of sight for extended periods of time so Jared didn’t take many people up on their offer often. Plus, it wasn’t like he had much else to do. Driving Jensen around gave him a sense of purpose, even if it was getting more difficult to steer around his belly.  
  
It was a given that even though Jensen was on medical leave from his job, he pretty much not going to be fit to return as a cop. His shooting hand was too damaged to hold a gun properly anymore and his mind was too shattered to deal with the stresses of being a cop.  
  
No one blamed Jensen for any of this but they also didn’t have a death wish so no one spoke about it. People lived in a weird limbo like things would return to the way they were 35 weeks ago, before the abduction.  
  
Jared was still on family emergency leave from teaching, using all the sick days he had banked for when they had a kid. He wasn’t sure if he and Jensen would ever be stable enough to return to work but for now they didn’t think about it. This left Jared with very little to do other than fret over Jensen and the two babies they were carrying.  
  
Their son didn’t have a bedroom yet. He had stuff but it wasn’t in their house. It was littered at his parent’s and his in-law’s houses. He was afraid to bring it home because it made the idea of ending up with just one baby all the more tangible.  
  
Instead, he took it upon himself to stockpile things for Jensen’s daughter on a regular basis. Once he started buying things, he couldn’t seem to stop. Apparently neither could his sister because suddenly Jensen’s daughter ended up with seven frilly dresses that looked like they could fit a doll, not a human. Megan hid them away at their parent’s house but she’d shown them to Jared, practically shoved them into his hands so he could feel the soft cotton and realize where his sister’s brain was heading.  
  
It’s one of the reasons why he didn’t mind taking Jensen to physical therapy. The physical therapist was in the parking lot adjacent to a shopping mall – a mall chock full of store containing baby necessities.  
  
Glancing at his watch, Jared noticed that he had a little more than a half hour before Jensen needed to be picked up. He looked the pink and purple onsie in his hands. There was no way it could be mistaken for something his son would wear. It was stereotypically girly and shouted the gender in so many ways. It was exactly why he bought it, not correcting the cashier when she looked at his pregnant stomach and asked when his daughter was due.  
  
When he arrived at his in-laws’ house, he barely had time to throw the onsie at Donna for safe keeping. He knew he was on the verge of being late but he let himself be pulled into the house and led up the stairs by his mother in law.  
  
In the spare bedroom there was a pile of things they’d been buying for both babies but now there was something new and it caught his eye immediately. In the corner of the room was a white chest of drawers with butterfly knobs and flowers painted down the side to match the crib he had bought earlier. Donna pulled out a drawer and stuck the onsie inside, having to shove the baby clothing down with one hand so that she could close the draw again.  
  
Jared wet his lips and walked towards the drawers in a daze. He pulled open another draw, found it full, and repeated the process to the next drawer. They were all full and there was no way he had bought so many things. “What’s all this?”  
  
Donna shrugged. She managed to get a small smile past the sadness in her eyes. “Things. Stuff I’ve been buying. I just…” She paused and ran a hand though her hair. “After you bought the crib, it was like a domino effect. I just kept buying stuff. Every time I bought something for my new grandson, I had to even it out and buy something for her too. You know? Even if we give it all away…if Jensen gives her away…at least I bought it.” She turned away from Jared but he could tell she was crying. She took an uneven inhale of air and started waving at her face in an attempt to staunch the tears.  
  
Jared didn’t know what to say. There were so many words but they all hurt and would definitely cause him to be late in picking up Jensen. “I understand.” Running his hands over the smooth surface of the dresser, he closed his eyes, sucked in his lips and tried not to cry. “I guess it’s why I keep doing it too.”  
  
Donna still kept her back to him but she reached backwards and grabbed his hand, squeezing it reassuringly for the moment before pulling away and wiping at both eyes.  
  
Clearing his throat, Jared glanced at his watch again. “I’ve got to go.”  
  
“I know.” She turned to face her son-in-law and shrugged.  
  
“Thank you.” Jared leaned forward slowly, gently kissing Donna on the cheek before he let himself out.  
  
It was a herculean effort to keep the tears from flowing on the ride towards Jensen’s physical therapist. The radio tried to do him in by playing a tearjerker of a song and watching a mother cross the road in front of him while holding the hand of a very bouncy happy little girl made his chest tighten up. Overall, he powered through, pulling into the parking lot just as Jensen was exiting the building.  
  
Jensen didn’t look too happy. His face was twisted up in discomfort, replacing the momentary relief that flooded his expression when he locked eyes with Jared. That look of relief, that visual exhale of air that always came when Jensen saw Jared, never ceased in saddening Jared. It represented so much. That Jensen would worry so much while they were apart, that he constantly concerned himself with fabrications of being ripped apart from each other again, was a raw wound and Jared didn’t know how to heal it.  
  
When Jensen yanked the car door open, Jared put on a big smile despite feeling like he wanted to collapse in bed and sleep or cry or do both until their son was born. “Hey baby, how was therapy?”  
  
“Shitty.” Jensen grumbled and made an awkward pull at the car’s frame as he got into the passenger’s seat. He winced and rubbed at the side of his stomach, letting out a hiss. “My fucking hand hurts and nothing is helping. It’s shot. It just…It just hurts all the time and they won’t give me any fucking pain medication because of this.” He shot a look at his middle. “And now that fucking hurts too.” He furrowed his eyebrows together and squinted in annoyance.  
  
Apparently it was going to be that type of day, the not so good type of day that takes over Jensen and he’s just angry. At least, with their couple’s therapy, he gets angry now instead of trying to hide it. Jared screwed his face up in confusion and watched Jensen let out another hiss. “Wait, what? What hurts?”  
  
Jensen snorted and ran his good hand over his stomach. “I’m having those Braxton Hicks contractions. I’ve been having them all day, on and off. They fucking suck and there isn’t a whole lot I can do about them.”  
  
“Aww, Jen, I’m sorry.” Jared ran a hand over Jensen’s knee. He wasn’t sure how to proceed but he tried acting the way he would appreciate if he were in Jensen’s situation. Oddly, Jared hadn’t experienced one Braxton Hicks contraction, at least not that he realized, while Jensen seemed plagued with them. “Maybe we can go home and you can take a warm bath? I don’t know what I’m doing but we can try those things Dr. Brenner told us that might help alleviate some of the discomfort. I can try rubbing your back for a little bit? If you think it will help, I mean.” Jared licked his lips and frowned at his husband’s discomfort.  
  
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Jensen let out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m being terrible and you were just asking how my day is going.”  
  
“Jen, we’ve been through this a million times. You don’t have to apologize for having a bad day.”  
  
Jensen snorted. “I’m just really uncomfortable and I knew these are fake contractions but they fucking hurt. A lot.”  
  
Throwing the car into reverse and backing out of the parking lot, Jared couldn’t help but wonder exactly how bad Jensen was feeling. His husband’s pain tolerance was scrambled and it worried him to see Jensen suffering. “Are you sure they’re fake?”  
  
“Yeah. Positive.” Arching his back, Jensen gave up on trying to get comfortable and turned to face Jared. “But how about you? How you holding up? Was our little guy good while I was gone.” Jensen reached out and touched Jared’s middle. Touching had made a new, yet suddenly constant, return to their lives.  
  
The baby shifted in response to Jensen stroking Jared’s middle and both men smirked.  
  
“He’s good. Kinda sleepy today, I guess. He’s being quiet.”  
  
Jensen was glad for that. Some part of his brain registered the already apparent differences between the two babies they carried. Their son was already being a good baby. He didn’t give Jared any problems and he always wiggled in acknowledgement when Jensen touched Jared’s belly. In contrast, the baby Jensen was carrying was anything but obedient. She moved all the time, she kicked hard, and the contractions were driving Jensen up the wall. She was never “quiet”. Ever since her conception, she proved to be an unruly force in their lives.  
  
It was the only thing Jensen could think about on the ride home. He fell quiet and wondered if the baby he was carrying was trying so hard to be noticed or acting out so that it would be easier when Jensen gave her away.  
  
Jensen didn’t love her. The lack of that emotion shocked the adoption consultant he and Jared had talked to. It just wasn’t there. Instead, there was a numb hollow space where Jensen didn’t know what to feel or what he could let himself feel. The ordeal or adoption, to him, was extremely business-like. Just like he considered carrying the baby to term, adopting her out was another task he had to survive through so that he’d be closer to returning to the life he and Jared had always planned on.  
  
Pulling into their driveway startled him out of his thoughts. Jared threw him a puzzles look but didn’t say anything at they got out of the car and made their way inside.  
  
Despite the fact that the topics they had to talk about were mounting, there was little discussion between the two of them while Jensen ran the hot water taps in their bathroom and filled the tub.  
  
The bath didn’t last long. Jensen couldn’t stand the eerie silence of the master bathroom and the bath’s still water. He stayed in long enough for the warms to ease some of his discomfort but got out before the solitude of the room started playing tricks on his mind.  
  
The bathroom was bright, clean, and his.  
  
It wasn’t the dark, dirty, alien world he’d been imprisoned in. Sometimes, however, it didn’t matter. Jensen’s brain could bring back his ‘dungeon’ quickly enough if he didn’t control it.  
  
A bathroom could become a basement in an instant and things that weren’t really in front of him could scare him just the same.  
  
“Jay?” Pulling himself out of the tub and stepping onto the bathmat, Jensen toweled himself dry. “Jared?” He heard Jared’s noise of acknowledgment from their house’s first floor. “I think…I think maybe I’m about to have a flashback or…or…or something.” The admittance in itself was a milestone and Jensen ticked it off his mental checklist. He feels the panic attack in his bones, it pulses through him and makes his vision fade in and out with his heartbeat. “Can you,” taking a deep breath, he swallowed and held onto the bathroom’s sink, “can you come remind me that I’m okay….why I’m okay?”  
  
There was no answer but Jared was at their bedroom’s doorway before Jensen’s vision came into focus again.  
  
“Hey, Jen,” Jared’s hands were on Jensen’s back, comforting rather than frightening, “you’re okay.”  
  
“Not okay.” Jensen shifted and still couldn’t see straight but he saw Jared. “Not okay without you.” He hated that he’d become this dependent on Jared, that he’d put such a burden on his husband. It ate him up in ways he couldn’t even express to their therapist. He felt like less of a person because he’s so shattered and afraid of everything. It was all true, though. He wasn’t okay without Jared and even with his husband he still wasn’t whole yet. It felt like he was floating in an ocean and no matter how hard he swam he couldn’t reach any port.  
  
Jared hooked an arm under Jensen’s and spoke softly. “Me too Jensen. Without you, I’m not okay. But I’m here and you’re here, so we can be okay now.” He gently tried to lead Jensen towards the bed but his husband dug in his heels. “It’s okay, Jen. Come on. Come lay down with me and we can talk.”  
  
Jensen went. He was still nude, which was the first time he’d let himself stay that way in front of Jared for more than ten minutes. He was ashamed of more than just the scars now littering his body. Even though Jared’s told him that he doesn’t find Jensen’s growing belly to be a monstrosity, Jensen felt more exposed like this. Without anything to hide the intensity of what his rapist did to him, Jensen was vulnerable. But Jared was touching him gently and holding him tightly at the same time. He forgot his nakedness and let himself fall down to the mattress, curling up on his side while Jared shifted and settled in behind him.  
  
It shouldn’t have been as reassuring as it was. Jensen couldn’t see his husband, as Jared was lined up awkwardly against his back, but Jared’s presence was hard to ignore. Jensen could feel, smell, and hear every little noise that he’d categorized as “Jared”. They weren’t exactly sponging, that would be far too difficult with Jared’s distended middle, but they were as close to it as physically possible. Jared’s hands were on Jensen’s back, testing the waters at first but then growing more confident before kneading the tight muscles at the small of Jensen’s spine.  
  
“You okay, baby?” Jared’s heart was a tight clench of muscle. “Want to turn so we can face each other? So you can see me? So you know it’s me?”  
  
Shuddering, Jensen shook his head into the pillow. “No. It’s okay. I know it’s you. I do.” He closed his eyes and focused on the familiar way Jared’s hands moved over his back. It was the way Jared always kneaded into him since they’ve known each other. The massaging was broken up by Jared trailing his long fingers up Jensen’s spine and then swirling them back down again to repeat the action twice more. It was familiar and comfortable. He could almost predict the exact moment when Jared’s fingers would swoop up and scratch gently at the back of Jensen’s neck as if he were a dog.  
  
In the past, Jensen would arch into Jared’s hand, reacting to the scratching with a buzz of happy energy. It was why he allowed himself to do exactly that. That action wasn’t completely authentic but there were the stirring of genuine want behind it. Jensen very much wanted to find that same feeling he used to have when Jared had his hands on him. “Remember a few weeks after we had first met, that date we had when we passed out in your bed?”  
  
“In that shitty studio apartment I was renting during my undergraduate school work? Yeah, I remember. I can’t believe we both fit in that bed.” Jared let out an exhale of laughter. “I can’t believe we stayed up all night talking. God, my friends swore I slept with you that night. They didn’t believe me when I told them we just passed out next to each other.”  
  
“We did more than that.” Jensen sighed and remembered the way his whole body used to flutter when he and Jared started dating. The fluttering was still there, even years later, but since his rape it was far too weak to break through. Jared always had a way of drawing Jensen to him, keeping him at rapt attention even when they were staring up at Jared’s studio apartment ceiling while talking the night away in their early twenties. It wasn’t so much of a shock that their first dates involved nights neither one of them wanted to end. “We were lying like this, but I was facing you.”  
  
“Yeah.” Jared’s brain latched onto the memory and his heart hammered in his chest. “That was the first time you kissed me.” The memory, while a good one, was almost painful. He wanted so very much for Jensen to turn around and kiss him again like it was their first kiss. He was just as nervous now as he was years ago and his body twitched with it. He knocked his forehead against the exposed stretch of skin on the back of Jensen’s neck and took a deep breath. The scent of his husband went right through him and the heat radiating off of Jensen’s naked body was enough to make him hold his breath.  
  
Jensen feels a shiver run through Jared and transfer over to him. “You kissed back. And we kissed and kissed and kissed all night long till we fell asleep with our lips still touching. Sharing the same air. I never wanted to breathe someone in as much as I wanted to inhale everything about you that night.” Closing his eyes, Jensen can remember the moment more clearly. He’d practically covered Jared’s body with his own and kissed the man so breathless that he had to steal breaths from Jensen’s lungs.  
  
The moment was tense, almost frozen. “I woke up and our lips were kinda stuck together. It should have been gross and weird but I licked my lips, and yours too, and you came awake while I nipped at your bottom lip.” The memory proved to be too much and Jared couldn’t help himself. He pushes more firmly against Jensen’s back and presses his lips to his husband’s neck. The kiss was long and he made a wounded sound for the duration of it but Jensen didn’t push him away. Jensen’s skin felt soft and addicting on Jared’s lips. Getting bolder, Jared took a sharp breath and kissed Jensen again, this time moving his lips up higher. He kept up the process, giving Jensen desperate kisses, his whole body shaking with nerves and electricity, until his lips were right behind his husband’s ear. “I miss waking up with your kiss on my lips.”  
  
Fear spiked in Jensen first but he used every bit o will power he could muster to suffocate it. The truth was, Jensen wanted Jared’s lips on his again. He wanted to believe that someone could touch him, kiss him, love him again in a way that would feel safe and good. Reaching back, he grabbed Jared’s hand and pulled it up, under his arm, so he could press as kiss to his knuckles. “I’m sorry, Jay.”  
  
Jared swallowed hard and mumbled with his lips still pressed firmly against Jensen’s skin. “Don’t be sorry, Jen. Just be you.” There was pain in the words and Jared hadn’t realized how much he was hurting for Jensen’s physical affection. He slotted his leg between Jensen’s and nuzzled the back of his neck and head, peppering him with kisses to his neck, shoulders and jaw.  
  
Their position was constricting but had a way of making Jensen feel like Jared wouldn’t let any of the nightmares in. He was petrified of doing what he was about to do but he didn’t let himself think on it further before spinning to face Jared and capturing his mouth in a rough kiss.  
  
The minute their lips touched, everything changed. Their movements weren’t jerky and uncertain anymore. They were like two forces crashing into each other and the intensity built to the point that Jared thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest and into Jensen’s.  
  
Jared lay there, letting Jensen cup his jaw with both hands and pull him tightly into the kiss. Their breathing hitched at the same time, a sound of a sob and a moan mixing and making it hard for either man to get enough air. They didn’t prove to require air anyhow, considering they were holding onto each other and crashing their mouths together with so much need that every other function fell to the wayside.  
  
For a minute, pure adrenaline made Jensen feel like he was riding the edge of some drug still coursing in his system. Then Jared’s hands locked around his back in the way only Jared held him and the reality of the situation made everything all the more better. The connection they shared was something he’d been searching for the courage to find again. Now that it was here, it was so much stronger than he remembered. It had so much power. It could crush him but he had to remind himself that he trusted Jared. Jared wasn’t Felix. Jared was backing down to Jensen’s kisses, not ripping them out of him.  
  
Minutes passed, maybe an hour. Jensen wasn’t sure. He could only measure time in the number of moans Jared let out or the times they broke for air. It mixed together till Jensen was clinging to Jared, drinking him in like a painkiller and letting out a shaky moan every time Jared whispered his name.  
  
Jared’s hands roamed on Jensen’s body, tiptoeing up the curve of his hip and sliding palm down up until he could feel the solidity that was Jensen’s shoulder blades. The kissing was the opening of a flood gate and now Jared couldn’t reel himself back in. Jensen felt warm and alive, every part of his husband as responsive and reactive as Jared remembered. It fanned a growing arousal in Jared and his long neglected dick twitched to attention. Instinct took over and Jared did just as they always did after such an intense make out session. He crept his hand downward and snaked it between Jensen’s legs, brushing up against the organ there that he hadn’t dared touch in months.  
  
Jensen’s blood ran cold. He froze completely, tongue drawing away from its sweep inside Jared’s mouth. Everything in his brain screamed no, no, no, wrong even though he tried to tell himself that Jared was only trying to do what old Jensen very much used to enjoy.  
  
In the end, Jensen’s contaminated brain won out. He pulled back, shutting down so quickly that Jared could see all the trust they’d just shared drain out of him.  
  
Looking at Jared made Jensen hate himself. Jared looked hurt and ashamed at the same time, weird botched apologies stumbling out of his mouth. It made no sense that Jared had to apologize for touching his husband, something they’d done thousands of times in the past. Yet, he was doing it and Jensen was hyperventilating like he’d just been held at gunpoint. Actually, it was worse. Jensen had been held at gunpoint before and that was nothing compared to the work his lungs we doing to keep Jensen from passing out.  
  
“Jen, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.” Jared’s heart sank. The thought that his foolish action could have demolished all the progress they’d been making made him want to throw up.  
  
Jensen couldn’t find it in him to talk. He waved one hand in front of his face and covered his eyes with the other. He wanted to explain but he couldn’t find a way to make “I kept feeling Felix’s hand on me” not sound pathetic. He wanted to be over this. He had no idea why he couldn’t get the fuck over this and be a functioning male again. Instead, he cried and ended up feeling all the more pathetic.  
  
Jared held him, softly and tentatively. He let Jensen cry into his shoulder and held him there for the better part of an hour before Jensen’s breathing evened out into the lull of sleep.  
  
Holding Jensen hurt on an emotional level. It made Jared feel like he was doing something to help but it also slammed the fact that Jensen was broken in his face. He felt like he was suffocating in that fact and a flight mechanism kicked in. He’d been like this before but those times he had Megan’s help to give him an out, an okay to admit that he couldn’t handle things sometimes.  
  
Midnight was not the time for that.  
  
Slowly, he pulled out of Jensen’s hold and made his way to the bathroom, hoping to find some comfort in losing himself to the warm shower spray.  
  
He missed Jensen. He missed touching him and the pleasure they both got from where those touches led. Closing his eyes, he remembered the way Jensen’s fist or mouth felt when wrapped around his dick. Keeping that image, he bowed his head and let the shower soak him while he reached a shaky hand below his belly and touched himself.  
  
He wasn’t proud of the act but Jared built up a fast pace, stripping his dick roughly and letting out moans of Jensen’s name.  
  
It was over fast, and was as dirty as Jared felt. His orgasm ripped from him with a choked cry and a stumble as he braced himself against the tiled wall while he came. There wasn’t much pleasure in it but the pressure release broke something in Jared and he let out a long, pained sob. The sob turned into several and Jared could barely catch his breath. Everything felt insurmountable.  
  
The noise of the shower drowned out his cries while the water washed away his tears like they’d never existed at all.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

“Jared, seriously, I can tell when you’re lying to me.” Sherri’s voice came though the receiver of Jared’s cell phone, the reprimand in her voice loud and clear.  
  
“No, seriously, mama, it’s not as bad as Megan is making it out to seem.” Jared plopped into a seat at his kitchen table, sighed and cradled his head with one hand while holding the phone with the other.  
  
“You’re right. I think it’s probably worse.” Sherri’s voice cracked. “I’m just worried about you two. You’re pregnant baby, you shouldn’t be dealing with normal stresses. Dealing with what you have on your plate? That is enough to stress even the mellowest person out. It can’t be good for you. Or the baby. And Jensen? I can’t even…” Her words dropped off, signifying just how much it pains her to think about her son-in-law’s struggles. “That poor baby…”  
  
Jared had no idea if his mother was talking about Jensen or Jensen’s daughter. Sherri started crying enough for him to decide that she was referring to both of them. “Mama, I…”  
  
“No. You need a break. You two need to figure a lot of things out. You’re due in less than five weeks and Jensen in nine. It’s just going to get harder. I wish I knew how to make it better. I wish this could be like it was when you were shorter than me and a bandage seemed to heal everything. But there ain’t no bandage big enough to heal this. Believe me, if there was, I’d spend anything to find it.”  
  
Listening to his mother cry set Jared off. He started crying himself. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been doing his fair share of crying on his own. He figured he might as well just let himself cry now rather than fight the inevitable. “How did I become this? I cry like…all the time. All the fucking time.”  
  
“You’re pregnant, sweetie. It’s okay. I shouldn’t be crying and making you all upset. I’m not helping very much at all, am I?”  
  
Jared covered his mouth with one hand but the cry still made it across to his mother’s ear. “I need help. Okay? I need help because I don’t know what the hell to do anymore and I feel like Jensen and I can’t be us because we are sitting in this house and looking at thinks that remind us of exactly who we used to be and it’s like a carrot dangling in front of Jensen’s face. It’s just out of his reach and its frustrating him. Hell, it’s frustrating me.”  
  
Sherri thought for a moment. “So go somewhere else.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You need a vacation from this life. I don’t mean a vacation vacation, but something where you can get away from this town where everyone knows what happened to you and you have to pretend to be holding it together. Go somewhere else for a week. Go to our cabin. Daddy can get it all set up for y’all so you don’t have to worry about a thing. He’ll even stock the ‘fridge with anything you want.” Sherri hummed, proud of her suggestion. “Go, baby. Please? You both need it. Just the two of you and nothing to remind you of where you think you’re supposed to be.”  
  
Jared rolled the idea around in his head. It was a good one. Jared had spent countless weeks at the cabin but he and Jensen had only made use of it once. There were no bad memories there, only good. He was out of options. If Sherri thought it would help, then Jared was willing to try anything. It sure as hell couldn’t hurt the situation. “Okay…yeah. Okay.” He couldn’t say no. It was, as of that moment, the only trick he had up his sleeves and if it didn’t work he didn’t think he’d be able to hang on much longer.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Even after only one hour, the cabin turned out to be the best idea Jared’s mother had ever had.  
  
The small structure was set back enough from the urban world that the sounds of anything but the wildlife surrounding them were non-existent.  
  
Immediately, Jensen’s defenses were lowered. There were no sounds to startle him and no constant need to stare out windows or be on watch for an invisible enemy.  
  
It was just them…and apparently their son who wanted to kick Jared repeatedly. It wasn’t the baby’s fault; it was Jared’s. There was so much nervous energy and anxiety building in Jared; it was a wonder he didn’t go into labor yesterday.  
  
Jensen was busying himself inspecting the cabin, no doubt looking for some sense of security he needed before being able to relax as much as he was capable. Jared took the opportunity to survey the food situation. Pulling open the refrigerator, Jared saw that his mother hadn’t been lying. His father had stocked the cabin with more than enough food for the two of them. On the middle shelf was a handwritten note taped to a gallon of milk. Tearing it off, Jared saw it was from his father:  
  
Jared, take care of all four of you. Call me if you need anything. – Dad  
  
Folding it up, Jared put it in his pocket with a small smile. It wasn’t that Gerry had been unsupportive of their situation, but he’d had a hard time figuring out a helpful way to express his support. The note said a lot more than was actually written. Closing the refrigerator’s door, he pulled open the freezer and came face to face with pints of ice cream, more pints than two people should ever require in a week. Shifting his weight to his hip, he contemplated ignoring that fact and pulling out some chicken breasts to throw on the grill for dinner. Instead, he scooped up two pints, both Jensen’s favorites and dug out two spoons from the utensil drawer.  
  
“Jare?” Jensen’s voice came from outside, easily floating through the open window over the kitchen sink.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Come outside. There is a stream back here. I thought it might feel good to dip our feet in it.” Jensen smiled at Jared through the window, sunlight making its way through the trees enough so that Jensen’s eyes matched the leaves.  
  
“Okay.” Taking the ice cream with him, Jared pushed through the back door, careful not to slam it behind him and ruin the perfect smile on his husband’s face.  
  
Eyeing the deserts in Jared’s hand’s, Jensen cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”  
  
“Dinner. Here.” Dropping one pint of double chocolate chip ice cream into Jensen’s hands, Jared smiled and dug into his own cookie dough pint.  
  
Raising his eyebrow even further, Jensen let out a laugh. “Wow, you went all out.” It wasn’t a complaint. Instead of opening his own container, he snuck a spoonful of Jared’s flavor and licked the spoon clean.  
  
Jared playfully jabbed at Jensen’s spoon with his own. “Hey, we’re adults. We’re on a mini-vacation. We can have ice cream for dinner if we want to. And right now? Right now I really want to.” Jensen stole another spoonful of ice cream and Jared melted at the sight of Jensen’s face as his husband closed his eyes and savored the sweetness. “You want to go sit by the stream?”  
  
“Yeah, I thought…I mean…if you don’t want to it’s okay…” Jensen tripped over his words.  
  
“No, it sounds good. Come on.” Jared knew the way. He’d played in the stream countless times when he was younger. It was a short walk until they landed in the lush grass growing beside the quickly flowing water that cut through the back of the Padalecki’s property. “Um, Jen…I am fairly certain I can get down on the ground so we can wet our feet but I don’t think I’ll be able to get up again.”  
  
Jensen screwed his face up in thought before shrugging. “Me either…but we’ll figure something out.” He toed off his shoes and after an awkward ducking motion he landed with a thud on his rear while looking up at Jared. “Get down here.”  
  
Shrugging, Jared gave in. He removed his own shoes and got down onto his knees so he could shuffle closer to Jensen and sit beside him at the water’s edge. Their feet brushed up against each other and they shivered the moment the cool water met with their swollen feet.  
  
“God, it’s cold!” Jared rubbed his feet together and went to pull them back.  
  
“Feels good though. My feet are killing me.” Nudging Jared’s feet with his own, Jensen trapped his husband and kept both pairs of feet under the water. They laughed and everything felt simpler. He looked at Jared, wanting to say so much more but what came out was, “this is nice.”  
  
“Yeah…It’s nice.” Biting his lip, Jared fidgeted beside Jensen. An “oof” of surprise when Jensen took all decision making out of his hands and pulled him flush against Jensen’s side. “Jen?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Jare. I’m sorry that I make it hard to touch me or that you even have to second guess doing so. But I hope you know I want you to touch me. I want so much more than that. I want it all the time but it’s hard…and…those types of touches? They are kind of polluted in my brain. They come with very bad things even though I know they used to come with very good things in the past. And I don’t want to see him when you’re touching me. You don’t deserve that. I don’t want to think of him when it’s your name on my lips. I can’t. You two need to stay separate or he’s ruined me entirely.”  
  
Sighing, Jared blew a breath of air at his forehead, sending a flutter of hair out of the way. “I know. And I know it is going to take a long time. But I miss touching you without second guessing myself. I miss doing things I want to do, like kissing you. I really want to kiss you. I miss that feeling I get when we kiss. You know the one? The one where no one else exists but you and I?”  
  
Jensen knew exactly what Jared was talking about. He wanted that feeling too. He hoped that maybe he could kiss Jared and the force would be strong enough to push out the demons in his brain. Leaning forward, he locked eyes with Jared for a moment before gently kissing Jared’s lips until his husband’s mouth parted and Jensen could kiss him more deeply. Despite the awkwardness of it, Jensen kept his eyes open and locked on Jared. The visual forced him to keep the fact that he was kissing Jared front and center in his mind. Eventually, the kiss deepened to the point where Jared’s tongue coaxed Jensen’s inside of the younger man’s mouth, licking away tastes of the ice cream they’d shared. When Jared moaned and the sensation vibrated through Jensen he felt safe enough to close his eyes and give up his last defense. Jared fell against him, hands groping for support and connection while Jensen kissed the air out of him.  
  
Pulling out of the kiss with slow, tapered gestures, Jensen knocked their heads together. “You mean that feeling?”  
  
“Oh, god, Jensen…yes.” Sucking his lips in, Jared nodded vigorously. He wiped at his eyes with the heels of his hands.  
  
Letting out a sigh of relief, Jensen put his hands flat on the grass behind him and leaned back. “Good.” He’d been scared that maybe that feeling wasn’t there anymore but the proof that it’d had just been caged up like Jensen had been took a weight off his shoulders. “Ugh!” Flinching, Jensen looked down at his belly as he tried to stretch back further and alleviate the tension in his middle. The baby inside of him rolled, scraped against his ribs and prompted an unsettling feeling to spread through Jensen’s body.  
  
“You okay?”  
  
Jensen growled while nodding. “It’s just uncomfortable. She’s pressing on everything.”  
  
“I know the feeling.” Jared gave a side smirk and coasted a hand over Jensen’s middle. The skin was tight and firm, making it easy for Jared to feel the seemingly unhappy baby move about. “Woah, she’s a kick boxer.”  
  
“Or I’m a punching bag.” Grumbling, Jensen arched back further, serving to both push his middle into Jared’s palm and shift enough so that the baby wasn’t in such an uncomfortable position. Snorting and looking down, he watched Jared stare at his stomach while he gently massaged the curve. It took a few minutes but after Jared’s unceasing attention, the baby stopped shifting so vigorously and slowed down. “I think she likes when you do that.”  
  
“Does she?” Looking up with a smile, Jared’s heart warmed. He wasn’t going to put too much into Jensen’s statement other than it was pure fact. He wasn’t going to romanticize it but it felt good that in some small way he was impacting Jensen’s daughter.  
  
“Yeah. She does. She likes you.” Jensen shrugged. “You’re so much better at this, Jared.” There was a sadness to his words but he’d never expected anything different. He’d always known Jared would be good at this. He was in tune with so many things that Jensen wasn’t.  
  
This was a conversation Jared didn’t want to have. There was no way of it ending it well. It could only end in an argument would solve nothing because it didn’t matter how things played out. No one was at their best, considering the situation they were given. Jared, however, knew they were doing the best they could. “Your son…he likes you too. You know that, right? He hears you.”  
  
“God, I hope not. He’s heard some fucked up shit if that’s the case.” Jensen rested a palm on Jared’s baby bump. “You seem to know a lot about what he thinks. You still think he likes his name?”  
  
“Jason? Yeah, I think he likes it. It’s simple and I think we all need a little bit of that in our lives. He’s no exception to that.” Jared moved to pick up his ice cream but his hand came in contact with something distinctly animate. His head flicked to the left and saw a snake slithering over his fingers. By all means, the snake wasn’t large and Jared knew it was a harmless garter snake, one of many that populated the landscape. Still, it was a snake.  
  
Jared hated snakes.  
  
For all his schooling, logic and intelligence, snakes made him do nothing short of ‘freak the fuck out’. “Jen!” Jared screamed, clutching onto his husband and trying to shimmy away from the snake but his hand had suddenly become a lead weight and he was incapable of moving it or the snake resting on top of it. “Snake! Jen, Jen, Jen! Snake!”  
  
Hearing Jared scream set off alarms in Jensen’s head but the word “snake” is hot on its heels and things set into motion on their own accord. Jensen leaned across his husband, snatched the snake by behind its head and relocated it in one gentle toss across the stream. “You okay.”  
  
He’s aware of how silly his reaction probably was, but Jared’s heart was still in his chest and he couldn’t find the energy to care about how stupid his fear was. His hand unclenches enough from its vice grip of a hold on Jensen’s collar. “That thing scared the shit out of me.”  
  
“Clearly.” Pushing Jared’s hair out of his face, Jensen ran a hand down the side of his husband’s face. “Don’t worry, Jay. The big, bad, 18 inch long snake is gone. He can’t hurt you anymore.”  
  
“Shut up.” Crossing his arms over his chest, Jared snorted. “You know I hate snakes.”  
  
“I know.” Jensen smiled. “But I saved you.”  
  
“Yeah, you saved me.” The words sunk in and Jared gasped. “Jensen! You. Saved. Me.”  
  
It was a garter snake and it was harmless, but to Jared, it was terrifying. Jensen had, without consciously thinking about it, done what he’d always done. He protected Jared from the things that scared him. To everyone else on earth, the last minute was inconsequential. To Jensen, it helped him feel a fraction more like a contributing partner in their marriage.  
  
They didn’t say anything, not that they could anyway, because Jensen’s lips were up against Jared’s so quickly that only a squeak from Jared could escape.  
  
Jensen knew he’d always save Jared.  
  
If only every problem was as easy solved as a wayward garter snake.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)

Three days later, Jensen has Jared pressed with his back flat against the headboard of a bed they’d been sharing in the cabin.  
  
His tongue was fucking into Jared’s mouth, enticing moans and pants out between sweeps of his tongue. It had been a slow build to this moment but now Jensen couldn’t imagine why he had been so afraid to let Jared in like this.  
  
Jared’s touches came with every ounce of love and devotion they had for each other. His kisses were needy and the level of want coursing through them was so genuine that it made Jensen’s head go fuzzy. It made Jensen feel okay to want this again. It made all the disgusting parts of his past year fade away enough for him to feel his dick twitch to life against Jared’s thigh.  
  
Both being in advanced stages of pregnancy, it was an odd line up but their hands explored each other’s body as best as they could.  
  
“Jared?” Jensen pulled away and looked at his husband. Jared’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes were hooded. He looked happy and love drunk, silly smile curving at the corners of his lips. They were both nude after hours of getting comfortable with that fact and exploring parts of each other’s changing bodies in ways they never had before.  
  
Jared ran a thumb over Jensen’s lips. “Hmm?”  
  
“I want you to touch me. Okay? I’m not going to pull away or freak out. I want it. But I need you to go slow, and stop if I tell you to. But I need you to make me feel something good again. Replace all the other stuff.”  
  
“I won’t hurt you Jen. I promise. It’s just me.”  
  
“I know. That’s why I want it. But…slow. Okay?” Jensen pulled out the tube of lube he’d placed under his pillow earlier, when he decided to bite the bullet and go for a higher level of intimacy. He dropped it in Jared’s hand, nodding as he spoke. “Make it different. Make it different than him…tugging…hurting…” Jensen’s voice cracked as his eyes widened.  
  
“Shh. Don’t talk about that.” Jared kissed him on the corner of his mouth, then trailed up to pepper kisses on the scar lingering near Jensen’s eye. “I’ll do what you want. Only what you tell me to do. Okay? We don’t have to do anything more than a few touches.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
In a moment, Jared had the lube open and squirted a dollop into his palm but did little more. He hesitated, keeping his eyes locked with Jensen and his hand held in wait.  
  
“Touch me, Jay.” Taking a deep breath, Jensen watched his husband’s hand close around his semi-hard arousal. He tensed, nervous and flashing back to the last time someone held his length so solidly.  
  
“Hey, Jensen, look at me. It’s me.” Jared put one hand over Jensen’s heart while stilling the one circling Jensen’s dick. “I can stop if you want me to.”  
  
Jensen looked down at the hand Jared had on his chest, licked his lips and shook his head. “No. Don’t stop.”  
  
“Okay.” Jared tightened his fist, stroked it down slowly before rising up to repeat the action. He felt the familiar ridges of Jensen’s cock on his palm, worked them the way he’d always gotten the biggest response out of Jensen but did so in slow motion. He felt a shiver travel through Jensen’s body, a tensing pulling away motion that spoke of fear rather than pleasure. “Hey, Jensen, look at me.”  
  
Jensen did. He locked eyes with his husband and pushed away everything making him want to bolt and pull away. “Don’t stop, Jay. It’s okay. I want it. Keep going.”  
  
In was a slow process but they kept up their eye contact as Jared’s fist move quicker, twisting every now and then and his thumb running along the edge over the crown and over the slit in the middle. There was a drop of pre-come building there and the devious smirk it plastered on Jared’s face made Jensen crash their lips together. “Don’t stop, Jay. God, don’t…it’s good…faster, okay?” Jensen’s breath hitched and he moaned into Jared’s lips.  
  
Jared listened. He moved faster, fingers working to change Jensen’s fearful shivers into ones of pleasure. “Jensen, you’re so beautiful. So strong.” Jared kissed up Jensen’s jaw. “Do you realize that? You’re so strong and amazing.” Jared paused long enough to hear a whine escape Jensen’s mouth when he twisted his wrist in just the right way. “What do you want Jensen?”  
  
Everything burst out of Jensen in a loud shout, like holding it in any longer will make him combust from the intensity of it all. “You! I want you, Jared. Don’t stop. Don’t…don’t…” The words trail off and Jensen couldn’t do anything but buck his hips into Jared’s hand and try to feel instead of think. There were things in the corners of his mind that were holding him back. No matter how good Jared’s hand felt, he couldn’t escape them. He felt like he was on the edge of something but on too short of a leash to let himself tip over. It was there. It was close but the frustration building up from its unattainability was ripping him in two directions. “Jay, I need more…” He needed to drown in Jared and he pulled the younger man to him and lost himself to a hectic kiss. Their teeth clashed and somewhere along the line his hand found Jared’s dick, hard and straining already from the night’s events.  
  
Jared swooned the minute Jensen’s fist picked up on a quick pumping of his length. There was no warning, making the satisfying gentle pressure around his dick all the more of a surprise. He hadn’t been looking for a reciprocated action but now that it hit him his hand’s once smooth movements became jerky and uncoordinated until he figured out how to balance pleasuring Jensen and finding pleasure himself.  
  
There was loud breathing and sweaty slaps of skin but both men fought to make the other lose control with each pump of their fists and lick inside each other’s mouth. The physical attention was a long time coming and neither man had the strength enough to avoid a quick and messy conclusion.  
  
“Fuck, Jensen. You’re going to make me come. Please, baby. Please, do it.” Jared shivered, balls drawing tighter.  
  
It was everything Jensen needed to hear to catapult him over the last hurdle keeping him from giving himself completely to his first consensual sexual act in 31 weeks. He must have made a weird noise because Jared stilled his fist: the wrong action at the wrong time. Jensen needed him to keep going. He was so fucking close he was shaking. “Do it, Jay. Make me come. I need you to.”  
  
It wasn’t the first time Jared’s felt anger in the fact that someone else had touched Jensen but it was stronger in that moment than it had ever been before. Jared should have never had to hear Jensen distinguish that he needed his husband to make him come. There should never be any other option. It was an answer that didn’t need to be spoken. But it was out there and Jensen needed it. With an open mouthed, panting for air kiss, Jared set a swift pace with his fist, pulling out all the tricks in the book. He almost blacked out, almost came himself but then Jensen was yelling in his ear. He was shivering and shouting every curse he’d ever heard mixed with a million terms of endearment towards Jared. There was a hot splash against Jared’s hand and he knew he’d successfully pushed Jensen into orgasm territory.  
  
Jensen yelled again, groaning so dirtily that Jared’s insides tensed up just thinking about the more delicious noises Jensen made when he was fucking into and coming inside Jared. Panting, Jared pictured just that as he came from Jensen’s unrelenting fist stripping him more wildly.  
  
Jensen was cognizant enough to watch Jared come. He saw how much Jared wanted every stroke of his fist and Jared’s orgasm sealed that fact in his mind.  
  
They both didn’t come back to earth for a while but when they did, they were covered in come and sweat and sharing the same air like they always did. They’re hot and dirty but there was no way in the world Jensen was letting Jared go now that he’d found his way back to him.  
  
“I love you.” Kissing Jared’s sweaty temple, Jensen felt more like himself now, even with his large baby belly, than he had in a long time. The baby inside of him was quiet, making it easier for him to truly turn all his focus on his husband who deserved a hell of a lot of attention if he was ever going to make up for the damage the distance between them had caused.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen woke with a start in the middle of the night. His body tried to propel him forward into a sitting position but his gravid middle and the fact that something was pinning him down made him jolt forward slight before flopping down to the mattress.  
  
The nightmare had been so real, like it always was, and he was still seeing through those lenses when he noticed a weight on his shoulder. His mind reeled back until it came up with the realization that Jared’s head was resting there while he slept. Jared’s arm was the thing pinning him down as it lay thrown across Jensen’s chest. Jensen’s brain knew it was Jared but his eyes weren’t seeing that for a moment.  
  
The jolting and the strangled breath he let out woke Jared, his eyes immediately popping open and searching worriedly over Jensen’s form.  
  
Jensen took a deep calculated breath, letting it out with enough self control to seem like he was holding it all together. Curling his hand around Jared’s he relaxed into the position they’d originally drifted off to sleep in. “I’m okay, Jare. It was just a nightmare. I know it wasn’t real.”  
  
Jared moved his head lower so that is came to rest on Jensen’s chest, his husband’s wildly beating heart drumming loudly in his ear. “Okay, baby. As long as you know.”  
  
They were leaving tomorrow and the past week had been filled with so many steps forward that a handful of steps backward wasn’t going to dampen what they’d achieved. Still, it saddened Jared to see Jensen wake with such fear I his eyes. Jensen had, for the most part, been better about the touching and allowing himself to find a safe form of sexual release with Jared’s hand on him. He’d faltered once the other day and backpedaled from the edge of an orgasm when Jared bit his shoulder and mixed a small helping of pain in with the pleasure. It startled Jensen enough to tense up and pull out of the moment but it taught Jared that they still had a long way to go.  
  
Jensen had made up for it by kissing Jared until they feel asleep, feeling safe enough to let unconsciousness take him while his guard was down and Jared held onto him.  
  
Waking from a nightmare, however, made all the defenses click back into place. Jensen’s muscles stiffened but Jared worked them through it until he let out a sigh and felt like he had a fighting chance of falling asleep again.  
  
The baby inside of him had been mellower lately, like she was learning how to stop some sort of nervous energy as well. Jensen supposed that she was just as out of place in this life as he was. Jensen didn’t know how to fit into his world anymore without getting snagged on a few roadblocks but the baby didn’t have a place at all. She didn’t fit into anything. The realization was sad but Jensen couldn’t deny its truth. She wasn’t anything and she didn’t belong anywhere. She wasn’t his daughter; instead, he simply referred to her as ‘the baby’. The sense of detachment was palpable.  
  
Over the last week, Jared and Jensen had worked on not worrying about fitting into a mold of who they always were. They worked on being their current selves. Maybe it was having an effect on the baby Jensen was carrying as well.  
  
If Jared wasn’t already drifting off to sleep, Jensen would have discussed the idea with him. He wondered if his son was happy. He figured he probably was, given the fact that Jared’s complaints had been noticeably few and far between lately.  
  
Jared’s belly was fitted into the curve of Jensen’s hip and he realized that in four weeks, when their son was born, he’d have to handle a whole new world of stress. Worry over that fact obliterated any thought he’d had of being able to fall asleep again.

 

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177150853/)


	2. Part 2

Walking into their house after time away was more refreshing than Jensen thought it would be.  
  
The immediate comfort that always came with the idea of home was there, stronger than it had been when Jensen returned from the hospital.  
  
A huge, hand written sign was posted directly opposite their door. Making a noise of interest, Jensen’s line of vision followed the sign’s arrow. It pointed towards their stairwell, where another arrow was posted on the floor. He gave Jared a curious look and held his palms up in wait for an explanation.  
  
“Hey, don’t look at me. I have no idea.” Jared shook his head.  
  
Following the arrow, Jensen climbed the stairs, Jared following slowly behind him. There was another arrow on the floor once he reached the top. It directed him towards the closed door of the room he and Jared planned on turning into their son’s nursery. On the door, a poster topped with a loopy bow read “Open Me.” Lowering his eyebrows, Jensen gave Jared another inquisitive glance before pushing the door open. “Woah.”  
  
In short, he was speechless. When they’d left on their trip, the room had been relatively empty, save for a few boxes they hadn’t moved into storage. Now, however, the room was practically exploding out into the hallway.  
  
There were fish everywhere. Their likeness was painted on the walls, hanging from a mobile, stuck on the knobs of a dresser he and Jared hadn’t purchased. There was a rocking chair in the corner of the room with a plush cushioned back and a giant fish stuffed animal saving someone’s seat. In addition to the dresser, there was a crib against the left wall outfitted in matching fish sheets and quilted plush things that Jensen had no name for. Over the crib someone had stenciled the name Jason onto the wall. The changing table that sat opposite the crib had a blue changing table and a caddy of too many tubes and bottles of baby products.  
  
Jared almost bumped into his husband when he froze as soon as he caught sight of the room. Looking over Jensen’s shoulder, he gasped. “Oh my god.” A million emotions ran though him and he brought his hand to his mouth.  
  
“I know.” Jensen took a step inside and tested one of the dresser drawers, pulling it out and exposing neatly laundered and folded newborn clothing. They screamed “boy” and Jensen couldn’t help himself when he picked one up and held the tiny garment out for examination. There was no way it was safe enough for him to be in charge of something so small. “Jare, all of this…” His words tapered off when he picked up a card sitting on the dresser. Opening it, he discovered a simple note containing a five word sentence: We love all of you. It was signed by the members of both the Ackles and Padalecki family with Casey’s and Kris’ name tying up the list. Jensen bit his lip and took in the magnitude of how generous his family and friend’s gift was. Jason would want for nothing.  
  
Jared felt the tremor start in his body but closed his eyes as he tried to hold himself together. There was so much stuff in the room. Stuff that showed how much people cared for nor only Jason but for Jared and Jensen as well. It was too much. Their son was set for the first few months of his life. He had everything, complete with loving extended family. His eyes fell on a gift basket of unmistakably genderless clothing and bibs. It was from his sister, he could tell from the handwriting on the small card that adorned it without even opening it.  
  
Staring at the basket, Jared lost it. He put both hands to his mouth, stifled a cry, and let his breathing go wonky. “Oh god.” Too many fears, worries and emotions hit him at the same time and he stepped backwards out of the room. Spinning on his heels, he rushed towards the bathroom, slammed the door while locking it behind him and fell against it. Within the false privacy of the bathroom, a choked sob left his mouth and tears blurred his vision. He wasn’t breathing right, practically hyperventilating and it made him feel woozy. Stumbling, he sat on the toilet lid, propping his elbows on his knees so he could cradle his head in his hands.  
  
There was the rapid jiggle of the door handle and then a knock as Jensen called for him. “Jared?”  
  
Jared opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out but a whimper.  
  
“Jay? Are you okay?”  
  
No. Jared wasn’t okay but he didn’t know how he could say that to Jensen. He had no idea how he could express the fact that while Jensen marveled in the fact that their son’s room had more than enough outfits to change his clothing twice a day, Jared got stuck on the fact that Jensen’s daughter got none of the recognition that Jason did. He, Megan and Jensen’s parents may have a secret coalition to stock up on girl products, but it was secret, like she was a shameful thing. It hurt in a way that took Jared by surprise. He hadn’t known what his and Jensen’s families were going to do to the baby’s nursery while they were gone. By all means, he thought that he should have been as over the moon happy about the nursery as Jensen was. And he was. But the room made it that much more apparent that something was missing.  
  
He felt selfish on Jason’s behalf for stealing all the new baby excitement.  
  
Shivering, he wasn’t okay. He couldn’t tell Jensen that. Instead, he told Jensen he needed a minute. He was overwhelmed. It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the full truth either.  
  
He cried into his palms and wished he could figure out a way to make Jensen understand why he was really crying.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Donna stared a Jensen over the cup of coffee she had clenched too tightly in her hands. She caught Jensen fixating in a crimson color of her nails with a perturbed expression on his face and sighed. Putting the mug down, she curled her fingernails into her palms and hid them from view. “Where’s Jared?”  
  
Shaking himself out of his daze, Jensen ran a hand over his face. “Sleeping. Or doing some version of it.” He sighed and looked at the ceiling. Jared had been off for a while now. Despite how many times his husband insisted he was fine, the lackluster shine to his eyes gave away the fact that he wasn’t. “I don’t know, mom. He just lies there sometimes.”  
  
“Pregnancy does that to people.”  
  
“Well, yeah, but it is more than that…I think.”  
  
Donna’s looked at her son with a tender expression in her eyes. “He’s dealing with a lot. I know you know that, but with Jason due any day now things are probably harder and more uncomfortable than they’ve been thus far. Add the other issues you’ve been dealing with to the list and I think Jared’s cooked right now.”  
  
“I know.” Letting out an exasperated sigh, Jensen let his hand fall to the table heavily enough to rattle Donna’s coffee cup. “I just wish things were different for a lot of reasons but mostly for Jared. This wasn’t how we planned the buildup to the birth of our firstborn. I mean, I’m getting better but I feel like it’s too little too late at this point. I’ve ruined a lot of things.”  
  
“Bite your tongue.” Donna whipped her head towards her son and stared at him with surprised eyes. “Never say you’ve ruined anything. You didn’t do any ruining. Considering the situation – ”  
  
“Yeah, considering the fucking situation! I’m so sick of the situation. People call it that like it is an excuse for me to act like an incompetent husband and unstable excuse for a man. I just…you know…I kind of wish it was like my nightmares. Like I can wake up from this and find out it was all some fucked up dream and I’m whole again.”  
  
“But it’s not. And you can’t.” Alan’s voice came from around the corner as he made his way back from the downstairs bathroom. “So what if you’re not whole right now? I think you’re entitled to be that way. How does that make you less of a man? Because…” Alan’s voice broke momentarily but he composed himself quickly and carried on. “The things I’ve seen you overcome make you nothing short of awe inspiring. You’re more of a man than I’ll ever be. So I don’t want to hear any of that bullshit. You’re my son and I’m proud of you and I’m not going to listen to you spew your false version of reality.” Taking a seat next to his wife, he huffed to signal an end to discussion of the topic.  
  
Jensen knew not to defy his father on certain things. He wouldn’t win and they would only grow angry enough that they’d avoid each other for an extended period of time. Losing more people in his life was not going to help anyone. “Okay.”  
  
The heavy silence that fell between them was unlike any they’d felt prior to this year. It was tense and awkward, blanketing their usual comfortable family bonds with an air of hesitance and uncertainty.  
  
A question hung in Donna’s mouth for a moment before she actually got it out. “When did Jared start acting like this?”  
  
“A few weeks back but it got worse yesterday.” Running a hand thought his hair, Jensen scratched at the base of his neck and shook his head.  
  
“What was yesterday?”  
  
“He came with me to meet with the adoption consultant. He seemed okay but he almost fell out of his chair when I made it clear I wanted a closed adoption.”  
  
Donna nearly spit out her coffee. “You what?”  
  
Throwing his mother a puzzled look, Jensen couldn’t figure out why his mother would react so strongly to his previous statement. “I told the agency that I definitely don’t want an open adoption. Someone can adopt this baby and give her a good life. They’ll love her. I don’t need to know about it. She’d be their kid, not mine. Why complicate the situation?”  
  
Both Alan and Donna sighed in unison and shared the same thought through locked eyes. Turning towards Jensen, Donna grabbed her son’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s just that…” Her voice was whisper quite and shaky with the emotions packed into it. “She’s my granddaughter. Don’t write her off too hastily.”  
  
“Mom…she’s not. I mean…biologically, okay, yes. Then you’re right. But she’s not your grandchild. Jason is. This baby? She’s a mistake. She’s not mine and she definitely isn’t yours. I’m adopting her out so she can have a good family and two parents who love her and maybe even grandparents.” Jensen’s voice wavered. He’d been over his decision countless times in his head; it made no sense why it always set him over the edge. Thinking about it for too long made his brain cloudy and everything felt like too much for him.  
  
Donna let out a shocked cry at Jensen’s reaction and brought a clenched fist to her lips. “Jen…”  
  
Wrapping and arm around his wife, Alan lowered a pleading gaze to Jensen. “She’d still be our granddaughter, even if she called someone else grandma and grandpa. You can’t change that.” He licked his lips and took a deep breath. “If you don’t wanna keep her, then let us raise her. We won’t ever have to tell her that you’re her father or how she was conceived. We’ll adopt her.”  
  
“Dad…” Jensen threw his father a cautionary glare.  
  
“No. Don’t ‘dad’ me.” Alan rose from the table and wrung his hands. “Don’t make another mistake after there have already been so many. Let us be a part of her life even if you don’t want to.”  
  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jensen stood up so that he was eye level with Alan. “Don’t tell me what to do like you know how I feel. Like you know what is going on in my head. It’s not your life. It’s mine.” Adrenaline coursed through his body and set him on edge. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing and he definitely couldn’t deal with the emotions needed to comprehend everything. His mother was crying and he knew that he’d done that. Anger bubbled to the surface, the emotion making itself a much easier one to latch onto that admitting that maybe adoption wasn’t the right choice. “You know what? Get out.” He pointed to the door with a trembling hand.  
  
“Jensen…” Donna’s voice cracked as she watched her son’s eyes grow wider and his body hurdle towards being overwhelmed.  
  
“Get out!”  
  
Alan put his hands up in surrender. “Okay. You win. We’re leaving.” He grabbed Donna’s arm and ushered her out of the kitchen. “Come on.”  
  
Jensen watched them leave and waited until the door slammed shut to fist his hair with both hands and tug in frustration. He needed people to think that he was capable of something. He needed people to have faith in him to do the right thing. That’s what he thought he was doing.  
  
It made no sense that everything felt so very wrong.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10176939794/)

There was a crash in the bathroom that sent Jensen’s nerves on edge. It was more than just the sudden sound that did it. He knew Jared was in the bathroom showering and his husband has been mostly miserable all day. The crash wasn’t a good sign. “Jare?”  
  
“Shit!” Jared’s voice was loud and it carried through the whole house. He stumbled as pain more intense than any he’d ever felt before closed in on him and made his knees weak. He pitched forward onto the counter and knocked off more of its contents, the ceramic toothbrush holder shattering into pieces. “Shit. Jensen!”  
  
Yanking open the door, Jensen found Jared with his eyes squeezed shut while making unsteady grunts of pain. “Jared? What’s going on?”  
  
“Baby.” Falling onto his forearms on the bathroom counter, Jared huffed out a lungful of air. The pain was severe and it had blindsided him, seemingly coming out of nowhere. He’d felt uncomfortable all day but that had been his usual for weeks. The pain was new. Now that it was present, it was strong enough to white out his vision and knock the air out of his lungs. “Baby. Now. Oh god.” He groaned and slid to his knees, landing on all fours and trying to get enough air. He felt like his middle was in a vice as a contraction ripped through him and forced a scream from his lips.  
  
Watching Jared under the onslaught of pain did terrible things to Jensen’s brain. He saw it happening, saw the way Jared’s face twisted in agony and his eyes welled with tears and his blood went cold. The screaming did Jensen in and things he’d buried deep in his brain flashed in his mind’s eye. “You’re – you’re in labor?”  
  
“Yeah – fuck – yeah, I think so.” Rocking forward, Jared tried to escape the pain but it kept coming, faster than he’d ever read or been warned about. “Something’s wrong….It’s…it’s just wrong. Ugh!” Sitting back on his heels, he wrapped both arms around his belly, now tight with muscle contractions. “Nnngh!”  
  
Jensen’s mind scrambled to find an answer as to what to do. He got down on the floor beside Jared and a cold sweat broke out over Jensen’s whole body. The sound’s coming out of his husband’s mouth weren’t good ones. They reminded Jensen far too much of the ones he’d screaming in hopes of someone coming to his rescue when he’d first gotten captured. Putting his hands on Jared, one fell to the tight swell constricting around his unborn son and he remembered that this pain was different. Reminding himself that this type of pain was necessary, he cupped Jared’s head in his hands. “What do I do, Jared?” He kicked himself for needing to ask but he felt completely lost in the waves of pain Jared was throwing off.  
  
A contraction tapered off enough so that Jared could think again. “Hospital.” Knowing Jensen couldn’t drive, he tried to come up with the quickest way to get them there. “Call Casey. He’s always around here. Call him. Make him come.” Jared tugged on Jensen’s arm. “Please, Jen.” Jared sobbed and pitched forward into Jensen’s arms.  
  
“Shh, hey, it’s okay. I’m going to get you there.” Jensen pressed a kiss into Jared’s damp hair and tightened his arms around him. It was an awkward attempt, considering both of their conditions, but after two ties, they got to their feet and Jensen helped his husband to sit on their bed.  
  
There was not a moment of hesitance as Jensen dialed Casey’s number. They hadn’t spoken in months but the severity of Jared’s situation negated any reluctance he had in reestablishing a connection. He punched in numbers he was still surprised he knew by heart and held his breath until the call was connected.  
  
“Jensen?”  
  
“Where are you?”  
  
“What? Where am I?” Casey scoffed in confusion. “What the fuck, Jensen?”  
  
“Where the hell are you?” The words were yelled but there was something to Jensen’s tone that spoke of urgency.  
  
“I’m halfway down your fucking street. What the hell’s going on?”  
  
“Jared’s in labor. It’s…it’s bad, Case. It’s….” Jensen’s voice hitched on an exhale of air, revealing the depth of his anxiety and fear.  
  
“Shit.” There was the sound of screeching tires in the background of the phone call as Casey swore again under his breath. “Relax, Jensen. He’s going to be okay. I’ll be there in two minutes. Unlock your door.”  
  
“Case…it’s…he’s…” Jensen couldn’t get anything out but he didn’t have to because Jared screamed loud enough to make the point for him.  
  
“He’s going to be okay. I’m coming.” There was another peeling out of tires. “Jensen?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Don’t freak out. Please? Don’t. I...fuck that…Jared needs you to hold it together right now. Can you at least try to do that?”  
  
Jensen wished he could answer with a yes but the more Jared screamed the more he felt himself losing all chances of keeping it together. Despite the fact that Casey couldn’t hear it, he nodded dumbly. Dropping the phone, he unlocked their front door, leaving it wide open while he went back to Jared.  
  
“Jay? Casey’s coming. He’ll be here any minute. Okay? Can we get you dressed?” Jensen ran a hand over Jared’s back and watched his husband bite his lip through a bout of pain and nod. It was slow going but he managed to help Jared into a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt.  
  
Jared didn’t take death lightly but at the current moment he felt like he was dying. There was no other explanation for why everything hurt so much. Jensen was there, actually holding most of his weight and he clung to him. Pain consumed him so deeply that for the first time in months he wasn’t able to care if he was putting too much pressure on Jensen to deal with a situation. “Call Megan. Please? She’ll call everyone else but I need you to call her.”  
  
Jensen did. It was the last thing he remembered doing before the flurry of activity that followed. Casey burst in, showing so much more capability in dealing with the situation. His partner wasn’t exceptionally large for a man; he was actually an inch shorter than Jensen and with a slightly slimmer build. Casey practically carried Jared to his patrol car, a job that should have fallen to Jensen had their lives gone the way they were supposed to. Jensen was frozen in place, watching Jared making pained snorts through his nose as Casey took to reassuring him and doing a much better job of it than Jensen could muster at the second.  
  
Casey shaking him left Jensen confused as to how his partner could have gotten from point A to point B so quickly. He realized he was blacking out. He was losing time at the more inopportune time in his life.  
  
“Jensen. Come on. We gotta go.” Casey pulled his arm but Jensen held his ground. “It’s going to be okay.”  
  
Those words had been said hundreds of time and never once did Jensen feel like anything was any closer to being okay but he had to trust them because without them he’d be completely useless. Nodding, he let Casey lead him to the patrol car and tuck him into the back seat beside Jared. Jared latched onto him immediately, sobbing into his shirt and writhing like the pain was crawling up his body.  
  
The ride to the hospital was quick. Casey had both the sirens and the lights going, making sure everyone and everything cleared out of their way. He stole Jensen’s role as Jared’s husband again when he helped shoulder Jared’s weight and got the laboring man inside the hospital.  
  
It wasn’t until they were checked in, Jared was screaming from a hospital bed, and Megan showed up, that Jensen realized what was actually happening.  
  
They were having a baby, he knew that, but mostly he was hit by the fact that he had to watch Jared have a baby. His stomach rolled with the thought. Seeing Jared shut down from pain overload hurt Jensen to the core. He knew he was shaking as he held onto Jared’s hand. “Jay, baby. I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t have to hurt. I wish I didn’t do this to you.”  
  
It takes everything in him to not become a hormonal mess and yell at Jensen. The irrational part of him wants to blame Jensen and tell him it is his fault but he holds it back. Through the pain, Jared’s heart finds the energy to break into twenty pieces. “I want this, Jen. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want and you’re not causing me pain. It’s not you. It’s nature. It’s not you.” His words trailed off and he held his breath to avoid screaming because he didn’t think Jensen would be able to handle it just now.  
  
Luckily, Dr. Brenner was on call when Jared is brought in and he was concerned enough by Jared’s symptoms to drop everything and give him a once over. Jared holds onto Jensen’s hand like a lifeline while the doctor swings his legs up into a pair of stirrups and figures out what is going on. Every fiber of Jared’s being knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it if something was wrong with the baby. It would break him. Megan was biting her nails down to the quick but she figured out a way to be a grounding force for her brother.  
  
Dr. Brenner worked quick, snapping on a pair of rubber gloves and examining Jared through a contraction. He hummed in thought before catching Jared’s attention. “How long has this been going on?”  
  
For once, Jensen felt like he could contribute. “About an hour. I found him like this in the bathroom.”  
  
Standing up, Dr. Brenner caught Jared’s attention. “And you felt nothing before then?”  
  
Jared took a deep breath though his nose and tried to exhale slowly though his mouth. “Nothing.”  
  
“Have the contractions been getting stronger or did they start off this intense?”  
  
“They were always this intense.” Moaning, Jared grabbed onto the bed’s railing and hissed. “And they fucking hurt.” He looked up at the doctor, fear making its way to the surface. “Why? What’s wrong? Is the baby okay?”  
  
“These monitors we have over here don’t lead me to believe anything is wrong with your baby.” The doctor tapped a readout sheet. “You’re son’s heart rate is a little erratic but he doesn’t like contractions as much as you don’t. He’s not the one I’m worried about right now. It seems you’ve gone into precipitous labor.”  
  
“Preci-wha?” Jared had no idea what that was but there was no way it couldn’t be bad because everything in his body hurt.  
  
“Precipitous labor. It means the contractions come on hard and they come on fast. They’re more intense than those experienced in a normal labor. A typical first time labor can last anywhere between 13 and 18 hours. Precipitous labors are less than 3. They’re fast and painful. After just checking you, you’re already dilated six centimeters. “  
  
The words made sense but were still surreal for Jared. He didn’t know why he was surprised. Nothing in the last year had gone according to plan, why should the birth of their son? He gave a scared look to Jensen, noting how scared his husband looked as well before pitching forward and gritting his teeth. There pressure in his middle was mind numbing but something snapped and gave way to a hot rush of fluid between his legs. A lungful of air burst from his mouth in a surprised gasp as his legs shook in the stirrups.  
  
“Easy.” Dr. Benner put a reassuring hand on Jared’s knee and resumed his position between his patient’s legs. Your water just broke.” He nodded while examining the fluid. “It looks good but things are going fast. If you are intending to get any type of pain relief, we’ve got to do it now because you’ll be too far gone for it to do any good if we wait.” He stood again so he could look eye to eye with the laboring man.  
  
“Yes. Hell, yes. Epidural. Please?” Jared grabbed onto his doctor’s sleeve and pleaded with every ounce of his being.  
  
“Okay. I’ll get the anesthesiologist up here and put a rush on it. But it’s going to go fast from here on out. You’ll have a baby before the hours up. Who’s staying with you?”  
  
Jared turned to Jensen and sucked in his lips. “Jen, you’re good right? You can do this, right? Because I really need you. I don’t want to do this alone.”  
  
Nodding, Jensen let Jared squeeze his hand as hard as he needed. “I’m okay, Jare. Don’t worry about me. God, that’s the last thing you need to worry about. Worry about Jason. I’ll be right here. I’m scared out of my mind and seeing you in pain is like…it’s like…”  
  
Jared cut Jensen off before he voiced the fact and made it more real. “Don’t say it, Jen.” He snorted through a contraction and clamped down on Jensen’s hand.  
  
“Okay. I’m okay. You’re going to have our baby and you’re going to be great. Don’t worry about me.” Jensen kissed the knuckles of the hands he was holding.  
  
Turning back to the doctor with a nod, he pointed first to Jensen, then to Megan. “They’re staying. Right, Meg?”  
  
“Yeah. We’re good. We’ve got the easy job.” Megan smiled.  
  
“Okay, good.” Peeling off the rubber gloves and tossing them in the trash, Dr. Brenner made his way towards the room’s exit. “I’ll be right back and we’ll get the show on the road. Trust me, you’ll feel much better in a little while.”  
  
A little while turned out to be less than five minutes. The anesthesiologist joked about Dr. Brenner paying him off for such a speedy arrival but professionalism slid into place as he got Jared situated on his side and swabbed his spine with iodine and a local anesthetic in preparation of the needle he was going to use to administer the epidural.  
  
Jensen told himself he wasn’t going to look but Jared made an uncomfortable grunt and his eyes focused on what the anesthesiologist was doing. The moment he laid eyes on the needle the man was about to press into his husband’s spine, a flood gate opened in Jensen’s mine.  
  
Rational thought left him and all he could focus on where the countless times his rapist had shot him up with drugs and knocked him unconscious so he could violate him in the most vicious ways possible. He flashbacked to every instance he could remember, all of them rolling into one and sending an intense rush of adrenaline through him.  
  
“Don’t touch him!” Jensen swung out and swatted the anesthesiologist’s hands away and sent the needle clattering to the ground. Protective instinct kicked in and he needed to do anything possible to prevent Jared from becoming the victim Felix had made him into. Before the anesthesiologist had a chance to react, Jensen punched him clear across the face, sending the man stumbling backwards.  
  
“Jensen!” Megan screamed out and tried to get in the middle of the fight but Jensen shoved her aside and put himself between his husband and the man laying on the ground looking at Jensen like he was crazy.  
  
Jared had no idea what was going on. He heard a scuffle and the sound of security being called but he hadn’t seen what happened. He moved enough to see Jensen land another blow across the anesthesiologist’s jaw and heard the man calling for Jensen’s ejection from the hospital and an arrest.  
  
Someone grabbed Jensen, pulling him back wish more force than Jared thought necessary. He growled in frustration, vision going dark and mind stuck on the misinterpretation of the needles purpose in the whole ordeal.  
  
Dr. Brenner’s voice rang though the room. “Let him go.”  
  
“Are you fucking kidding me? He just went bat shit crazy. He’s insane.” The anesthesiologist got to his feet and stared incredulously at the obstetrician. “I want to file charges for that. He not only attacked me but he’s a danger to his own fucking husband.”  
  
“Mark, as a professional favor, I am asking you to step away from this. That man doesn’t need any more things mounted against him.” He clapped Mark on the shoulder and spoke quietly. “Please. Walk away.”  
  
Huffing, Mark tried to spit out words while glaring between Jensen and Dr. Brenner. “You fucking owe me, Stan.” He stormed out of the room in a huff, anger radiating in everyone’s direction.  
  
As soon as the man left, realization as to what he’d done dawned on Jensen. “Oh shit.” He wobbled on his feet. “Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” He stood there, chest visibly rising and falling as he struggled to breath. His world felt like it was closing in on him and he swore his brain physically hurt from the claustrophobia of it. Then a tear of pain ran though him and he let out a gruff gasp and held onto the wall for balance.  
  
“Jensen?” Dr. Brenner approached the man with an outreached peaceful hand.  
  
The pain in Jensen’s middle doubled and his eyes practically rolled back as all the stress, panic, anxiety, and fear crashed into him at once. With a hard crash, he fell to his knees, world going dim but in focus enough for him to recognize warm liquid dripping down his thighs. He had no idea what was happening to him as a panic attack took over and his brain gave up trying to come up with an answer. A pained cry left his mouth as he fell forward onto his hands and sobbed against the cold tile floor.  
  
Dr. Brenner was the first one to him, despite Jared’s pathetic attempt to get near his husband. Megan held him down, which was for the best because he crumpled under the strongest contraction yet and gasped at the searing pain between his legs. He screamed in pain and frustration while Megan pet his hair though it and tried to turn him away from having a visual on Jensen.  
  
“Nurse!” The doctor got to his knees and tried to get Jensen to focus on him. It was useless. He put his hands on Jensen’s pregnant middle, searching for something he knew he’d find before they moved lower and validated his original thought. “Nurse!” He screamed up towards the two nurses rushing into the room. “This man is suffering through a post traumatic stress episode but more importantly, he’s also in labor. You need to get a team on this, stat. I’m his consulting obstetrician, I’ll be there when I can. He’s going to fight you but he’s…well…he doesn’t know what he’s doing.”  
  
The nurses sprung into action, working together to get Jensen off the ground and onto a gurney with the help of a brand new team of medical professionals who’d been attracted to the chaos in the room.  
  
Jared couldn’t catch his breath. Everything hurt and the panic now forming because of what he’d just heard about Jensen made it hard for him to focus on oxygen. “Jen! Jensen!” He clenched his teeth and cried when he heard Jensen scream. It was worse than the nightmare scream he’d woken up to countless times. This one had real pain behind the fear.  
  
“Jared, shh…let them work. Okay? They are going to take care of him.” Megan hugged her brother to her chest. Her heart beat wildly and she had no idea what she was doing but she was the only one with some semblance of self-control and she tethered herself to that fact.  
  
“But Jensen…I can’t…he can’t…” Jared did his best to hide his pain and fight against his sister’s attempts to keep him in bed. “I need to go with him. He needs me.”  
  
“You’re not going anywhere.” Dr. Brenner glanced over his shoulder to see that Jensen’s situation was as under control as it was going to be at the moment. “Jared, I know you love him. I know you want to help. But you’re about twenty minutes away from having that baby.” He was cut off by Jared whimpering in pain and curling in on himself. “Maybe closer. I’ve gotta check. But your son’s close to going into distress and I need you to focus on that right now. You can help that. You can’t help Jensen until you do that. Okay?”  
  
“But…” Jared started panting as pressure increased in his hips and he felt like he was being split open. He stopped fighting then and let Dr. Brenner and Megan situates him on the bed. “Fuck, it burns.” He was conflicted with fighting against the intense desire to push or punching everyone telling him what to do.  
  
Spreading Jared’s legs, Dr. Brenner ran a gloved hand over his opening. “It’s because you’re close, Jared. You’re going to have to push soon.”  
  
Jared let out a cry, a fat tear falling down his cheek as he shook his head. “I don’t want to push! I want Jensen!” Slamming his head back against the pillow, he moaned when a contraction ripped through him and brought his son lower. He knew the doctor was telling the truth, he could feel himself opening up and stretching so that he could bring his child into the world. He hadn’t realized it starting but an uncontrollable shivering took over his body and he shook against the stirrups hold.  
  
“Jared.” Dr. Brenner snapped his fingers from his seat between Jared’s legs. “Jared. Look at me. I know it’s hard. Trust me, I do. But I need you to calm down and breath. Okay?”  
  
Megan ran a frantic line of vision between the doctor and her brother. “Jay, how about you try breathing right now. Jensen’s going to be okay but I wanna make sure my nephew is too. So can you breathe for me and try to calm down so we can work on getting him out?” She squawked when Jared grabbed her hand and squeezed hard enough to edge on breaking bones. He yanked on her arm and pulled her close enough to hear his voice, already made weak and rough from screaming.  
  
“Can you go to Jensen? Please? He doesn’t have anyone he knows and he trusts you. Please, Meg?” Jared managed to get out two decent breaths and look his sister in the eye. “Please make sure he’s okay and that someone can sit with him until I can be there for him.”  
  
Nodding, Megan clasped Jared’s hand between her own two. “Can you hang on without me for a little while?” She spoke to her brother but stared at the doctor for guidance.  
  
Already worn out from the emotional unjustness of the situation, Dr. Brenner sighed. “You’ve got ten minutes. Maybe fifteen, but he’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve sent for a new team of nurses to assist but with the recent situation we are running a bit short handed at the moment.”  
  
Standing up, Megan bit her lip out of nervousness and hesitating in letting Jared’s hand go. “I’ll be back. I promise.”  
  
“You better. I need you.” He tried to sound like he’d be okay till she returned but the contractions were right on top of each other and more intense than when they started. His words came out thought gritted teeth and he wondered how he landed himself in the hospital with no one to help him after he’d been so selfless for 40 weeks straight.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Megan’s feet skidded out from under her as she took off down the hallway and bumped into a wall on her way. She didn’t waste time asking where Jensen was, his screaming gave her a good enough idea.  
  
Following her ears and entering a room, she’s never been gladder Jared was out of the picture. Her brother-in-law was thrashing around on the bed so much that someone had the very unwise idea to restrain his legs, fueling the panic even more.  
  
“Don’t do that!” Megan’s shrill voice ran through the room and she pushed her way towards Jensen. “He’s…he’s got issues about not having control of his limbs. Trust me. You’re only going to make it worse.”  
  
An exasperated nurse rolled her eyes at Megan. “You’ve got any better ideas? Because we can’t help him if he keeps fighting us.”  
  
“Maybe.” Megan put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder. The minute he swung his gaze towards her, she could tell he wasn’t truly seeing her. He was trapped in some other plane of existence. “Jensen, hey, it’s me Megan. It’s okay. No one is going to try to hurt you here. But you have to stop fighting because I think you’re scaring people. If you stop, I’ll undo your ankle straps. Okay?”  
  
Jensen stared at her, pain in his middle making him plant both hands on his stomach and groan.  
  
Megan kept her eyes on him while fumbling with his leg restraints. She couldn’t make heads or tails of the latching mechanism and she spat a curse towards the nurses idly standing by. “Can someone fucking help me with these?” She tried again and huffed in frustration. “Please. I promise, he’s okay.” Her pleading must have worked because a nurse took pity on her and made quick work of undoing the restraints.  
  
Jensen visibly relaxed but his eyes were still wide and wild.  
  
“See, Jen? No one is forcing you to be here. But you really should let them help you. You’re going to have your baby. I know you don’t want to and it’s not going to be fun, but then it will be over and you’ll never have to do this again.” Megan’s words were spoken in a soft, soothing voice but they seemed to have the opposite effect on Jensen. He tensed and his breathing dissolved into rapid uneven pants. “Oh! No, no, no, Jensen! Please don’t freak out. It’s…god, Jensen, I don’t know what to do. Jared wanted me to take care of you but I don’t know what to do!”  
  
Hearing Jared’s name snapped Jensen out of it and the fear is replaced with the feeling that there was something he ought to be doing. He stares at the person in front of him and notices her presence for the first time. “Megan?”  
  
“Yeah, Jensen. It’s me.”  
  
“Where’s Jared?” Now that the flashbacks are at bay, memories flood Jensen’s brain. “Shit. Jared…I…he’s…what the fuck is going on with Jared?”  
  
“He’s having the baby, soon,” she looked at the clock on the wall, “really soon. But he wanted me to check on you – I wanted to check on you – to make sure you knew you weren’t alone. We all want to help you.”  
  
Jensen tried to push himself up and off the bed. The movement was so similar to what Jared just did moments ago that it broke Megan’s heart further. It was crystal clear that her brother-in-law and her brother never put themselves first, even when in the middle of labor.  
  
“Shit, Megan…I fucked up so many things already. I,” Jensen lost himself to the magnitude of what he’d just done in Jared’s hospital room. “I have to get out of here. I have to go show him I can be there for him.”  
  
Biting her lip, “Umm, Jensen…you can’t. You gotta stay here.”  
  
“Don’t tell me what to do Megan. I’ll be better this time. This time I’ll handle it.” Jensen groaned as pain knocked the air out of him. His middle contracted forcefully, leaving him to stare at it with confusion.  
  
“You’re in labor too. That’s why the hospital isn’t going to let you leave this room. You’re going to have your baby too.” Megan watched her words sink in and wasn’t sure what she was about to have to deal with. The muscles around Jensen’s eyes flickered back and forth between expressions of fear and pain while Megan braced herself for the worst.  
  
“This can’t be happening.”  
  
“I know. It sucks but it’s happening.” She tried to put a reassuring hand on Jensen’s shoulder but he pushed it away.  
  
“This can’t be happening!” His voice was loud and angry, startling everyone in the room. Some monitor went off and Jensen heart rate skyrocketed. “Fuck!” Everything in his middle hurt; the pain was different from rape but Jensen’s brain decided that they stem from the same force. It brought with it the unsettling feeling of nightmares and being trapped.  
  
Another nurse filtered in and Jensen went back to fighting them. This time, Megan was helpless and all she could do was stare wide-eyed as things spiraled out of her control. On edge with worry over what to do, Casey bursting into the room almost made her scream.  
  
Whether Casey showed up on his own accord or he’d gotten pulled along with security because he was still in his police uniform didn’t matter. He was there handling the chaos of the room far better than Megan ever could. He grabbed Megan by the shoulders and shook her once to get her to focus on him. “I’ve got this.”  
  
“What?” It was a stupid response. Megan knew exactly what Casey was talking about but she couldn’t believe it.  
  
“I’ve got this. Go back to your brother. I can handle Jensen.” Casey held Megan at arm’s length, determination setting his features.  
  
Megan glanced over her shoulder at her brother-in-law but swore that wasn’t who she was looking at. She finally understood what Jared meant when he said that whatever Felix did to Jensen left some other person inhabiting Jensen’s body sometimes. With a nod of appreciation, she touched Casey’s shoulder before pulling away. “His mom…is she here yet? I don’t know if…”  
  
“No one is here. It’s all happening so fast. I called people but no one’s here.” With a nod of his head, Casey made a gesture towards the door. “Go.”  
  
Biting her lip and hovering in hesitance, Megan looked at Jensen again before making a frustrated huff and tearing out of the room.  
  
Without anyone else to focus on, Jensen’s sight landed on Casey. He hadn’t calmed down enough; the nurses were keeping their distance, making Casey’s advance all the more apparent. The things he’d felt that caused him to avoid Casey for the last several months were all the more amplified by the panic in his body. “Get out, Case.”  
  
“Tough luck, Jensen. I’m staying.” Casey made his way to the edge of Jensen’s bed. Instinctively, his hand went to cover the butt of his gun. It was a protective move but the wrong one. In an instant he let both hands fall non-threateningly to his sides but it was too late because Jensen picked up on it.  
  
Jensen watched his friend put his defenses up and guilt tore him up inside. He was burning bridges with everyone in his life but Casey’s had been the worst. Burning that bridge actually involved thoughts of murder. He’d never shoot Casey. He knew that. But his brain didn’t work right anymore and he couldn’t trust himself. “I tried to kill you.”  
  
Casey shook his head and held his hands up in surrender. “No you didn’t. You pointed a gun at me. You never tried to do anything more than that.”  
  
“You don’t know…you don’t know that.” Jensen’s voice cracked and he didn’t remember when the transition from talking to crying happened but he was already there, crying with loud pained sobs.  
  
“Yeah I do. I’ve been working with you for years. I don’t give a shit if you pulled a gun on me. If it was what you needed to do to make the world realize how much you were hurting, then fine.”  
  
“Gah!” Jensen pitched forward and tucked his chin down. “Ugh!” He bit his knuckles and took strangled breaths as a contraction hit him. He looked at Casey and wanted to have his friend back because right now he could really use one. But the other part of him was mortified that he was knocked up and laboring in the middle of a panic attack and Casey was there to witness the whole shit show. It was uncomfortable to think about and he writhed in more than just pain. “Leave me alone, Casey.”  
  
Casey growled and grabbed Jensen’s hand. Instinctively, Jensen tightened the hold as his contraction worked its way through him. Still, he looked up at Casey with refusal to accept Casey’s help.  
  
“Enough, Jen.” Casey’s eyes locked with Jensen’s to convey the seriousness of his words. “Enough. You are my best friend and I swear to you I am still yours. Get over whatever your brain keeps telling you about our friendship because it’s wrong. I’m not going anywhere. You can’t make me. So stop complaining and let me help you.” He planted himself heavily into the seat beside Jensen and leaned forward to brace his elbow on the edge of Jensen’s bed for better leverage when Jensen used him for support.  
  
Jensen stared at Casey and found the courage to do what he wanted to do. He tightened his hold on Casey’s hand and panted awkwardly as pain crashed into him again. Squeezing his eyes shut, he moaned and brought his hand to the underside of his pregnant middle. “Okay.”  
  
Despite being surprised as to how quickly Jensen had given up fighting, Casey took to resuming their friendship like no time had passed between them. He hoped that Jensen would be able to see that they were still the same people; they still had a chance at the same friendship. Turning towards the left he noticed the medical staff pulling themselves together and doing what they were actually supposed to do.  
  
Jensen noticed too, tensing when one of the nurses asked him to get undressed so they could see what was going on. He’d barely gotten okay with Jared seeing him naked and being asked to have a whole new set of people in on that issue was overwhelming. A sharp contraction overrode his fears, making him not give a shit with being naked as long as someone could get this kid out of him.  
  
Casey barely flinched. He took to helping Jensen like a professional even though the moment was well out of the bounds of a usual male friendship. He kept up a stream of dialogue that worked well enough to distract Jensen but the minute a doctor spread his legs and put a gloved finger inside him he squeezed down hard enough on Casey’s hand that he probably broke a finger.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“Shh, you’re good. You’re a lot quieter than Kris was at this stage.”  
  
Almost on cue, Jensen screamed. The pain that ripped through him coupled with the doctor’s fingers probing inside him made Jensen feel too exposed and self-conscious. “Nngh!” Things hurt so much that he couldn’t figure out where each pain stemmed from and why it was happening. Another yell left his mouth and rang through the room. Coming back to himself as the pain ebbed, he flushed bright red when he realized how much of a train wreck he must look like. As a cop, Casey had seen him hold his cool in every situation but now his best friend was watching him cry like a baby and beg for the pain to stop. “If you tell anyone about this…I’ll kill you.” He hadn’t realized the words that left his mouth until he was faced with Casey giving him a curious look. All he wanted to get across was that he really didn’t need Casey telling all their coworkers about how dramatic he was being but his wording had another meaning when spoken between them. Shrugging, Jensen gave an apologetic smile. “What? Too soon?”  
  
Casey laughed. “Did you just make a joke?” He laughed again. “Oh thank god, Jensen. I thought…I just…well…that part of you…” Sentiment made him trip over his words. “I just missed that part of you, okay?”  
  
He wanted to say that he missed bantering with Casey too but Jensen didn’t. Instead he snorted and made some comment about Casey not turning into a girl right now because Jensen’s the one pushing a kid out; that’s enough. Casey got it, he always did. Their relationship was based on a lot more than surface snarkyness. Pain made him grunt and growl out, “motherfucker.” His body had experienced plenty of discomfort over the last few months but pain was usually isolated to his hand and aching skull fracture. Now that it was undeniably present as his body hurdled towards giving birth, it was too much of a shock. Once upon a time he handled pain well. Now it is almost like a sure invitation for a panic attack.  
  
Eyes trained on Jensen, Casey saw when their moment snapped from friendly to Jensen checking out. “Hey, Jen, breathe, okay? You’re fine. No one is hurting you. I’m here and I’m damn well not going to let anyone hurt you, even if they are all in your head. Do you understand that?”  
  
“Yeah, I do.” Jensen nodded slowly before grunting when a female doctor he didn’t remembered being introduced to, pulled her fingers out. “Gah!”  
  
“Sorry.” The woman stripped off her gloves and pulled a sheet over Jensen’s legs for more privacy. “You’re 100% effaced but only dilated 3 centimeters.” The concern in the way she delivered those facts put Jensen on edge.  
  
Jensen turned a cautionary eye on the woman. “And you are?”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry.” She held out a hand. “I’m Dr. Fern; I work at the same practice as Dr. Brenner. While he’s with your husband he asked me to check in on you. I introduced myself earlier but I don’t think you had a clue what was going on the first time. I didn’t mean to startle you.”  
  
Casey gave to doctor a nod of acknowledgement. “Everyone startles him. Don’t take it personally.” His comment earned him a snort from Jensen but little else in the form of disagreement.  
  
“So, I looked over some of your medical files and I’m a little concerned about a few things.” Shifting her weight, she put her hand on her hips. “How is the pain? You’re contractions are long and intense, much more so than the average ones experienced at your stage of dilation.”  
  
Jensen licked his lips. His labored breathing and weary eyes were enough of an answer but he tried to figure out how to word one anyway. “It hurts – a lot – not in the way I think my husband is hurting but it’s…I can think straight when the pain comes.”  
  
Humming in thought, Dr. Fern consulted Jensen’s file again. “Given your history, I’m hesitant to give you certain pain medications because…”  
  
“I know…because of my addiction. Got it.” Jensen had been mostly weaned off pain medication, faster than his body could accept due to the pregnancy, but Felix’s constant drugging had left a lingering effect. Things were in his system and he’d had to beg for the trace amounts of drugs they did give him for his healing injuries.  
  
“We could do an epidural if you start dilating a little more but…”  
  
“No!” Jensen shook his head. “No needles…just….no.”  
  
The calm tone of the doctor’s voice contrasted Jensen’s panicked one. “It’s not as scary as you may think. It’s just…”  
  
Casey put up a hand to stop the doctor. “It’s not that your information isn’t appreciated, but it’s not a matter of how safe it is. Jensen doesn’t do needles. He just doesn’t.” His words made it clear that the topic wasn’t up for discussion, especially not after how Jensen reacted to Jared’s botched attempt at an epidural.  
  
“Okay then…so…you look like you are in for a long ride then. Dr. Brenner couldn’t really catch me up to speed but I can get from your files and examining you that you have a fair amount of scar tissue built up and it’s probably what’s hindering you from dilating properly. You’re laboring pretty heavily but your body isn’t cooperating. It doesn’t mean you won’t, but it does mean you’re going to have a slow go at it.”  
  
Jensen wasn’t surprised that his body didn’t feel like cooperating. It was another thing to add to the list of ways he’d felt his body betrayed him. He wanted this over and he wanted her out. He meant to ask how long Dr. Fern thought he was looking at but that didn’t come out. “Is she okay?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
Being faced with repeating the statement that had originally came out of his mouth on its own, Jensen hesitated. Looking down at his middle, he averted the doctor’s gaze. “The baby. Is she okay.”  
  
“Oh! She’s a girl. I hadn’t realized.” Dr. Fern put up an apologetic hand. “She’s okay right now but she wasn’t when I first saw you. When you panic like that, she does too. So, I’d like to see no more of that.” Since Jensen was avoiding her eye contact, she looked at Casey. “I’m going to check in on a few other patients, maybe even see when Dr. Brenner thinks he can come check on you. It’s my pleasure to work with you but I know he’s nervous about other people handling your case. I can’t say I blame him, he’s a dedicated obstetrician. You hang in there and try to keep your stress level no higher than it is now.”  
  
She left, the room falling quiet aside from Jensen’s uneven panting and moans whenever a contraction hit him. In the silence, Jensen heard an unmistakable scream. His heart raced the moment he identified the scream as Jared’s.  
  
Even though he finally had his wits about him and knew what was happening, Jensen wanted to cry. The emotions bombarding his mind were enough to send him over the edge but hearing Jared scream and not being able to do anything about it was what did him in.  
  
He needed to get this baby out so he could go back to his husband. So he could go back to his life.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10176939794/)

Jared’s scream was loud and desperate, intensifying in sound by the time Megan ran breathlessly into the room. Her brother was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, hospital gown hanging awkwardly off his shoulder, as he pitched forward. His legs were spread wide and kept open by his feet’s placement in the stirrups, letting him grip the back of his legs as he cursed. It took all of two seconds to figure out that Jared was pushing.  
  
Dr. Brenner was seated between Jared’s legs and assisted by a lone nurse who was holding a sensor on the lower part of Jared’s exposed middle.  
  
“Jay!” Megan ran towards her brother. Hovering, a nervous energy ran through her while she tried to figure out her place in this equation.  
  
“Megan! Fuck!” Jared let out a low growl that ended on a pained whimper. He looked at his sister, his mind flashing with how very awkward the moment was. He was naked from the waist down, legs spread, and not much shielded anyone from the business end of things. “Oh fuck, burns!”  
  
“I know it burns. The baby is crowning, Jared. Come on, push now.” Dr. Brenner gives a confident nod to his patient before focusing on the growing sliver of head straining to be pushed free.  
  
Jared felt like he was being split in two. He groaned and pushed, an immediate burn of pain making the action overwhelming. He yelled though another push, fingers curling into his thighs so strongly that he already felt bruises. “Out!” He really wished he’d gotten the damn epidural he wanted because the precipitous labor kicked his ass and he was running on empty. “C-can’t…I can’t! I…I…I can’t do this.” His whole body was shaking from exhaustion.  
  
“Yes you can. You’re almost there. I know you’re tired but you have to push. Come on, Jared. Look at me.” Dr. Brenner waited until Jared looked him in the eye through a mess of sweaty hair. “Give me a solid push all the way down here.”  
  
Megan could tell Jared’s faltering. He’d rallied so many times over the last 40 weeks but she’s worried that this was one thing he couldn’t rise above.  
  
Scrunching up his features, Jared held his breath and pushed, lip curling as he tried to find the energy to keep going. Everything felt wrong. He didn’t expect this moment to be pretty but he thought he’d be kept bolstered by his husbands support. His hips ached and he wished Jensen was there to watch their child come into the world because it fucking hurt and he wished someone could appreciate it. “I want Jensen!”  
  
“Well, tough. You got me instead.” Megan took a more determined position beside her brother. They hadn’t meant to come off as harsh but Jared needed something to break through to him so he could focus delivering her nephew. “Come on, Jay. You can do this.”  
  
Jared struggled through a push but it didn’t feel right. His body wanted to do more but something was off.  
  
“Here. Let’s try this.” Dr. Brenner took Jared’s feet out of the stirrups and tilted his bed down more. “Were running low on hands here so…Megan, do you think you can cup his left heel and help support his leg up when he pushes? Allison,” he gestured to the only nurse in the room, “can help do the same with his right heel.”  
  
“Yeah, I…I can…” She moved so as to be in a better position for her new task. “Show me.”  
  
Dr. Brenner helped Megan get a hold on Jared’s heel and angled it up and open. “Hold it like that. You can move it up more when he pushes. It shouldn’t be long now, he head is almost here.”  
  
“Okay.” Megan’s heart quivered in her chest and she nodded rapidly enough to help nerves peek though the calm she was trying to put on. The importance of the moment destroyed any prior awkwardness in being a sibling and having such a hands on role in such an intimate moment.  
  
Jared was in a blur of pain; he didn’t care about Megan watching. Pressure built up and he gasped. “I gotta push. Oh shit! I gotta puuuuuuuuush.” His words were drawn out and morphed into a grunt as he gave into the feeling and pushed as hard as he could. With the new position, he felt something give and the head stretched him wide before receding.  
  
“That’s good!” Come on, again,” Dr. Brenner coached.  
  
The urge to bear down consumed Jared and wiped away any belief that he couldn’t do this. His body was going along with giving birth, whether Jared was on board or not, and pushing gave him more relief than fighting it. He pushed hard, yelped at the stretch and burn of the situation, and his vision flickered as he felt the baby’s whole head slide out and stick. “Oh shit!”  
  
“Woah!” Megan’s eyes went wide and she had to blink in order to focus enough to realize the slimy dark mass Jared just worked so hard to deliver was her nephew’s head. There was a rush of disgusting fluids that came with it and it looked painful but it surprised Megan that she stared at it in awe. “Oh my god, Jared. You got his head out! Oh my god!” She watched the baby’s head rotate into position for the rest of the birth, aided by Dr. Brenner, and had never been more proud of her brother. “He’s got lots of dark hair, Jared. Just like you.”  
  
Jared let his head fall back against the bed for a moment. He heard what his sister said and supposed he should be excited about that but it was getting hard to feel emotions. He panted irregularly while digging deep enough to find energy to push.  
  
“Okay, just a little more and you’re done.” Dr. Brenner supported the baby’s head. “Push when you’re ready.”  
  
Jared clamped his hand down on Megan’s forearm and locked eyes with her as he pushed. “Augh!”  
  
“Come on, Jay. You’ve got this. You’re almost there.” Megan smiled.  
  
Like the whole labor, Jason’s birth was quick. Two hours after the whole thing started, Jared gave a forceful push and his son slid into Dr. Brenner’s hand. Jared was relieved to feel the weight of his son leave his body and he flipped back onto the bed, utterly drained. His whole body was still shaking from his efforts and it took Megan calling his name for him to look up between his spread legs.  
  
“Here’s your little boy.” Dr. Brenner was holding a squalling infant up for Jared and Megan to see. The baby boy had his fists clenched tightly while his lungs made short wavering cries, each one stronger than the next as his lungs got used to breathing air.  
  
Jared loved him immediately. He knew he loved that baby more than anything else in his life. That wasn’t exactly why he started crying loudly the minute he saw him. He cried because his son had just come into the world and he felt just as alone as he felt the day he found out he was pregnant. Every one of his baby’s milestones had been between Jason and Jared. He cried because he was tired of being alone and tired of wishing Jensen was there. He cried because he felt so very guilty in thinking that he had a stronger bond with Jason than he did with his husband, despite how much he loved Jensen.  
  
Not understanding why Jared was falling to pieces, Megan put a hand on his shoulder. “Oh, Jared! Shh, he’s okay. He’s perfect.”  
  
Jared kept crying, whole body shaking with the aftermath of birth and emotions running wild. He was shaking so much that Dr. Brenner held off on placing Jason in Jared’s arms until the new father calmed down some. “I…he…” Jared choked on a sob and reached out towards his son. “Oh god, I love him so much,” he said like he was damning himself.  
  
The nurse put a hand on his shoulder. “Well let’s get him cleaned up and wait until you’ve calmed down enough so that you can hold him. I’m sure he loves you just as much.”  
  
Nodding dumbly, Jared wiped at his tears enough to see the reassuring smile the nurse was giving him. He watched Dr. Brenner lay Jason on his lap and clear out his airways.  
  
“Does the aunt want to cut the cord?” He said, turning towards Megan.  
  
“Yeah, I...yeah.” Megan squeezed Jared’s hand before moving to get a clear look at her nephew. He was a curious thing, blindly looking around the room and twisting away from being rubbed down. “Hey little man.” She smiled and nervously did as Dr. Brenner instructed and cut the cord connecting Jason to her brother. Suddenly, her nephew was whisked up by the nurse, swaddled, and snuggled into her arms. “Oh!” She held on more tightly than needed but not tight enough to hurt the exhausted looking baby. “You’re so little!” Kissing Jason’s crown, she cooed into his ears and bounced him instinctively while Jared delivered the placenta and stopped shaking enough that she got the okay to give her brother a chance to truly meet his son. “Hey, Jay, look what you and Jensen made.”  
  
Jared took the baby into his arms like Jason was always meant to be there. After all the doubts Jared had, after having to decide if having a baby at this time in his life was the right choice, if going through with the pregnancy was the right choice, Jared was relieved that Jason felt perfect. He was squished looking and looked at him with old man eyes, but he was adorable. “Hi, baby. Hi, Jason.” Jared’s heart skipped a beat when Jason exerted a great amount of energy in yawning and pouted his little baby lips. “You look just like your daddy.”  
  
Megan smiled at the sight of her brother interacting with Jason for the first time. “Are you kidding? That kid is all you.”  
  
He knew what Megan was talking about. Even though it was hard to tell how Jason’s features would change as he grew up, it was undeniable that his eyes would stay almond shaped like Jared’s and his hair was dark. But when Jason yawned and pouted, his lips were just like miniature versions of Jensen’s. It was uncanny how similar they looked. “He’s not all me.” Jared nestled the baby closer to his face to he could kiss his cheek. “Oh, Jace, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m sorry it’s not going to be much easier out here than it was in there and life is a little crazy right now, but I’m going to make a good life for you. I promise. There are so many people out here who want to spoil you and love you. You’ll see.” He ran the pad of his thumb over Jason’s lips. The baby focused on his father’s voice, looking strangely serious for only being twenty minutes old. “Your other father loves you too. Even if you don’t know it or he doesn’t know how to show you, he does. I promise. I wish he was here to meet you because you’re just like him already. The way you are looking at me like I’m your world? Your daddy does that too. I think you’re going to get along just fine.” The crying started again the moment he finished talking about Jensen. “I wish Jensen was here.”  
  
“I know. Me too.” Megan squeezed Jared’s shoulder. “Trust me, I’m glad I got to watch him being born but I wish you had the type of first moment with Jason than you always wanted. And…I’m…I’m sorry you didn’t. But when Jensen meets him, he is going to love him! He’s going to be so proud of you.”  
  
“You think?” Jared dried some of his tears by snuggling Jason closer and brushing his wet cheeks on the baby’s blanket.  
  
“Absolutely.”  
  
Jared looked at Jason and ran his fingers over the baby’s damp hair. “I want to name him Jason Casey. I’ve thought about it for a long time but…Casey saved Jensen...twice actually…and none of us would be here without him. I didn’t tell Jensen that. Do you think he’ll mind? We can call him Jace or J.C. for short. I just –“  
  
Megan cut him off. “I think it’s perfect.” She snuck her finger into the blanket, let Jason grab her finger and shook it gently. “It’s nice to meet you Jason Casey. You and I are going to be good friends. You’ll like me. I’ll let you do everything your parents wont.”  
  
“Megan!” Jared rolled his eyes.  
  
“I’m not talking to you Jared.” Megan smirked before letting out her own laugh.  
  
Jared snorted and turned his attention to Dr. Brenner. “Thanks for, you know, getting him here safely.”  
  
“It’s my job, right? I didn’t do most of the work. That was the fastest labor I’ve ever seen.” He finished up his work between Jared’s legs and pushed away. “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Drunk. Everything feels a little foggy and I’m so tired that I can’t believe I haven’t passed out. But I’m so excited to hold him I don’t think I could fall asleep if I tried.”  
  
“Everything looks good. You did really well. Even thought you don’t feel like you could fall asleep, you’re body is exhausted. I don’t like that shaking thing you’ve got going on right now, so I need you to rest for a while. Don’t hold Jason unattended and try to get some sleep if you can.”  
  
“But…but…but,” Jared panicked slightly at the order of staying in bed. Everything in his body hurt and he didn’t have any desire to move but he did want to be near Jensen. “I need to be with Jensen. I…please? I…”  
  
“Jared, you just had a baby after a significantly traumatic labor. I don’t want you going anywhere for at least an hour.” Dr. Brenner sighed. “Trust me, I know exactly why you are worried and my heart breaks for you, but I can’t, in good conscious, let you risk your health right now. I won’t do that.”  
  
“But –” Jared’s breath hitched.  
  
“But, I will come back in an hour and do everything in my power to make sure you can be by Jensen’s side. I promise. Right now, I want you to bond with your baby and let Allison show you how to feed him. Once he’s eaten and you’ve rested, then we’ll talk. I’m going to check on Jensen, my partner has been working with him in my place.”  
  
There was no way Jared could argue with that. He couldn’t put sitting with Jensen above taking care of Jason. Instead he nodded and let the man leave. Turning to Megan, he raised an eyebrow. “Do you think mom and dad are here yet?”  
  
“I dunno. Maybe. You kind of just popped a kid out in less than two hours. I don’t know where they were or when they got the message. As you know, I haven’t had time to check my cell phone.” Megan fished the device out of her pocket and scrolled through missed calls and text messages. “I can go check, if you’re okay here for a while.”  
  
Allison nodded and made a shooing motion towards the door. “He’ll be fine. We are going to get this little guy some grub and I’m sure he’ll want some privacy for that, huh?”  
  
“There is no such thing as privacy anymore after what she just saw.” Jared shook his head. “But go, I’m good.”  
  
Megan nodded and stepped out of the room, leaving Jared with the overwhelming task of feeding his son for the first time. “Sooooo…”  
  
Allison came around to Jared’s side. “So, he’s probably hungry because labor is hard work for the little ones too. You want to try feeding him yourself or are you going to use a bottle?”  
  
The phrasing of the question confused Jared for a moment before his eyes widened in understanding. “Oh! I…I want to try nursing him myself.”  
  
“He’s going to do all the work, don’t you worry. You just have to hold him and relax. Even though he’s little, he knows what he’s doing.” Allison helped Jared pull down the top of his hospital gown, physically manipulated Jared’s hold on Jason, and brought Jared’s hand to cup the back of Jason’s head. Together they guided the baby to Jared’s chest.  
  
Nothing happened. Jason made a noise of protest, twisted his face away and whined. They tried again but he made a louder whine and kept his lips sealed together.  
  
Jared tensed, the thought that his child didn’t want him brought a frustrated cry from his mouth. After so long spent being on the receiving end of tentative physical interactions, his mind was quick to jump to the conclusion that Jason wasn’t comfortable with him.  
  
Allison put a soft hand on his shoulder and spoke with soothing words. “Don’t worry. He’s just being difficult. Give him a while. We’ll keep trying and see if we can get him to latch on.” She cooed at the baby but he stayed resistant to all their efforts. Sensing Jared’s frustration, she took Jason into her arms, flipped him around, and pressed him back into Jared’s arms so that his lips grazed Jared’s other nipple. Like magic, the little boy opened his lips and searched out something to suckle on. “See, I told you not to worry. He was just being picky. I guess he’s a righty,” Allison joked.  
  
The sensation also shocked the air out of Jared. It was odd and different but he looked down to find the discomfort worth it when he watched Jason’s lips move with a solid suckle. “That’s surreal.”  
  
“A little, right? No one is going to love you more than that baby.” Allison removed her hands from the baby and gave full responsibly of Jason’s nursing over to Jared. “You’ve got him now. He’s all yours.”  
  
Jason made a wet puppy noise as he suckled harder, eyes closing slowly before blinking open suddenly and closing again.  
  
Jared smiled because Allison was right. Jason was all his. He was his little piece of happiness and he swore no one would take that away from him.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

Jensen moaned into the pillow and groaned. The position Dr. Fern was having him labor in was supposed to use gravity to aid his progress but didn’t help his comfort level. He buried his face, biting the pillow case until the contraction backed off enough that he didn’t have to fight the urge to scream.  
  
Dr. Brenner had been in and out over the last hour. He’d told Jensen that he had a very healthy son and a stubborn husband who wanted to come see him almost as soon as Jason was born. While nothing in Jensen’s world seemed to make sense anymore, that bit of news did. Jensen could always rely on Jared’s determination and selflessness.  
  
As much as Jensen wanted Jared present, he wanted to ensure that Jared was okay and that Jason was healthy before they worried about him. For now, Jensen had Casey and he was grateful for that. The hospital staff wouldn’t allow anyone else in the room given how volatile Jensen had been a few hours prior. He was sure that they might have tried to kick Casey out, but sometimes a police badge comes in handy.  
  
“Jen, you wanna see Jason? You’re mother sent me a picture of him.” Casey turned his phone towards Jensen.  
  
The picture was actually one of Jared nursing Jason. It was a side profile of the baby but a full on shot of Jared’s exhausted face. Even so, his two men made him smile. He had no words to say what the picture made him feel because it was an abstract concept at the moment, no different than looking at Jared’s ultrasound scans. They were pictures of something he’d had yet to meet and he was petrified about how he’d react to the real deal. Still, Jason looked perfect in Jared’s arms. That was enough to calm some of Jensen’s fears.  
  
“He’s handsome, Jen. He’s a perfect combo of you and Jared. Look.” Casey flipped to a new picture of a naked from the diaper up Jason, his balled up fists near his head with a content pout to his lips.  
  
The first thing Jensen focused on was Jason’s nose. “He does have Jared’s nose. I called that 20 weeks in.” He wanted to laugh but the pressure in his hips and belly flared up and he cursed. “Ugh!”  
  
“Easy, Jen.” Casey sat up straighter in his chair and took Jensen’s hand when his friend reached out with searching motions.  
  
“This one’s worse,” Jensen grit out through clenched teeth. After hours of slow progress, Jensen was getting frustrated. Yelling at his middle, he wished he had more control over the situation. “Come on!”  
  
He made out loud groan and the noise attracted Dr. Brenner. He took one look at Jensen and flipped the man’s legs into stirrups. Clearly unhappy with what he found, he sighed heavily. “You’re not progressing past seven centimeters. Jensen, listen, I don’t think you are going to be able to push this baby out. Couple that with the fact that she is four weeks early, I am going to have to recommend you have a c-section.”  
  
Jensen’s blood ran cold. He understood the suggestion, and rational Jensen would probably have agreed with him. Pre-rape Jensen would have insisted on one hours ago. The person he was now? That person did not want think of surgery. Of people inside him. Of people in control of his body and if he’d be put back together again. He couldn’t handle the thought of another procedure he’d have to recover from. His heart rate spiked, a machine beeping loudly to make sure everyone knew.  
  
Sadly, no one was surprised.  
  
“Jensen, listen. You cannot have this baby naturally. It just isn’t going to happen. The scar tissue is extensive and she’s not coming. You risk further damage to yourself and the baby’s life if you let this go on.”  
  
Jensen wasn’t listening, however. He snorted loudly and reared as far back as he could from the doctor trying to calmly speak to him.  
  
“Jensen, hey.” Casey still had a hold on Jensen’s hand and squeezed. “Hey, you need to listen. He’s talking about your life too. I know you’re messed up about a lot of things but you know I wouldn’t lie to you. What he’s saying…it makes sense. Even I can see that. You’re going to exhaust yourself for nothing at this point.”  
  
“No.” Jensen’s voice lacked any power behind it and he cringed as a contraction rolled through him.  
  
Sighing, Dr. Brenner rubbed his temples with both forefingers. “It’s going to be out of your hands in a few moments anyway. I would much rather have you on board with this than subjecting you to treatments you don’t want. I know what happened to you. I have all you’re medical files. I know you were forced to endure a lot. This situation is not that. This is the only option.” He looked up to make sure Jensen was hearing him. “I already spoke to Jared and he know that a c-section was a very probable end result. Trust me, he’s not happy and he’s worried about you but he understands and thinks it is for the best too. As weak as he is, I’ve given him the okay to stay with you during the procedure.”  
  
Mention of Jared got Jensen’s full attention. “Jared…Jared’s going to be there?”  
  
“Yeah. Absolutely. The whole time. If your heart rate keeps spiking like that we may have to put you out, but he’s going to stay there. Promise.” Dr. Brenner’s words were slow so as to let Jensen digest each one.  
  
Jensen barely so much as nodded before everything was put into action. Casey stayed with him the whole time they prepped him for surgery but was escorted out at the end, causing Jensen’s panic to increase and his heart rate to climb. He felt dizzy and things faded in and out for a while but when he could focus enough, Jared was sitting beside him looking far too pale but he had his hands on Jensen’s cheeks and was speaking so closely that his words came in a whisper.  
  
“Jay?”  
  
“Hi, baby.” Jared was relieved to see Jensen’s eyes open. There had been talk about his blood pressure and his heart rate but all the medical staff was talking so quickly that Jared couldn’t catch most of it.  
  
The fog in Jensen’s brain made him think that someone gave him something while he was fading in and out of consciousness on his own. Vaguely, he thought that was probably for the best because he didn’t remember the drug going in so it couldn’t add to his nightmares. His words were a little slurred when he looked at Jared. “I’m so proud of you.” He closed his eyes for a moment before looking at his husband again. “He’s beautiful.”  
  
Jared laughed sadly. “He looks like you, Jen. He looks like me and you. You’ll see him soon. But right now we have to take care of you and this little girl.” Jared’s hand coasted over Jensen’s tight middle.  
  
“I don’t wanna have a baby, Jay.” It was getting hard for Jensen to focus and the words came out more like a whiney child than a scared screwed up adult.  
  
Jared wanted to cry. He knew Jensen didn’t want to have this baby but having to watch him actually do it despite his wishes was going to be hard. “I know, baby. But they are going to get her out and then you’re done. Okay? You don’t have to worry about having a baby anymore.”  
  
Yet again, Jensen felt forced to do something. He felt like someone had taken control of his life and was pulling all the strings. He was going to get cut open and that thought was the final straw. The monitor at his side blared loudly, becoming the last thing Jensen focused on before slipping into unconsciousness.  
  
“Shit.” Dr. Brenner snapped at the operating room staff. “The baby’s in distress.”  
  
The rest was a complete blur to Jared. His heart was ready to fall out of his chest because he heard very scary words coming out of the doctors’ and nurses’ mouths. He didn’t let himself focus on them. He fixated on Jensen’s slack expression while people worked to get Jensen’s daughter out from behind a surgical screen. He was glad the screen was in place because seeing Jensen cut open would be the end of him.  
  
It was actually quite quick; Jared felt like it was minutes before he heard Dr. Brenner say something about getting ready to pull the baby out.  
  
Then suddenly, he was looking up above the screen at a screaming bloody baby. Dr. Brenner turned her to face Jared. “It’s a girl.”  
  
From the exact moment that she was born, she was as angry as her daddy. Without a doubt, she was the loudest baby Jared had ever heard and her shrill cry rang through the operating room. As much of a ruckus as she was causing, Jared felt nothing but relief and happiness that she was here and she was alive and kicking.  
  
Not leaving Jensen’s side, his vision followed the nurse Dr. Brenner had handed the baby off too after cutting her cord. The newborn screamed and fought off everyone trying to clean and dry her. She was so much like Jensen at the current moment that Jared almost laughed when she let out her loudest scream yet the moment a needle pricked her skin.  
  
In his eyes, there was no mistaking who gave birth to that little girl. She had Jensen’s fire in her as she kicked her way out of being swaddled twice before a nurse finally succeeded.  
  
“Do you want to hold her while we stitch him up?” A nurse stood in front of Jared with the wailing infant in her arms. “She is one unhappy baby.”  
  
“I…yeah. I want her.” Jared reached out his arms just as he had when Jason was born and was surprised to find that the little girl fit just as perfectly as his son.  
  
The baby’s lips quivered as she continued crying. Wails vibrating through the room as only newborns seemed to know how to do.  
  
“Shhh, shhh, baby. I know. You had a rough day.” Jared shushed her while rocking her slowly. She kept crying, screaming so loudly that he thought his head would split. “What’s wrong with her?”  
  
The nurse that handed Jared the baby shook her head. “She’s fine sweetie. She’s just…well…I don’t know what she thinks about being born yet. She’s awfully grumpy about it. To be fair, it was traumatic on her part.”  
  
Bouncing her, Jared kept shushing her and running a hand along her face, tracing her features and the shell of her ear with a fingertip. “Shh, sweet baby. It’s okay. I’m sorry you seem to have come into the world the hard way.” Straight from the beginning, Jared felt Jensen’s daughter had never had a fair chance.  
  
The need to breathe paused the baby’s crying and Jared took the opportunity to snuggle her closer. He held her tight and cooed in her ear. Her earsplitting crying trailed off into soft, wet, whimpers that broke Jared’s heart.  
  
“Ohh, you little angry thing, you.” Jared looked at her and she looked at him. He didn’t care that she probably couldn’t see him. It was enough of a connection to replace her cries with his own, sobs leaving his mouth as tears saturated his cheeks and dripped onto the baby. She pouted at him and he gasped when he noticed how her lips were shaped just like Jason’s…just like Jensen’s. “I’m sorry, baby.”  
  
They stayed like that for a while during the rest of Jensen’s surgery. Jared refused to give the baby up but he wouldn’t leave his husband’s side either. A half hour in, the baby’s crying came back even louder than before, her mouth let out big cries and her whole body started shivering unnaturally. It wasn’t the shiver from being cold; it was something else, something Jared had seen before. The little girl had more in common with Jensen than Jared had originally thought because he knew those shivers. He’d seen them when his husband was lost to his own mind after Casey had rescued him.  
  
He didn’t need the nurses to tell him to know there was something wrong with the baby.  
  
Jared didn’t fight them when she was rushed away to the NICU, leaving him with empty arms and an unconscious husband.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10176939794/)

The mood in Jared’s hospital room was tense. His family surrounded him with smiles on their faces but it was easy to tell that despite being genuinely happy, they were masking everyone’s unspoken worries.  
  
Jensen still hadn’t woken up from surgery. His doctors were not completely worried at this point, considering the stresses Jensen’s body and mind had gone through. His vitals were fine; Jensen wasn’t ready to wake up.  
  
Even though Jared had been reassured multiple times by medical professionals who were diligently monitoring Jensen’s condition, he had a hard time listening to their advice that he leave Jensen’s care to them and focus on himself for the time being. He was supposed to be happy right now. Instead, Jared was feeling lost in the shuffle and he couldn’t see a way out.  
  
On top of that, he still hadn’t heard news about Jensen’s daughter. He’d been introduced to a neo-natal specialist, Dr. Catz, who was in charge of the baby’s care. She’d promised to let Jared know the latest findings on the baby’s health as soon as the newborn was done being evaluated.  
  
For now, Jared sat in his hospital bed feeling lost. He watched Donna coo at Jason while enthusiastically rocking her grandson. He wanted to be happy, the stirrings of the feeling were there, but concern over his husband made it hard for himself to allow himself to smile. People noticed, making Sherri watch him like a hawk so did Alan, as if their constant observation would prevent some delicately balanced composure from tipping over inside Jared. The others, Jensen’s and Jared’s siblings, noticed too but they did their best to keep up routine conversation as they situated themselves throughout the room, taking turns passing Jason between them. The little boy was sleepy, barely reacting as he was transferred from one new relative to the next.  
  
Donna was speaking baby nonsense to her grandson, smiling and brushing his hair back. “He’s so sweet.”  
  
Jared nodded, an itching need to get his hands on his son again made him antsy. He trusted everyone in the room with Jason and he wanted to give them a turn to meet him but he was starting to feel that the baby had been out of his arms for too long.  
  
Gerry smirked and watched his grandson nuzzle his face into Donna with a soft sigh. He tried to break the room’s tension with a small laugh while he looked at Jared. “He’s so quiet. You were too when you were born, but it didn’t last long. Soon you wouldn’t shut up.”  
  
Almost proving the statement false, Jared didn’t respond verbally. He shrugged and gave his father a tired look.  
  
“Jared, baby, I know you’re worried. We all are. But you have to try and be strong right now.” Sherri put a hand on her son’s shoulder and pursed her lips in worry.  
  
“I’m tired of being strong.” Shoulders dropping, Jared wished he could close his eyes and wake up to find everything solved. He loved his family, but he didn’t have enough energy to deal with them right now; it was a lot on a good day. With hormones giving his body a run for its money, it was too much. He reached towards Donna with pleading eyes. “Give me my baby.”  
  
Donna didn’t hesitate. “Of course, Jared.” She helped nestle Jason into his father’s arms. “I’m sorry for keeping him away from you. I should’ve known better. I remember how clingy I was when Josh was born.”  
  
“Still clingy.” Josh chimed in with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Donna waved him off with a snort and turned back to her son-in-law. “You just tell us if we’re hogging him. He’s so sweet and cute, and we’re just so happy to have him here.” Her words wavered with worry. “I just wish we were all here…you know…everyone.” She wiped her eyes and tried to compose herself. “I’m sorry. Look at me, getting all worked up when that’s the last thing you need to deal with.”  
  
“No. It’s okay. I feel the same way. I think everyone does. I’m happy Jason is here but…something is missing.” Jared paused and didn’t know how to fill the silence with actually expressing what was missing. He was missing Jensen but also the little girl he couldn’t stop himself from growing attached too.  
  
Alan finished his thoughts for him. “We wish she was okay too. We…they won’t even let us see her.”  
  
Hearing Jensen’s daughter being spoke about aloud for the first time since her birth was both a relief and nerve-wracking. Mackenzie tensed, reminding Jared that she still found it difficult to see her brother’s rapist and the baby who existed as a result as two different entities.  
  
“I don’t know if they’ll ever let us see her,” Donna said. “If Jensen doesn’t want her and she is taken to adoptive parents…we’ll never see her.” She was visible upset by the time she finished.  
  
Sherri brought her fingers to her lips at the thought.  
  
“He has to sign papers before that happens.” Jared licked his lips and held on more tightly to Jason.  
  
“But still…” Donna didn’t have it in her to finish the sentence.  
  
“But still…” Jared’s voice cracked. “She’s so pretty.” He felt himself crying again and thought about how he’d spent a majority of the day doing so. “If you never see her, know that she’s so pretty.”

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177144863/)

It was hours later when Dr. Catz woke Jared up to tell him that the Jensen’s daughter was stable.  
  
In an instant, Jared was awake. He was sore and sitting up reminded him why, but he was already struggling to flip his feet over the side of the bed.  
  
The hospital had grown quiet. He was sure people were still filtering in and out but left his parents to worry about making some sort of order to who was staying. He needed to be alone for a while to clear his head and give his brain a rest. Hearing that Dr. Catz was going to allow him to see Jensen’s daughter brought an abrupt end to that rest.  
  
He didn’t tell anyone. He needed to keep the moment to himself because he needed to be selfish for once in the last 40 weeks.  
  
Standing in the NICU and staring at the little girl, Jared was glad he was alone. His stomach twisted up with nerves as he looked at her tiny body covered in sensors and surrounded by such intimidating looking medical machinery. There was a spot in his heart that was aching to be filly by the fussing, crying newborn but he didn’t know if he was allowed to let that happen.  
  
Dr. Catz left him there, sitting in a chair next to the baby and stroking her arm. Seeing her was hard. She was alone, let off from the rest of the NICU because of how much of a disturbance she was making. A label in her incubator read “Baby Girl Ackles” and was just as impersonal as everything else in the room. She was still trembling but there was a vast improvement from the first time he’d seen her body react like that.  
  
Unfortunately, the baby had suffered from the same withdrawal symptoms as Jensen. She’d been in utero while Felix had been injecting Etorphine into Jensen’s system and the hospital had kept Jensen pretty drugged up as well before the pregnancy was recognized. They’d taken Jensen off most pain medications but the lingering amounts had affected his daughter, making her go through her own withdrawal symptoms.  
  
Thankfully, they expected her to make a full recovery. For now, she was to stay in the NICU for observation and future testing. Her heart rate and breathing were strong but they weren’t sure if there were any linger effects.  
  
The baby screamed, loud wails making her whole body quiver from the effort.  
  
Jared held onto her hand, letting her wrap each tiny finger around his larger one. “I’m so sorry, baby. You and your daddy have been through enough.” She cried louder, piercing through the spot reserved for her in Jared’s heart.  
  
A young NICU nurse watched them with curiosity before stepping forward. “She’s the grumpiest baby I’ve ever seen. Can’t say I blame her. Those tubes are no fun at all. They’re not hurting her though, she just doesn’t like it here.”  
  
“Oh…she’s been crying the whole time?” Jared bit his lip.  
  
“Pretty much. She doesn’t want anything to do with anyone or anything. The poor thing.” The nurse sighed and noticed the medical bracelets on Jared’s wrist. “You want to hold her?”  
  
“Can I?”  
  
“I wouldn’t have asked just to tell you that you couldn’t.” The curse moved to lift the crying infant and tried to settle her. “You’re not hurting her. She just cries a lot. So don’t worry if she keeps on doing that while you hold her.”  
  
“O-okay.” Jared reached out and took the little girl with confident hands. He had her snug in the crook of his arm, running the finger she’d been holding over the curve of her cheek. “Hi again.” He bent down close to her ear and shushed her softly.  
  
The baby mewled a few more times but the shushing seemed to work and she quieted down to blink big eyes at Jared.  
  
“Well, would you look at that?” The nurse looked impressed. “Guess all she needed was someone who loves her, huh?”  
  
It took a second for Jared to realize that she was talking about him. “Huh? Oh, yeah. I guess so. Is that right, sweetie?” He bounced the baby gently and cooed at her. Now that she’d stopped screaming, she still looked angry but he could tell that she was a miniature version of Jensen. She looked exactly like a baby picture of Jensen getting washed in the sink. Jensen had looked just as angry as the girl in Jared’s arms looked now. Her blonde hair was soft and fine, flying away from anyone’s attempt to smooth it down. When she nuzzled into Jared, he was done for. He loved her. She was moody and grumpy but she melted him with the fact that she’d quieted down for him and looked exactly like Jensen.  
  
She was perfect.  
  
He didn’t even feel guilty when he realized he loved her just as much as he did Jason. He got the same ache in his heart when he thought about anything bad happening to her.  
  
When she cooed, Jared lost it. He cried, bringing her up to kiss her cheek and inhale her scent.  
  
Jared was sure the nurse wasn’t realizing it happening but the baby had found a way to crawl into his heart and she’d latched on for life. If Jensen thought he was giving his daughter up for adoption, he was mistaken. Jared couldn’t go along with that plan anymore. If it tore them apart, if he had to fight tooth and nail, she was staying with them. Gently folding the blanket down away from her face, Jared kissed her all over, smothering her with affection as if it was a way to make up for a fraction of the love she’d been missing out on.  
  
“Someone’s a proud papa,” the nurse beamed at them. When Jared didn’t respond, she stood straight up, concern written all over her face. “You are her father, right?”  
  
The weight of the question hadn’t escaped Jared. He was pretty sure there was no going back from what he was feeling but saying it would seal the deal. “Yeah. She’s…she’s my daughter.”  
  
“Thought so.” Blushing, she scrambled for an explanation. “I should have checked your medical bracelets first but I didn’t think I was wrong. People don’t look at newborns like that unless they’re parents. Looks like this grumpy little thing has been waiting to see you before letting her true personality show. She looks so much calmer now that I can barely believe she’s the same baby.”  
  
“She just needs a little love. Huh? Is that all you need?” Jared smiled at the baby as she rooted around against Jared’s shirt, mouth searching blindly for something and whining in protest when she couldn’t find it. “Ohh! You hungry sweet pea?” The baby mouthed his shirt, whimpered, and started off on the beginnings of a cry. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Jared looked up at the nurse. “Can I feed her? I mean…my husband gave birth to her but I just had a baby as well…”  
  
“On the same day?” The nurse whistled. “That’s eventful.”  
  
“Yeah…so…can I feed her? Is it okay?”  
  
“I don’t see why not. She’s been going for so many tests that she’s barely eaten. What she did eat she spit up because she was so agitated and upset. She looks pretty determined now, however. Do you need help?”  
  
“No. I got it.” Jared rested the baby on his lap and pulled the loose t-shirt over his head. Just as he’d done with Jason, he cradled Jensen’s daughter in his arms and tried to coax her to take his nipple. Unlike her brother, the baby latched on immediately, suckling with such force that it hurt and shocked Jared. “Woah, easy sweetie. I’m not going anywhere.” The baby made hungry milky snorts, her lips suckling intensely before taking a pause and starting up again. Just like everything else in her life, she was very serious about nursing.  
  
Jared winced but stroked her hair while she ate. “Hi, beautiful. You’re so beautiful, just like your daddy.” She made a puppy whimper in response and kept eating. Leaning back into the chair, Jared enjoyed their connection and the first true time he got a chance to lavish the newborn with affection. He stroked her back and held her protectively against him, unable to take his eyes off her.  
  
He’d thought that stories people shared about the strong bond that developed while nursing one’s own child were overrated. They weren’t in the slightest. As connected as he’d felt to Jason, nursing his son had nothing on how powerful nursing Jensen’s daughter was. It was empowering and gave him the courage to decide he was keeping her. She was his daughter. He’d find a way to make Jensen accept that. Knowing he already had both of their parents and Megan on their side helped.  
  
This baby was going to be loved no matter what.  
  
The nurse watched Jared feed the baby and scribbled some notes on her file. “She’s a greedy little thing, isn’t she?”  
  
“Trust me, she deserves it. She can be as greedy as she wants.”  
  
“Not if you’re nursing two of them. It’s going to be a little while till your milk comes in fully. So, let someone know if you’re having trouble. You seem determined enough, which is good. She needs someone like you.” She smiled and looked back at the file. “Does this little princess have a name?”  
  
The answer was no but Jared felt stupid giving it. How could he love this baby so much and still refer to her as Jensen’s daughter? Looking down on her, she squinted disgruntled eyes at him while drinking. Being four weeks premature, she was smaller than Jason but just as lively. She’d been just as determined to survive as she’d been to make Jared love her.  
  
So many people loved her.  
  
Jared’s whole world, since the day Jensen went missing, revolved around the belief that things would right themselves. It was the only thing that got him through the loneliness, the heartache, and the emotional struggles. He believed things would end up the way they were meant to be.  
  
The little girl in his arms was meant to be there. Shitty situations had placed her in Jared’s and Jensen’s lives but fate had made sure she’d gotten a papa who could handle it and love her as much as she deserved.  
  
“Her name is Faith.” Jared loved it the minute it was on his tongue. “Her name is Faith and she’s going to be fine. Right, Faith? You’re going to show this NICU who is boss, huh?” The baby pulled away and let out an annoyed cry. “Yeah, that’s right. Get angry. I don’t want you thinking life or anyone can boss you around.” He smiled at the baby and kissed her in the middle of her forehead. “We…I…I dunno what they are doing with her birth certificate, but, her other father still hasn’t woken up from surgery so…”  
  
“We can sort that out. If you want to wait we can…”  
  
“No. I want to do it now. If that’s okay. She can’t be ‘Baby Girl Ackles’ anymore. She needs to be Faith Megan Ackles. Okay?”  
  
Something in Jared’s words made it clear to the nurse that filing the baby’s birth certificate was more important than usual. “Okay. I can see what is going on with that, as long as you’re okay with her.”  
  
“We’re great.” Jared shifted Faith and she resumed nursing. “She’s good.” Smiling, Jared cupped the back of the baby’s head with one large palm. “Thank you.”  
  
The nurse left with a nod.  
  
Jared had a hell of a lot in store for him but he didn’t worry about that. He focused on getting to know his daughter.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10176939794/)

With Jensen functioning on a different level, Jared had no idea what the news of keeping Faith would do to him.  
  
Jensen had been set on giving her up. When he woke up from his surgery, he expected Jared to hover over him but he didn’t expect him to drop the bomb that he’d named the baby –their daughter – Faith and he wasn’t giving her up.  
  
After everything Jensen had put Jared through, Jensen felt like Jared deserved the world. He deserved anything he wanted. If his husband was set on keeping their daughter, he couldn’t argue with him. There wasn’t enough ammunition to argue otherwise. Ideas were there but Jensen’s brain wouldn’t let him voice them. He was torn between keeping a daughter he never planned on having and casting her out with the very real possibility that it would ruin his marriage. A nagging part of his conscience told him it would ruin other parts of his life as well.  
  
So they kept her.  
  
It became clear to Jared that getting Jensen to agree to keep their daughter wasn’t going to be the problem.  
  
The problem was getting Jensen to care at all.  
  
After Faith’s birth, Jensen was a shell of who he used to be. He seemed muted. The vibrant parts of Jensen that Jared had started coaxing out were back in hiding and even his renewed friendship with Casey couldn’t unearth them for the time being.  
  
Instead of interacting, he wanted to sleep. Dr. Clyne had come to visit Jensen on a daily basis and they’d worked to get him on a regimen of antidepressants. Pregnancy had stripped a lot from Jensen, it didn’t come as a surprise to anyone when postpartum set in.  
  
Medicine helped, but Jensen still showed no interest in holding his daughter no matter how much Dr. Clyne tried to preach the benefits of facing her.  
  
Jared didn’t push him. He’d been handling Faith on his own; he figured he could do it for as long as it took for Jensen to fall in love with her. There was no doubt in Jared’s mind that Jensen would love her one day. He had to. Everything Jared had come to know about Jensen made him sure that he wasn’t wrong in thinking that way.  
  
Jason, on the other hand, was easier for Jensen to interact with. He hadn’t held him exactly, but he’d watched Jared hold him. His gave a rare smile when Jason blew spit bubbles in his direction, giving enough of a clue that he’d be a proud dad when he got through whatever cloud was hanging over him.  
  
Jared and Jason were released from the hospital two days after Jason’s birth.  
  
Jensen’s doctors wanted to keep him longer for observation and Faith was still in the NICU.  
  
To most parents, Jared assumed coming home without a partner or a newborn would be met with anguish and a sense of injustice. To Jared, however, it was a welcome fact because it helped him slowly figure out how to exist as part of a new family dynamic.  
  
Still, going home alone was hard, another moment to add to Jason’s list of things he’d done without his other father. Walking through the front door, alone, three days after giving birth to Jason, hit him hard. He thought he’d be able to handle it. He thought he would be able to take the stillness of his and Jensen’s house and use it refocus himself and come up with a plan of attack on how to factor Faith into their family. Instead, he took one step into their den, clutched Jason to his chest, and fell to pieces.  
  
Megan, who had driven him home and walked, made a pained sigh and rushed to her brother’s side. “Jay…” She put her hands on Jared’s shoulders. “Here…let me take Jason for a bit while you compose yourself.”  
  
“No!” Jared flinched away from her and twisted so that Jason was out of Megan’s range of sight. He hadn’t meant for the angry tone but the irrational part of his brain couldn’t deal with letting Jason go. His heart was already aching from being home without his husband and daughter; he held onto his son like a lifeline. “No…we’re good.” Putting an effort into softening his features as well as his tone, Jared resumed facing his sister. “Sorry…I…I…I need to do this on my own. I need…I need him. Okay?”  
  
“No one is saying you can’t do this on your own. But it’s okay if you need some help. It’s okay, you know that, right?” Megan gave a soft smile. “Listen…I know you said you wanted to be alone for a bit. Trust me, mom hasn’t stopped worrying herself sick about that…but are you sure?”  
  
“I don’t know.” Shrugging, Jared shook his head. “I don’t know but I want to try.” He knew his family meant well but he needed to see if he could do this on his own for a few days before he could tackle the idea of doing it alongside Jensen, considering the mental state his husband was in.  
  
Kissing her brother on the cheek, Megan responded with a simple, “okay.” She helped bring in Jared’s and Jason’s stuff from the car and listened to what her brother wanted.  
  
Alone, Jared wasn’t sure he’d made the right decision in sending Megan away. He struggled to keep his mind away from dark thoughts and his body hurt every time he had to get up to tend to the son he’d just delivered. The most starling change in his world came when he realized he ended up crying with everything he did.  
  
It got so bad in the middle of the night that Jared called his parents. He barely had to ask before he heard his father agreeing to move in temporarily while he learned to deal with Jason on his own and eventually Faith and Jensen.  
  
Jason was an easy baby. He didn’t cry much and while he seemed to nurse constantly, he was easy to feed. Doing the tasks weren’t physically hard but Jared found himself crying half the time, leaving Sherri to wonder who woke her first, her son or her grandson.  
  
Between visiting Jensen and Faith and taking care of Jason, Jared barely had time to shower and breathe. He was thankful his parents knew how to give help he didn’t know he’d even asked for.  
  
Faith was released from the hospital three days after that. She was handed to Jared with a clean bill of health and a warning that she had quite a set of lungs on her.  
  
She lived up to her warning the entire drive home from the hospital, screaming so loudly that Jared was glad he’d left Jason at home under his parent’s care. She wailed until her face turned beet red and she could hardly breathe. It put Jared in edge and his hands shook on the steering wheel as he turned into his driveway.  
  
Abandoning the convertible car seat all together, Jared unclasped the baby’s restraints and pulled her into his arms. Like magic, she quieted down and nuzzled against his shoulder, wet hic-cries coming from her quivering lips.  
  
The same pattern continued. Jason was content to lay in his bouncer or bassinet while Faith screamed her head off. Faith seemed happiest when she was in Jared’s arms. She enjoyed her grandparents too, proving to only be content when safely cuddled into someone’s arms.  
  
Jared was glad he had people in his life who seemed intent on never letting Faith go.  
  
His parents were a great help but Jared was still the one nursing both babies and it was exhausting. He felt like he was on a never ending rotation of making sure both Faith and Jason had full bellies. He wasn’t complaining, exactly. He loved the connection he had with them and he used it to help relax and let everything in the world drop away but feeding his babies. The moment he figured out how to nurse both Jason and Faith at the same time was a particularly powerful one and he filed it away for future use when he needed to remember why he was running himself ragged. Though Faith and Jason were siblings, they were newborns and barely interacted as such. That moment, however, their little hands had brushed and they held on for the entire duration of their feeding. It was sweet and he’d wished Jensen was there to see it.  
  
Donna and Alan helped clear out Jared’s office and transferred their secret stash of Faith’s baby gear to Jared and Jensen’s house. Almost overnight, Faith went from having no place to call her own to having a bubble gum pink frothy creation of a nursery. Not that she spent any time there; she made it clear that a crib wasn’t going to cut it. With so many people doting on her, she made sure everyone knew not to put her down if she’d fallen asleep.  
  
Thankfully, Megan was like Faith’s walking, talking, portable crib. She rocked, bounced, and sang to Faith on a regular basis. It only got worse once she found out that Faith was named after her because of all the unconditional love she had shown while Jensen was pregnant as well as her ease in accepting the baby into her life before she was even born.  
  
Help was good but Jared knew he’d have to do it on his own.  
  
There was a longing for his babies every time he left them home to visit Jensen in the hospital. The intensity of that emotion scared him. They’d barely been in his life a week and he already found it hard to leave them out of his sight for an hour. Dr. Clyne reassured him that after what had happened to Jared’s loved ones when they were out of his sight, it was no wonder he wanted to keep a constant visual on all of them. Still, it worried Jared that he was falling more for his babies while his and Jensen’s relationship was static.  
  
That was the type of guilt that had him wake in the night, crying loud enough for Sherri to wake up and come to his room. Jason and Faith were still sound asleep in their bassinets, leaving Sherri puzzled as to why she’d been roused. Over the last week, she’d let Jared have his fair share of late night infant care, only coming to help when the crying went on for a long while. Tonight, she had mistakenly thought Jared was awake because one of her grandbabies was.  
  
Jared couldn’t do more than cry for a while but figured out a way to voice his fears about Jensen to his mother. When she told him it was normal he held onto that statement like his salvation. Living in a world where he and Jensen didn’t function as one wasn’t an option, he just needed to figure out a way to put them back together.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177091716/)

Jensen slowly made his way around the living room, getting to know it again after the hospital had kept him two weeks. His body had been thrown into shock from the events leading up to and after his daughter’s birth and too many professionals were in agreement that he needed to be monitored. His body was healing but his brain seemed on a slower pace. After getting violent towards Jared’s anesthesiologist, no charges were filed but he was subjected to more mental health checks and being watched like he was going to break at any moment.  
  
That was impossible. He’d already watched the pieces fall.  
  
He was still sore as hell, and regretted the fact that sooner or later he would have to sit down. His siblings were watching him with reticent offers to help.  
  
Wincing, he lowered himself into his favorite chair. His muscles were knitting together after being cut open to deliver his daughter and the feelings were disconcerting. He’d finally found the courage to look down at his cesarean scar two days ago. It didn’t affect him on the level he thought it would. It didn’t making him sick because of the procedure it represented but it made him realize that it was one of his only scars that was visible. It represented a culmination of all the pain he’d gone through over the last 42 weeks.  
  
The scar on Jensen’s temple from the orbital rim fracture was usually what stared people in the face. It looked angrier than the neat line on his abdomen. What people would mistakenly think was that the pain that came with the orbital fracture was worse. They didn’t know that the bones in his skull ached but healed. The damage carrying and giving birth to his daughter felt like something that would never go away.  
  
He hated himself for failing to get out of the hole life had created for him. The person he used to be would have been able to handle the shit storm going on in his life and come out unscathed.  
  
The fact that Jared was looking at him with Jason resting over his shoulder made him force a smile. He’d missed the quiet of their home while he was in the hospital. He missed the comfort of seeing Jared everywhere. Now, looking at Jason, he realized how unaccustomed he was to seeing his son in the world.  
  
“Hey, Jen. You wanna try holding Jason?” Jared shifted his weight and kissed Jason’s crown. The baby was happy today, as always, and Jared felt like he would make being a dad easy for Jensen – at least as easy as it could be. He didn’t know how Jensen would answer his question. He’d never held Jason before, despite trying to get him to while in the hospital. Jensen had interacted with him, however, which was more than Jared could say for Faith.  
  
Faith remained something that Jensen barely acknowledged. He’d been home for a few hours and it was hard not to notice Faith. She was loud. She screamed if people ignored her.  
  
Oddly, Jensen thought he knew how she felt. He knew this and did nothing about it. He knew what it was like to be looked at and become frustrated when people didn’t know what to do with you or how to handle you. He supposed he was that person now because he had stared at Faith like she scared him and didn’t try to figure her out. Her green eyes and familiar stare gave him the chills. Despite the fact that he had finally looked at her and discovered she looked nothing like his rapist, he still saw Felix’s face when Faith demanded attention of him. She wanted a part of him he didn’t know how to give. Jensen thought maybe she had that in common with her other biological father. She liked to take things even if others didn’t want to give them.  
  
Dealing with Jason was easier. He looked like Jared and Jared had always been safe. With Jared giving Jensen a hopeful look, Jensen felt the urge to calm Jared’s worries and finally try holding his son.  
  
“Yeah…I…if you think he feels like hanging out with me. He looks pretty snug up there on your shoulder.” Jensen licked his lips and pushed his hair out of his face. It had grown too long for comfort, but Jensen couldn’t be bothered with it.  
  
“Are you kidding? I’m old news. He’s looking for bigger and better things. I think he’s going to love trying to figure out how your arms work.” Jared laughed.  
  
“But he’s sleeping and I…you just look good with him.”  
  
“And you’ll look good too. He probably won’t even wake up. He’s lazy after he eats.” Jared took a seat on the edge of the couch beside his husband.

  


  
Mackenzie perked up and smiled at her brother. “Come on, Jen. He’s so cute. Trust me, I have no idea what I’m doing with a baby and but he made it easy. I wasn’t even nervous after a few minutes.”  
  
Jared snorted but there was no anger behind it. “You almost dropped him.”  
  
“Yeah, well, cut me a break. After I nearly dropped him then I wasn’t nervous anymore.” She sat next to Jensen and pulled both legs onto the couch, resting her chin on one knee.  
  
Jared returned his glance to the sleeping baby in his arms. He thought his hair had gotten longer in the last week. His chestnut hair was swept off his face and his lips suckled gently in his sleep. “I know you want to hold him, Jen. I know you’ve wanted a son since we started trying to get pregnant.”  
  
Jensen nodded. It was true. He couldn’t go back on hundreds of late night conversations. He bit his bottom lip and reached his hands out towards Jared and his son.  
  
When Jared handed Jason off into Jensen's unsure arms he was careful not to brush up against his tender middle. In slow motion, he lifted his son up so that he rested comfortably in his arms. Jason’s hand instinctively curled around the loose fabric of Jensen’s shirt. The baby didn’t wake up but he made a whimper and wiggled into Jensen’s hold.  
  
"He loves you already," came Jared's voice, as he watched his son slumber happily in Jensen's arms. He watched Jensen blinking down at their son and his heart warmed at the sight. He wished Jason had been awake to interact with Jensen more but it was a sweet sight nonetheless. Looking over his shoulder, Jared was thankful Faith was sleeping quietly in her bassinet. He hated that Jensen blamed her for his agitated moods and didn’t need anything to spook Jensen away from finally holding Jason.  
  
“Hey, Jace.” Jensen traced the miniature version of Jared’s nose he was suddenly so fixated on. He moved his finger down over the swell of his cheek and memorized the shape of his lips by touch alone. When the baby yawned widely in response, he closed his mouth around the tip of Jensen’s finger and suckled. After half a minute, Jason got frustrated and opened his eyes, looking at Jensen with crossed eyes before he was able to focus.  
  
“You want to feed him?” Jared smiled. He’d taken it upon himself to feed both babies but sometimes it was too much. He had people willing to help him but they couldn’t do much if both Faith and Jason were hungry and needed his attention. Before he brought Jensen home from the hospital, he had been spending enough time away from his babies that he needed to pump breast milk for them. Now that Jensen was home, he’d kept up the routine in hopes that feeding their children could be something he and his husband could share.  
  
“Umm…he was just sleeping.” Jensen’s voice sounded uncertain. Part of him wanted to jump at the chance while the other part was hoping Jason would fall back to sleep and make life easier for him. He was doing a pretty good job of holding a sleeping infant, he didn’t want to risk trying something he would mess up. The mere thought of messing Jason up made Jensen’s heart rate become erratic. He looked down at the little boy and counted ten perfect toes and ten perfect fingers. In the warmth of the house, Jason wasn’t wrapped in a blanket and he looked exposed and vulnerable, so trusting of the world. The world didn’t deserve Jason’s trust.  
  
“He’ll be fine. He didn’t eat a lot before.” Getting up, Jared practically ran to heat up a prepared bottle, afraid that Jensen would lose his nerve if he took too long. Coming back with a smile, Jared handed Jensen a small bottle filled with milk. "Why don't you feed him?"  
  
Jensen’s hand was shaking as he took the bottle and lifted his son's head up slightly. At first the child refused the bottle, but on the second attempt he snatched it into his mouth and drank. His hold on Jason grew slack and the baby slipped a little, reminding Jensen to be more cautious. Once righted, Jason continued suckling with needy whines. Something inside of Jensen snapped as he watched the innocent baby who depended on him. With the added gravity of Jared standing beside him, looking at him with such hopeful eyes, Jensen felt pressure bubbling over in his core. His eyes quickly welled with tears as he turned and pushed the baby into Mackenzie's arms. There was no time for his sister and husband to give more than a confused look before Jensen took off in the direction of his bedroom.  
  
With a gasp, Jared looked in the direction Jensen just took off. He couldn’t figure out what had just happened. Things had looked perfect. Jensen holding Jason looked perfect. The baby in his sister-in-law’s arm’s fussed with the abrupt interruption of his meal. Jared turned his eyes back towards Mackenzie.  
  
Mackenzie looked just as confused as Jared did. Shrugging, she turned sad eyes up towards her brother-in-law. "Give him time Jared. I can't even imagine all the things he’s going through right now. But I guess you can, at least a little bit. You just had a baby too.” She ran a hand through her hair and tried to offer some comfort. “His emotions are probably going wild, right? I mean, the PTSD thing…it’s never been under control. Not only did he have major surgery, he has a new baby,” her voice dropped in pitch, “two new babies…I guess.”  
  
Jared let out a shaky breath. He knew Mackenzie wasn’t on board with the decision to keep Faith. He thought Faith was growing on his sister-in-law, but she’d still been fiercely defensive of trying to do what was best for her brother’s psyche. It hurt him to realize that not everyone saw Faith like he did. They saw her for how she was created, not as an individual who had already filled Jared’s heart with enough love to overshadow what Felix had done. Hate wasn’t solving anything.  
  
Jared sighed. "I'll go check on him. You'll watch Jason, won’t you?" Waiting for Mackenzie's nod, he walked quickly towards his room, listening for noise within before he knocked on the door. "Jensen? Can I come in?" The only response he received were the sounds of his husband trying to restrain sobs. Each pained noise left Jensen’s mouth with some form of muffling. Jared opened the door and saw Jensen sitting on the bed, his back facing him. He was shuddering and screaming into a pillow. “Jen…baby…” Jared slowly approached his husband and crawled on the bed next to him. Jensen’s eyes were squeezed shut but Jared didn’t know if it was because he was trying to keep the tears from coming or because he couldn’t face Jared. Running a hand over Jensen’s body, he tried to find some way to comfort him.  
  
"It isn't right. Something isn’t right." Jensen's voice came in small intervals as he spoke through broken breaths.  
  
"What isn't right?"  
  
"Everything...something’s wrong." Jensen couldn’t figure out what to say. He had no idea how to pinpoint what had been wrong. Jason had been wonderful. He was everything Jensen knew he would be. The problem wasn’t Jason. The problem was Jensen. He had no right to be in charge of such a pure person. The things that had been done to Jensen needed to stay far away from his son but he didn’t know how to do that without removing himself from his son’s life.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Jared was totally in the dark.  
  
"So tiny...he's so small. And totally dependent on me! Me, Jared! Can you seriously tell me that you think this is a good idea? It's just...” Jensen paused to run a hand though his hair and tug at the strains in frustration. “Oh god, I don't know. Jared, I can't do this."  
  
"Of course you can do this! I thought this is what you wanted? Right? What we wanted…" Jared pulled Jensen upright so he could look into his watery eyes.  
  
“That was before…before the…” Jensen’s words dropped off and he fought against Jared’s hold so that he could look away.  
  
“But we’re still us, Jen. We can take care of him together. Him and Faith.”  
  
The mention of Faith sent Jensen’s fear to the next level. “Faith? I can’t even hold my own son….” Jensen took a deep breath and lost himself to his thoughts. "So defenseless, and little. And I have no idea how to take care of him or her. And I have to. I’m supposed to take care of them. I’m supposed to but I just can’t. I’m supposed to love her. I’m supposed to…but I don’t. I just don’t. It isn’t there. When will it be there?" Jensen's body shook with sobs of defeat as he watched Jared stand up, some emotion he couldn’t read in his eyes. “Holding Jason…I could have killed him…I mean, I’m strong enough to do something stupid and hurt him. I can’t even take care of myself, how on earth can I take care of Jason?”  
  
Something inside Jared told him not to get angry but he didn't listen. "Jensen, you have to take care of him, he’s already here now." He paused to take a calm breath. "We'll take care of him and Faith together, and our families are helping..."  
  
Jensen cut Jared off before he even had a chance to finish the sentence. "That's what you say now. What happens when you don't...."  
  
That last comment cut into Jared and stayed there. He grabbed Jensen's shoulders and forced him to look directly in his eyes. "Are you crazy? You think that after everything we’ve been together, I’m going to leave now? I’m not going to leave and I’ll always take care of you and Jason. But, Jensen, he’s your son, he needs you." He left the fact that Faith needed Jensen too unspoken but he thought it just as strongly.  
  
"That’s precisely it. I may be able to live in this nightmare by myself, but while raising a newborn? I just can't."  
  
"Jensen, you can..."  
  
Jensen stood up in a blur, eyes wide with stress. His voice shook with the force of his words. “No! I can’t! I just can’t!" His world narrowed down to that one statement and he couldn’t find the courage to take another step or take another breath. Everything shook and his body was about to crumple to the floor when Jared's strong arms grabbed him and crushed him to his body.  
  
"Alright Jensen. Alright." He kissed Jensen's head gently as he hugged him tight. Ignoring the situation wasn’t going to solve anything. Jared hadn’t let himself do that during Jensen’s whole healing process. Today, however, Jared didn’t have it in him to watch Jensen unravel further.  
  
He was in for one hell of a ride.  
  
Jared couldn’t take the thought of people looking at Jensen like he was a shitty father for the fact that he couldn’t hold either of his children and could barely look at one of them. Jared was a strong person but things had been chipping away at him. He was starting to shut down. Despite needing all the help in the world, that was the night Jared kicked everyone out of their house.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10176939794/)

Jensen's tired eyes opened; he raised himself on one elbow, looked over Jared's sleeping body, and gazed at his crying daughter. Faith was tucked into a small bassinet near Jared's side of the bed and crying loudly. A sudden jumpiness and nervousness coursed through Jensen’s blood as he watched her. He quickly nudged his sleeping lover awake. "Jared...baby's crying...Jared wake up."  
  
"Wha....what?" Jared sputtered out, thrashing his arms a bit as he woke. His black t-shirt hung off him and his hair stuck in all different directions, making him thoroughly sleep disheveled. He looked at his wailing daughter and quickly scooped her up, rocking her gently. "Shh, Faith, papa’s here." Jared stood up and slowly walked in a circle while he rocked the baby.  
  
Faith continued crying loudly, clearly getting across her distress and need for Jared. He shushed her, kissed her forehead and tried to get her to quiet down.  
  
Jared was exhausted. He’d been doing this for days. He wasn’t sure how long the human body could last without sleep but he was on a sure path to figuring out. “Come on, Faith. Please? Please, baby? Please quiet down and try to get some sleep. You need sleep; papa needs sleep. Please?” Jared sighed, rubbing weary eyes with a free hand. He was five minutes away from dropping like a lead weight.  
  
Jensen buried his head under the pillow to drown Faith’s cries out as best he could. “Jay…”  
  
“What, Jen?” Jared hadn’t meant to snap but it was a long time coming. “You have better ideas? She’s not hungry, she’s not wet. She’s just….she’s just Faith. She does this. Wanna help figure her out?” Looking towards Jensen, Jared was met with silence. “You know what, why don’t you just stay in bed?” Sarcasm was thick on Jared’s tongue. “Faith and I are going to watch T.V.” Jared stormed out of the room, his anger only putting Faith further on edge.  
  
Jensen lay awake, eyes fixed on the ceiling. He still heard his daughter crying, but softer now as Jared made his way downstairs. He lay there thinking about the drastic changes his life had taken. He was a grown man and still totally incapable of taking care of the child he so desperately wanted and the other one he had been forced to have. It wasn't that he didn't want to care for Jason or that he wanted Faith to suffer, it was just that he physically couldn't. Every time he even thought about being left alone with them, he got sick to his stomach  
  
He wished the old version of Jensen, the one everyone expected him to be, could come back and teach him how to deal with everything.  
  
Thank god for Jared stepping up and becoming everything to Jason and Faith. His husband broke his back taking care of them day and night, doing things Jensen should be helping with. He managed a busy schedule of giving both babies equal amounts of quality time, even figuring out a way to nurse them at the same time on occasion. He was barely keeping his head above water but when Jensen saw his husband look at Jason and Faith, there was always a genuine loving smile plastered on his face. There was also exhaustion. Jared needed a break and as much as Jensen wanted to give it to him, he couldn’t.  
  
Jensen was in and out of sleep but snapped back to wakefulness when Jared walked into the room, Faith quiet aside from soft whimpers as she nursed. Her eyes were wide open and she was staring directly at Jared's face. Her legs were curled up to her chest as her hands waved in the air. Sitting down on the bed, Jared continued to feed his daughter and ignore his husband. He hummed softly at Faith as he had been prone to doing. “You have your daddy’s appetite.”  
  
Jensen tensed when he heard Jared’s statement and turned so that his back was facing them. Curling into the blankets, Jensen tried to make himself disappear. He didn’t need to hear Jared telling Faith how wonderful her daddy was. He didn’t need more guilt.  
  
Jared watched Jensen’s retreat and let out a sigh of disappointment.  
  
They ignored each other for a while until Faith was finally tucked back in her bed, full, freshly changed, and fast asleep. Jared checked on Jason, found him still sleeping soundly, crawled under the covers and moved closer as Jensen's warm body melted his prior annoyance. "Jen? You awake?"  
  
"Mmm, hmm."  
  
“I’m sorry I snapped at you before. I…” Jared shifted closer still when it became clear Jensen was going to let him share his personal space. “I know it’s hard for you. I know you have a lot going on.”  
  
Jensen snuggled backwards as Jared reached out for him and curled an arm around his chest. The connection felt needed, even through the foggy shit storm Jensen was struggling through.  
  
"Jensen...you have to get over this..."  
  
"Jared, I don't want to talk about this." He stiffened and tried to pull away but Jared kept a firm grip on him.  
  
Noticing he’d pushed too far, Jared dropped the subject and hung one arm loosely around Jensen's waist. He leaned in and kissed his way up Jensen's neck, slowly making his way to his ears. When finally there, he gently nibbled and whispered how he knew Jensen was still in there somewhere.  
  
Jensen shook him off and pushed him away. "Not now, Jared." Sighing, he curled onto his side. “I don’t want to talk about it now. Tomorrow.” He heard a dejected noise come from Jared’s side of the bed but he tugged the blankets higher to drown it out.  
  
He knew he had to work on things. Tomorrow Jensen would try working on dealing with Faith and Jason. Tomorrow he would go to therapy and let them put him on more drugs. Tomorrow he would be a better husband. Tomorrow he would deal with everything because it was so much easier to plan for tomorrow than work on things today.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177091716/)

When Jensen finally got the approval to resume driving, it couldn’t have come at a better time. He still has a million doctor’s appointments to get to and Jared is definitely worn out from taking care of Jason and Faith.  
  
Being able to go to therapy on his own is therapeutic in its own right. He’s glad he can leave Jared at home instead of exhausting him further by the long process of getting the babies ready for the car ride. Jared doesn’t have to say anything for Jensen to know how thankful he is. He’s seen it in Jared’s eyes, that exhausted silent grateful sigh he seems to exude when Jensen says he’s leaving and picks up the keys himself.  
  
What he didn’t tell Jared was that driving, after so many months away from it, was terrifying. There was so much going on and Jensen was on edge. He’d gotten better but loud, sudden noises startled him and it was exhausting keeping everything in check.  
  
After a few weeks, there was significant improvement. He had driving down pat. He even had a handle on going out on his own to do errands without Jared. What he couldn’t do without a panic attack was hold his son or Faith.  
  
He’d worked on the reality of living with Faith with Dr. Clyne. She picked up on the largest issue Jensen had with his daughter without Jensen giving a direct reference to it. It started with the fact that Jason was Jensen’s son. Faith, however, was never referred to as anything more than Faith. Sometimes she was “the baby” or part of “the kids” but usually she was simply Faith.  
  
Jensen was lost on how to answer Dr. Clyne’s question as to why there was a roadblock between the word Faith and the word daughter.  
  
She looked at him, patient and calm as she waited for an answer.  
  
“I don’t know.” Jensen turned his attention to the corner of the room, eyes actively avoiding eye contact with his therapist.  
  
“Do you not see her as your daughter?”  
  
“I don’t know.” Jensen felt a knot building in his gut.  
  
“Does it bother you when people call her your daughter?” Dr. Clyne’s tone was steady and even.  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
This time, Dr. Clyne’s body language shifted, giving away that she was frustrated. Uncrossing her legs, she placed heeled feet flat on the ground then set her notepad on the desk beside her. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she sighed. “Are you angry with me, Jensen?”  
  
The question caught Jensen off guard. “What?”  
  
“Are you angry with me? Because, we’ve been working together for almost a year. You took months to open up to me but I feel like we hit a breakthrough when Jared joined us. You’ve been honest with me for the last five months. Are you angry with me for forcing you to talk about Faith? I’m trying to help you. I don’t judge. But I can’t help if you refuse to answer the questions.”  
  
“But I don’t know.” Jensen wasn’t angry before but it was building. He felt it growing along with the knot in his middle.  
  
“I think you do know. The answer is there. People don’t treat other people, including babies, a certain way for no reason. I think you know but you’re afraid to let it out. You do know that the reason is real regardless of if you voice it to me or not? It’s affecting your life and Jared’s life despite your refusal to talk about it.” She studied Jensen for a minute. “See, you are angry. That’s okay. Let it out.”  
  
Jensen growled under his breath and crossed his arms over his chest, yet he stayed silent.  
  
“Are we going to do this now? You’re done talking?” She moved her head in an attempt to catch Jensen’s gaze, only he kept avoiding her. “You’re angry?”  
  
“Yes! Okay? I’m angry! Are you happy now? Are you happy that I’m fucking pissed off?” Jensen stood up and took a step towards the door before spinning on his heels and turning towards his therapist. Taking in a sharp breath, he leaned forward and pointed an accusatory finger at Dr. Clyne. “You know what? You think you know everything. You think you know how to fix me? Then fucking fix me! You don’t know what it’s like to go home and see your husband who you haven’t actually slept with since the one month old you can’t even fucking hold was conceived. I look at Jason and all I can think about is how much my life has changed since he came into existence. He’s so small and helpless. How on earth can I be there for him? I can barely be there for me! And Faith? She’s my daughter! She’s mine. I get it. I carried her inside me for months. I know exactly who she is and where she came from. Felix ripped me apart, he messed with my head. He gave me Faith and I don’t know what to think about that. How on earth can I love her? Right? What’s wrong with me that I don’t hate her? I worry about her. I avoid her because when I’m around her I just want to hold her and tell her I understand. I want to tell her that I know what it’s like to be stuck with a life you didn’t ask for. But how can I do that? Right? I look at her and see a baby but also see the way I was unfaithful to my marriage.”  
  
Dr. Clyne let out a stunned gasp. “That’s what you think?”  
  
“I was! You know the dirty details. Someone else fucked me. How can I love Faith? She’s my daughter but how could I have a daughter without Jared?”  
  
“You don’t.” Dr. Clyne’s eyes soften with sympathy. “You’ve heard Jared in here. He loves her. He only sees you when he looks at her. She was probably Jared’s daughter before you even recognized her as your own.” She got up from her chair and stood in front of Jensen. “There’s nothing wrong in loving her. She’s a victim of your rape, just like you. She isn’t your attacker. No one will blame you for loving her.”  
  
Jensen was shaking. He let out a guttural cry and in an instant, he is split open. Every emotion is pouring out of him in waves. “I wanted her dead.”  
  
“But she’s still here.”  
  
“I wanted her dead,” Jensen repeated, like he was stuck on loop. Only, this time, his voice cracked and he almost fell to his knees.  
  
“And she didn’t want to let you go. She wanted to hold on. And now she’s here. She wanted you. She still does. If you held her, she’s only a baby. She won’t hurt you. She’s not defined by her biology just as you aren’t defined by what happened to you.”  
  
“And what if she doesn’t love me?” He stared at his therapist, words saturated with pain.  
  
“She will. Jensen, your family, all of them, love you.”  
  
“What if she doesn’t?” The fluctuating between anger and pain was constant and Jensen’s words hinged on both of them.  
  
Dr. Clyne thought for a moment. “Did Jared love you instantly? I don’t mean lust; I mean love. At first sight.” She paused to figure out how to get her point across. “Did he love you as intensely as he loves you now?” She caught a small shake of Jensen’s head. “But you two are still together. He clearly loves you very much. How did that happen?”  
  
Jensen threw his hands up in frustration. “I don’t know what you want me to say. You want our whole life together in ten minutes?” He was met with silence and an expectant stare from his therapist. “We dated. We spent time together. We talked for hours and figured out that we just fit. I don’t know how to explain that but we just fit. I wanted to protect him and keep him safe forever and…” He cut himself off and covered his mouth with a shaking hand.  
  
“So, do the same thing with your daughter. Get to know her. Spend hours with her. You already want to keep her safe; that instinct is there. It’s clear to me in the way you speak about her. From when you told me in the past about choosing to put your daughter up for adoption, you were doing it because you thought it was what was best for her. You wanted her to be safe and to have a good home because you thought you couldn’t provide that. Even when Jared took it upon himself to take that decision out of your hands and decided to parent Faith, you were still worried about what was best for her. You don’t hate her.”  
  
A wall broke down in Jensen, crumbling so violently that he let out a pained sob. Dr. Clyne’s words were dead on. He’d known them before she spoke them but they acted as a sort of permission slip to believe them. “Shit…” Quite frankly, Jensen didn’t know what to do with himself. “I love her.” The words slipped out like he couldn’t believe them himself. His eyes widened with shock. He flicked his hands rapidly near his eyes before pressing his fingers into his temples. “Fuck. I love her.” If possible, his disbelief in his voice increased.  
  
“Jensen, you were a good cop. No one argues that fact. You’re good at things you set your mind to. You’re a good husband and you’ll be a good father if you stop fighting it and let your natural instincts take over. They are not wrong. Being afraid is okay but you’re not wrong in loving those babies.”  
  
What happened in the last ten minutes seemed so simple. Jensen wondered why it couldn’t have happened months, weeks, days ago. He knew he wasn’t ready for it then but he thought that just maybe he was ready for it now. He scratched at his jaw and took the therapy appointment into his own hands. “I’m going to go home now, okay? I need to go home now.” He didn’t wait for Dr. Clyne’s response before walking out the door in a daze, eyes a little unfocused but mind set on his new goal. He’d had the goal all along but for the first time he thought that reaching it was within his power. That reaching it wasn’t wrong.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10176939794/)

Things like grocery shopping shouldn’t be the milestone that they were for Jensen now. Dealing with the task alone was an accomplishment for Jensen and he knew Jared noticed. What Jared didn’t notice was the world of planning and contemplating going on in Jensen’s head.  
  
Things were shifting and rearranging themselves in Jensen’s head and it took Jensen off guard when they suddenly snapped in to place. The shift in what Jensen thought he should do, to what he could do, to deciding to actually do it, caught Jensen off guard.  
  
He wasn’t prepared, however, for the things that happened in his head the moment he walked in the door from doing their grocery shopping.  
  
His arms were full of grocery bags, his habit of attempting to carry an entire shopping trip’s worth of goods in one shot putting his rehabilitated right hand to the test. He got everything into the house and safely situated on the counter before he noticed how quiet the house was.  
  
It was absolutely silent.  
  
“Jay?” He searched the first floor of the house, coming to an abrupt stop when he found Jared fast asleep on their couch. His hair fell softly across his face and his lips were parted in a sure sign of deep sleep. Jared’s arms were holding a slumbering Faith to his chest. She was belly down, chubby cheek pressed to the area over Jared’s heart and arms raised up to fist Jared’s shirt. Her lips were suckling subconsciously in her sleep. Jason was just as tuckered out and safely cradled in the bassinet beside the couch. Jensen could tell he’d been feeding the kids but it seemed that all three participants were taking a nap.  
  
It was a sweet moment and the calmness of it all overpowered Jensen. He could do little more than stare at the three people who made up his family. He wasn’t expecting the rush of love that hit him, so when it did it almost knocked him off his feet. His heart pounded so loudly he was afraid it would wake everyone and ruin the moment.  
  
He crouched down next to Jason, brushing his dark hair to the side and trailing a finger over the baby’s cheek. Jason didn’t wake up but he did make a soft sigh, sleeping face tensing for a moment in reaction to his father’s touch. The baby reached up a hand towards the one Jensen was trailing over Jason’s cheek. The instant the baby’s fingers brushed against Jensen’s the flood gate that had been threatening to open was ripped wide and Jensen cried, careful to make sure his tears were silent. “I love you, Jace.”  
  
The baby cooed and Jensen decided to take it as a response in reciprocation.  
  
Turning back to Jared, he noticed how tired Jared looked even in sleep. Jared always seemed to carry a type of concern for Jensen, Jason, and Faith with him at all times but in sleep he finally looked reminiscent of the person Jensen knew from almost a year ago. A rush of adrenaline hit Jensen and a familiar nervous jitteriness kicked in. Biting his lip, he took an apprehensive step towards his daughter. Leaning down, Jared’s breath fanned across his cheek as he paused long enough to slowly unfold Jared’s hands from around Faith. There was a moment where he knew he could abort this whole decision but then his hands closed around Faith and he was pulling her into his arms to a point where there was no stopping the action.  
  
Faith mourned the loss of the warm cradle of Jared arms with a whimper but she didn’t wake up. She gave a series of complaints but ultimately nuzzled her face into the crook of Jensen’s arms. Looking down at her, Jensen thought he might hyperventilate as he realized he was holding his daughter for the first time.  
  
Whatever monster he thought Faith would be, she was anything but. She was sweet, delicate and way lighter than Jensen could have fathomed. She shifted in his arms, seemingly getting as close to Jensen as possible. Instinctively, Jensen held her more securely. Her movements were completely dependent on the way Jensen held her, demonstrating how fragile she was; he realized he could destroy her in an instant but swore he never would. Looking at her, he couldn’t remember why he was afraid of her. He hated himself for ever having one negative thought about her and wondered how far down his mind had fallen to even allow those thoughts in.  
  
That was not who he was.  
  
He loved children. He lit up around them.  
  
Faith was proving to be no exception.  
  
She was warm and alive against his chest and it was overwhelming. He’d known this little girl for months. In utero, he knew what made her nervous and how she reacted to loud noises the same way he did. Yet, meeting her in person sealed that fact. He knew her. She wasn’t scary.  
  
What he’d been afraid of in looking at Faith for too long and studying her was that he’d only see Felix. Taking in every element of her features, it was apparent that Faith was nothing like his rapist. He feared that she’d be a constant reminder of everything that plagued him in the last ten months but Faith was not that. She looked just like him to the point that it was eerie. Her blonde hair and face shape matched everything he remembered of his own baby pictures. Her lips were pouty and sweet, matching not only Jensen’s but Jason’s as well. His heart burst when he tiptoed a hand over Faith’s belly and she grabbed onto it with a firm grasp. Faith’s fingers were tiny and pale, her skin showing evidence of being the same shade of Jensen’s.  
  
“Oh, Faith…” Jensen wiped away a tear and he couldn’t get past the feel of his daughter’s name on his tongue because it was the first time he let love come out along with it.  
  
Lifting her higher, Jensen kissed her crown and realized she smelled different than anything he’d ever known. In a weird way, she smelled like Jared but softer. In so many ways she looked like Jensen but she was absolutely Jared’s daughter. She reacted to him and she was part of him.  
  
Then it hit him. Faith fit. He didn’t know how but she just did. She fit and it was what he’d been looking for. It was the permission to love her because no one would take her away and tell him he was doing the wrong thing. His emotions and stability were so raw that he couldn’t bring himself to risk being hurt by loving Faith but the feeling that it would work out was overwhelming.  
  
Bouncing and rocking his daughter, he made his way towards her nursery. Entering the room, he realized he’d never been in it before. It was a happy space, adamant in keeping negativity out. He wasn’t sure why he was there but he let the pull in his gut guide him and he paced around the room while humming to Faith.  
  
She woke up suddenly, big green eyes confused and angry looking. It was evident that she wasn’t happy and Jensen panicked in thinking he ruined her mood by taking her away from Jared. Clearly, she loved Jared and he worried that she wanted nothing to do with having the man who gave birth to her in her life. Maybe picking her up was a mistake. How could she love him after the terrible ways he’d ignored her?  
  
Then he recognizes the fact that her diaper is wet. That put his original fear at ease but brought up a whole new one.  
  
He had never changed a diaper in his life but he was going to do it now. He’d been afraid for so long but this was his trial by fire.  
  
He’d seen Jared do this hundreds of times, he knew the process. He wasn’t an idiot.  
  
Laying Faith down on the changing table, he struggled with her onesie’s buttons but got them undone. Slowly, he undressed his daughter. At the sudden change in temperature, Faith curled up her fists and let out a little whimper. The whimper started to become a full blown cry, making Jensen’s eyes search the room frantically. Instinct overrode his brain and he scooped the baby up, hushing her. He relished the feeling of his daughter’s weight on his shoulder and the fact that she actually quieted down enough for him to try laying her down again.  
  
It was a struggle, but he managed to do a decent job of diapering her and putting her in a fresh onesie. After he was done, Faith didn’t stop her whimpering. In fact, she kept it up, getting louder than before the whole process started.  
  
“Oh, come on Faith, work with me. I’m sorry I’m not good at this. I’m sorry. I’m trying, baby.” Jensen lifted her up and locked eyes with her. “Shh, I know…I’m not your papa but I’m trying to be your daddy. I’m trying. Can you give me a chance?” Jensen sucked in his bottom lip. “Please, Faith. Please don’t cry. Don’t cry, baby.” He thought he should follow his own advice because a pleading sob left his lips as he rocked his daughter.  
  
Faith’s eyes followed Jensen’s voice and she reacted to the sound instantly. Like magic, Faith stopped crying, staring at her father like she’d been looking for him her whole short life.  
  
Jensen noticed. He saw the way Faith interacted with him. He knew that his daughter was difficult at times, he’d seen how pushy and demanding she was when it came to getting attention. Jensen had no idea what his daughter needed but he seemed to be giving it to her all on his own because she made soft puppy noises and that went straight to Jensen’s heart and flooded him with warmth.  
  
She wanted him.  
  
She wanted her father.  
  
“Ohh, Faith, sweetheart.” Jensen felt dizzy and he fell to his knees, cradling his daughter safely against his chest. “I’m so sorry.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead, her nose, her chest and then repeated the pattern. “I’m so sorry for leaving you alone. I am. I swear, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I always loved you. I didn’t know it.” He kissed Faith again and she held onto his face. “I think you knew it. I think you’re just like me, huh? You’re stubborn too, aren’t you?”  
  
Faith blinked at him while her tiny hand explored Jensen’s face. It settled on Jensen’s cheek, prompting Jensen to turn his face so he could place a kiss on Faith’s soft palm.  
  
“You forgive me?” Jensen touched their foreheads together and his tears dropped onto the baby’s face.

  
There was noise from downstairs and Jared’s panicked voice rang through the house. “Jensen?”  
  
There was a loud scramble of feet up the stairs and Jensen turned around just in time to see Jared hovering in the doorway to Faith’s room. He looked wild, concern and worry making his heart beat so fast Jensen could practically see it pounding in his chest.  
  
“Jen?” Jared ran a hand through his hair. He was shaking so hard looked like he might fall over. “Oh god, I thought…I…” He scanned the room and saw Faith, safe and sound, in Jensen’s arms. “I thought…she was gone…and…” Looking at Jensen on his knees, exposed and crying while holding Faith, Jared couldn’t wrap his brain around what he was looking at. “Jen…you…”  
  
“I know.” Jensen let out a wrecked sob. “I know.” He turned his attention back to Faith and couldn’t understand how something so perfect came from something so terrible. Faith yawned, every one of her features scrunching up before they smoothed out and she stared at Jensen again. “Hey, Faith.” Jensen realized, even though he was overwhelmed and crying, he was happy. “You make me happy. You know that?” He brought both arms to support Faith’s back and held her out so that she looked at him. When he was younger, Jensen’s mother used to sing to him. He didn’t remember it entirely but he remembered the song. He suspected Donna sang it to Jensen when they were out of hearing range but Faith reacted to the song in a way Jensen believed is only meant for him. His voice was soft. The words were still weighed down with tears but they come out and Faith was completely transfixed. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.” There was no way he could get the rest of the song out. The rest hurt too much because it felt too real, too much like one day he would really wake up and Faith could have been gone because of his past mistakes. He let the song stop there and closed his eyes.  
  
Jared watched the interaction and he wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. He thought he might have been dreaming because what he was watching was exactly what he’d been dreaming of. He’d woken without the comforting weight of Faith on his chest and immediately thought the worst. With Jason still sleeping, he wandered up stairs, never thinking he would see Jensen covering their daughter with kisses and singing to her.  
  
It was real, however. The scene in front of him pulled Jared into the room, sending him to his knees. Jensen opened his eyes and looked directly at him and for the first time in months Jared thought that is Jensen. He was staring at his husband and then he was crying along with Jensen.  
  
“Jay…I…I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I know it was hard. I know it took me a long time – too long – to get here. But I’m here now. I want…I…shit, Jared, I’m so sorry. She’s so perfect. Jason too. I want to be their dad, just as much as you. And I’m sorry I didn’t believe in myself to know that sooner.” He leaned forward and caught Jared’s lips. Faith was safely bracketed between their bodies, allowing Jensen to lean in just enough to deepen the kiss, breaking away every now and then to take a shaky breath. “I’m sorry I missed so much already. I’ll never miss any more. Never. I promise.” Crushing their lips together in a needy kiss, Jensen’s whole body shook. “I’ve missed you so much.”  
  
Jared pulled away, completely stunned. He couldn’t remember the last time Jensen kissed him like that. The love, pain, worry, and complete trust between them overpowered the kiss and Jared let out a cry. “I missed you too. God, Jensen, I’ve missed you so much. I’ve wanted you, the real you. I never wanted to do any of this alone. I needed you. But I know…I know. It’s going to be okay.” He found a way to get himself into Jensen’s arms along with Faith. “I love you.”  
  
Jensen knew things were going to be hard but he wanted the same things as Jared. He knew that now and he believed he could allow it to happen. “I love you, too.” He made sure Faith was secure in one arm before he wrapped an arm around Jared and held him tightly. “Without you, Jared, I wouldn’t be here. And I’m so glad we are.” He pressed a kiss to Jared’s temple. “You’re so amazing. You’re so strong.” With another kiss, Jensen lingers with his lips to Jared’s skin. “You still want to do all this with me?”  
  
Jared let out a mixed cry and laugh. “Always. Absolutely. You and me, Jen.”  
  
That blind faith, the one that inspired his daughter’s name, was there. It was strong. It was more than enough.  
  
A loud cry from downstairs made both men turn their heads towards the door.  
  
“I’ll get him.” Jensen made sure Jared had a hold on Faith before he pulled away. Faith’s reluctance to leave Jensen’s arms and the whimper she made to express that warmed Jensen’s heart.  
  
It felt weird for Jensen to respond so quickly to Jason’s crying. Usually he left that up to Jared. Now, he’d decided he was all in. He had Jason in his arms like he belonged there, marveling at that fact for a moment before he rejoined Jared.  
  
There were more comfortable locations in their home but they ended up sitting on the floor together. Jensen has Jason in his arms and his husband nestled in next to him holding Faith. He had the three people he cared about in one room and couldn’t help but think they were his rainbow at the end of a very long storm.  
  
Jason’s hazel eyes focused intently on Jensen as if trying to figure him out.  
  
“Hi, little man.” Jensen smiled at Jason, who turned out to be just as manageable to parent as his sister. “Do you know how long your papa and I have waited for you? Maybe we just wanted you so bad that we ended up with two of you, huh? You don’t mind sharing us with your sister, right?” Jason did a good job of looking like he was listening to every word Jensen said, despite the fact that the meaning behind the words was too much for an infant to comprehend. To Jensen, he knew Jason would be raised to value family. He’d be a good brother to Faith.  
  
Rocking Jason, his heart burst again from the love he let himself feel for his children. "I promise I will never leave you again." Jensen ran his hand through the dark chestnut peach fuzz that covered his head. "I promise I will always take care of you, son. Me and your papa. Do you know you’re lucky to have such a good papa? He took care of you while I was.....sick.... and he and I love you and your sister very much."  
  
"Very very much." Jared added as he wiped away tears and hugged his husband close, resting his chin on Jensen's right shoulder so he could gaze down at his son.  
  
Jensen turned his head to the right, pressing his lips against Jared's. "I've found my middle ground." He was never going to leave.

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177038465/)

_  
**Epilogue** _

  
Jensen never thought he’d be so happy to be so tired.  
  
The day had been a long, but perfect, one.  
  
It was actually his idea to have a get together to celebrate Jason and Faith’s arrival into their family. It was two months after the fact, but physical time had nothing to do with it. It had everything to do with Jensen finally being ready to celebrate that fact. That wasn’t to say that he didn’t have nightmares about not being the father his children needed him to be, but Jensen was ready to start believing he was good enough.  
  
In the month since he’d made the decision to be an active parent to their children and the husband he always used to be, Jensen had never looked back. It felt right and he figured that maybe it was just the right time for things to fall into place.  
  
A party, something that was good and safe and meant commemorated growth was something Jensen felt ready for.  
  
It turned out Jensen’s ordeal landed him in an awkward place in terms of his job. He’d suffered too much for approval to return to work. Based on his psychiatric evaluation from Dr. Clyne, he’d essentially been asked to retire, but the pay he was still getting as a result of his ordeal was more than enough to support their lifestyle, even with the addition of two babies. It left him with nothing to do but get to know his children and further strengthen the bond he and Jared had.  
  
It wasn’t what he thought he wanted but leaving the police force seemed to be just what he and Jared needed.  
  
Jared lost the fear of losing Jensen and Jensen lost the fear that he’d be ripped from his family again.  
  
Without that fear, healing was easier. There were flashbacks and panic attacks but both Jensen and Jared were learning to deal with them. The nightmares woke Jensen screaming just as loudly as Jason or Faith but Jared was getting pretty skilled at calming all three of his loved ones. A weekly trip to the therapist together helped them get their frustrations out in a safer place than the home where they kept their babies safe.  
  
Jared decided his family and marriage needed to come first, making his decision to take a minimum of three years away from teaching a very easy one to make. He knew not everyone was lucky enough to be in the financial and supportive situation that he and Jensen were in; he was infinitely grateful for it.  
  
With both their heads firmly in the game, figuring out Jason and Faith wasn’t all that hard.  
  
The biggest change seemed to be Faith. It happened so slowly that Jared and Jensen didn’t realize it but the minute Megan walked in the door for the party, it was clear to her that Faith was different.  
  
Megan scooped the baby out of Jensen’s arms and kissed her all over, cooing at her. Faith didn’t do much in return, which was exactly what piqued Megan’s curiosity.  
  
It wasn’t a secret that Faith was a moody baby. She pouted a lot and gave her aunts and uncles grumpy facial expressions instead of the gummy smiles Jason had for everyone. Faith seemed to save those smiles for Jensen and Jared. With her other family members, she was a very serious baby. So serious, in fact, that people couldn’t help but love her all the more because she looked adorable with a pout.  
  
Megan had realized that Faith was quieter, that she seemed more settled. She didn’t cry as much as when they first brought her home and while she still enjoyed it, she didn’t demand physical attention as much. She’d slowly learned how to spend time with herself.  
  
Megan tickled her under her chin and got a smile out of her. To hear her squeal, Jensen would have thought Megan just hit the lottery.  
  
The rest of the party followed along the same lines in celebrating the little things.  
  
Jason and Faith were passed from one set of arms to another. Jensen didn’t think anyone’s family could make a bigger deal over the existence of two eight-week-olds. Even Mackenzie was on board, snuggling Faith just as hard as she snuggled Jason.  
  
The moment that put an old wound to rest for Jensen was when someone plopped Jason into Casey’s arms and referred to him as J.C. Casey raised a curious eyebrow to Jared and they both realized at the same time that Casey had never been told Jason’s full name.  
  
“J.C. stands for Jason Casey.” Jensen put his hand on his hip and rested against the wall, watching the news sink in for Casey.  
  
“What?” Casey shot a ‘are you serious?’ look to both Jared and Jensen then he looked at his wife. “Really?”  
  
“Yeah.” Jensen scratched at the back of his head. “Jared picked it and I don’t think he could have done a better job. It’s perfect.” Shifting under the discomfort of having everyone’s eyes on him and letting the sentiment overwhelm him, Jensen let out a nervous laugh. “You saved me, probably more than once. You took care of Jared while I was gone. I feel like that deserves some recognition as to why he’s here today. So, Jason Casey it is.”  
  
Casey made a noise of disbelief. He stood up with Jason on his shoulder and pulled Jensen into a brisk hug, slapping him on the back affectionately. “Jen, that’s…I’m honored. That’s a real honor and I’m proud to share my name with him.”  
  
“Yeah, well…don’t let it go to your head.” Jensen smiled, returning the hug with his own slap to the back.  
  
Casey turned so that he and Jason could face his wife. “Hey, Kris, they seemed to like the name Casey just fine.” There was jest in his voice as he smiled.  
  
“Good for them. I wasn’t naming our daughter Casey. Sorry.” She shook her head with a laugh. “But, J.C.? J.C. sounds like a great name.”  
  
The emotion behind the interaction was thick but in a good way. Jensen could tell Casey deeply appreciated the gesture. The hug Casey gave him in response was genuine, helping to shred the last worry Jensen had about their friendship being able to come through on the other side.  
  
The rest of the afternoon was lighter. Sydney was trying to beg Kris and Casey for another sibling while Donna was trying to figure out a way to smuggle out one of their grandkids. Both sets of grandparents had been doting in their own right and the presents they littered the living room with showed that they had no intention of slowing down anytime soon.  
  
Jensen laughed. A lot.  
  
As much fun as it all was, Jared was glad when the last guest left and the four of them were alone.  
  
He dropped onto the couch beside Jensen and let his head fall against the backrest. Faith was whining for her dinner and he blindly reached out towards Jensen so he could steal her away from him.  
  
“Good party.” Jared ripped off his shirt and situated Faith against his chest. Her feeding schedule had been thrown off by the party and she didn’t waste any time in latching on to nurse. She was always like that, ever since the first time he nursed her in the hospital. It was their routine. “Woah, Faith. I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
“You promise?” Jensen fell back against the couch’s armrest and put his knees up so he could prop Jason against them. He’d heated up a bottle of milk Jared had pumped earlier, figuring he’d end up feeding one of the kids while Jared nursed the other. Jason yawned, giving Jensen the opportunity to shove the nipple in Jason’s mouth to remind him that Jared wasn’t his only meal ticket. It hurt sometimes when Jensen thought about the fact that his own milk had dried up because he’d ignored his kids for so long but he and Jared had come a long way in making sense of why.  
  
Jared turned his head to watch them. “I don’t have anywhere else I’d rather be. You?”  
  
“Nope. I’m good.” Jensen smiled when Jason’s hand curled around the one Jensen was using to hold the bottle.  
  
Jared sighed and relaxed into the couch. Faith was staring at him while she suckled, eyes curved up on the sides to let Jared know she was happy.  
  
The silence between them had been comfortable before Jensen’s disappearance, it had only returned to that feeling in the last few weeks. Feeding their kids together was the type of peacefulness they’d been craving. It was an everyday task that they didn’t take for granted.  
  
Jensen planned on using every opportunity presented to him to bond with his son and daughter.  
  
Jason finished eating before Faith. He went easy on Jensen and practically burped on his own before snuggling into the crook of Jensen’s neck and drifting off to sleep. With his end of the feeding handled, Jensen was left to watch Jared interact with Faith.  
  
Jensen felt alive again but so did Jared. His features were brighter and watching him stare down at Faith made Jensen’s heart do flip-flops. They looked seamless together.  
  
Faith started nodding off, her eyes fluttering closed as she collapsed fully into Jared’s hold. “I think this little monkey is ready for bed. She had a big day.”  
  
“I got her.” Jensen got to his feet and bent forward to take Faith into his arms.  
  
“Both of them? She needs a new diaper…they both do. And she needs…”  
  
“Jared, I got it.” Jensen helped coax Faith out of Jared’s arms and into his free one. With one baby in each arm, he got his balance and made sure they were safe and sound. “Diaper, pajamas, nightlight. Got it. We’re good.”  
  
“I can help.” Jared went to get off the couch but Jensen blocked his movement.  
  
“No. I got it. You go upstairs and get ready for bed. Okay? I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Jensen smiled before making his way towards Faith’s nursery. He managed to get both of them into her crib for the time being so he could tend to Faith before taking Jason to his own crib. It was fairly routine; both babies were tuckered out from the day and they barely cracked an eye as Jensen manipulated their limbs so he could change them and tuck them into their cribs.  
  
With both babies clean, dry, kissed several more times and safe in their rooms, he made his way to his and Jared’s bedroom.  
  
Jared was sitting in the middle of the bed, startled for a brief moment when Jensen entered but quickly letting his guard down enough to fall back against the head board and make it very clear he was completely naked.  
  
“Jay, you…” Jensen’s mouth went dry. Jared looked great. He couldn’t find words for it. Being two months out from having a baby barely showed on Jared’s body. With a bob of his Adam’s apple, Jensen made a throaty swallow and stared. He and Jared had used their hands and mouths on each other in the last few months but something told him Jared had other plans that required other body parts.  
  
“Is this okay, Jen?”  
  
“Oh, yeah…it’s okay.” Jensen moved without thinking about it. He took slow steps towards his husband, shirt coming off before his pants dropped to the ground.  
  
Weeks ago, he’d gotten over the fact that his body didn’t look like it had last year. He respected Jared enough to take his husband’s words as truth when he told Jensen that he still found Jensen breathtaking. He crawled onto the bed and cupped Jared’s face, kissing him softly. “This okay, Jare?”  
  
“Mmm, hmm.” Jared melted into the kiss. Closing his eyes, he nipped at Jensen’s lips, begging for more. Parting his own, he moaned when Jensen’s tongue made a quick swipe into his mouth. Air left his lungs as Jensen forcefully tugged them together, chests touching while the kiss deepened.  
  
They kissed for an extremely long time, longer than they had when they first met. It was drawn out but not to the point that either participant grew bored of it. Jared was flushed from the intensity of it all and Jensen was right there with him.  
  
What took Jensen by surprise was Jared pushing on his chest and sending him bouncing back onto the bed. His lips were quickly covered by Jared’s and he tilted his head up into the kiss with frantic needy motions.  
  
A loud moan left Jensen’s throat when Jared abandoned his lips to kiss a trail down his neck, over his collar bone and down his chest. It was a deliberately slow process that had Jensen on edge, body straining for the type of contact Jared was offering. He felt like he was melting into the mattress until Jared’s lips traveled over his stomach. It was softer than it used to be and Jensen hated it. Still, Jared’s lips were soft and he was letting out small moans to tell Jensen how much his husband was enjoying the exploration.  
  
Jared had a hand on Jensen’s dick, working it to full attention with twists of his wrist and lazy swipes of his thumb across the slit. He growled possessively into Jensen’s belly before his lips turned all their attention on Jensen’s cesarean scar.  
  
Jensen froze instantly. “Jay…don’t.”  
  
Jared didn’t listen. He kept kissing the thin scar and humming softly into the skin.  
  
“Jay…”  
  
Jared paused to look up. “This is my favorite part of you. You know that?”  
  
Jensen’s head spun. How on earth could that scar be anyone’s favorite part?  
  
“I love this scar. I love it because it’s there because of our daughter and without it we wouldn’t have a healthy baby girl. I love it because it reminds me how strong you are. I love it because it shows me that something can be torn apart but come back together. It’s a reminder of being able to overcome all types of pain. So, I love it. I love what it represents.” Jared felt the emotions wetting his eyes and he buried his face in Jensen’s stomach.  
  
Just like that, Jensen understood how someone could love a scar. His heart skipped a beat and he flipped them over so he was blanketing Jared’s body. He put his hand flat over the left side of Jared’s chest. “Shit, Jared. You make it so hard to live up to you sometimes. You’re so good and perfect. No one can be that perfect.”  
  
“I’m not perfect, Jensen. I’m not.” Jared nudged Jensen chin with his head to make sure his husband was looking at him. “I have flaws. I have meltdowns. I just…I can’t have them with you because you make me feel more sane. Even when you were crazy, it felt right to have you here.”  
  
Jensen crashed their lips together so forcefully their teeth scraped against one another’s. He moaned into Jared’s mouth and drank down all the needy panting he was working Jared up to. Pulling away, he exuded more pressure on his palm. “This is my favorite part. Your heart. It’s my favorite. And you gave it to me. You loved Faith and Jason enough for both of us and you loved me enough to stick with me. Sometimes…sometimes I think it would have been easier for you to walk away. It kills me that I put you in that situation.”  
  
“Shh…We’ve talked about this so many times. I don’t want those types of worries in the bedroom. Not anymore, okay?” Jared locked his hands around Jensen‘s waist and kept them connected. He pressed his lips to Jensen’s, slowly parting them and moving against his husband’s mouth.  
  
The way they were situated, their arousals slid against each other’s. There was real, solid contact between them and it sent another rush of blood to thicken Jensen’s length. “Jay, I wanna make love to you. If that’s okay…if you want that...”  
  
“God, yes!” Jared moaned instantly and pulled his husband in for a deeper kiss. His body language was giving the same message and he sighed. “Please, Jen. I need you to. I miss it.”  
  
“Okay.” Jensen sat back on his heels and fished out a bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer. He saw Jared shifting in preparation for flipping onto his belly and he put a firm hand to his chest again. “No, stay. I want to watch you. I need to.”  
  
He didn’t need to say more. Jared understood. He fell back to the bed, letting his legs fall open as Jensen slicked up a finger. “It’s been a long time….since…well, since you know. Be gentle.”  
  
“Planned on it.” Jensen caught Jared’s lips and swallowed his husband’s gasp of surprise when Jensen’s slicked finger toyed with the resistance of Jared’s entrance. He didn’t push inside, he simply rubbed and explored. His pace was slow and Jared’s muscles relaxed completely before he actually nudged his finger inside.  
  
It fueled Jared’s desire more. It felt good having Jensen inside him in a way his husband hadn’t felt comfortable exploring yet. He missed it, and then Jensen shifted his fingers and did the thing he always did and Jared swooned. “Fuck, Jen.”  
  
Jensen smiled into the kiss and let his entire finger sink inside Jared. They’d shared a thousand rediscovered intimate moments in the past few months but this one seemed to be their last hurdle. He’d been afraid of flashing back when anal sex entered the picture but he didn’t. He was here and now and Jared wanted him. He could feel how much his body wanted him, muscles coaxing him deeper and Jared panting for a little more, telling him he was ready for more.  
  
No one was forcing anyone.  
  
As another slicked digit entered Jared, he squirmed. The stretch burned but barely. It faded quickly as soon as Jensen distracted him with more kisses and a tender pumping motion of his wrist. The thing happening between them was more exploratory than romantic but it was just as powerful in that moment. Another finger gave another type of burn but it was good. It was the type of burn that came with being filled by the person he loved and he moaned.  
  
“You okay?” Jensen pulled back and studied Jared’s face.  
  
“I’m good.” Jared nodded and rolled his hips, eyes fluttering when Jensen’s fingertips nudged against his prostate. “Ohh!”  
  
It took an experimental search or two, but Jensen remembered how to find that spot on his own and made good use of the knowledge. He locked his free hand with Jared’s and kept their foreheads together as he worked Jared open. There was no rushing it. His movements got faster but he wasn’t hurdling towards their end goal.  
  
Jared was shivering on the bed, arousal straining and sweat breaking out across his body. He arched his hips off the bed and into Jensen’s touch. “More, Jen. Please?” He felt Jensen freeze. “Please, Jensen. I trust you. You’re good. You won’t hurt me and you have no idea how bad I want this.”  
  
“I’ll stop if you want me to.”  
  
“I know you will.” Jared cupped his cheek and kissed him.  
  
Scissoring his fingers a few more times, Jensen pulled his fingers out and fumbled with finding a condom. He knew they were there. They had been reminders of what he and Jared were still unable to share but now he was going to show them he meant business. Grabbing a foil pack, he ripped it open and rolled it down his length with a shaky hand. Jared was still spread out and open in front of him and he locked eyes with him, needing that type of connection before he attempted a physical one.  
  
With a nervous swallow, he helped position Jared’s legs around his waist and nudged the tip of his dick at Jared’s slicked up entrance.  
  
He hesitated, not sure if he should move forward.  
  
Jared took the decision away from him by bucking his hips and forcing the head of Jensen’s cock to slip inside him. The sensation forced a curse from Jared’s mouth but he ended it with a moan as he savored the feeling of actually having Jensen inside of him again. Despite how long it had been and how tight he felt, the stretch and burn felt good. It made him feel alive and helped the connection between the two of them stand out in his brain. “So good, Jensen.” He looked up at his husband and saw fear pushing though the lust in his eyes. “Look at me, Jen.” They locked eyes and held each other’s stare. “It’s good. You feel good. Perfect.”  
  
The reassurance helped Jensen commit himself to completing the push inside his husband. He took it slow but he got there, bottoming out with a delicious moan from both of them.  
  
Once there, he let words and second guessing fall aside. Everything became a fluid pumping motion of his hips and the safe feeling of Jared’s arms around his neck.  
  
Jensen wished he could have made it better for Jared, but the emotions were too much and it had been too long. The technique was simple but Jared was tensing up around him, making breathy moans and clinging to Jensen like his life depended on it. They were falling apart and desperate within five minutes of Jensen thrusting in and out of his husband.  
  
Jared’s head lolled back onto the pillow. The friction between them was making his stomach flutter but he knew well enough that Jensen still wasn’t fully in the moment. His husband was practically silent, so focused on what he was doing and on Jared’s well-being that he couldn’t surrender fully. “Let go, Jen. Please. It’s me. I want you to let go. I know you can.”  
  
Locking their eyes together, Jensen forced away the mental block that tried to ruin their moment. What he was doing wasn’t dirty and it wasn’t wrong. Being inside Jared was right.  
  
Jensen came with a shout and his hips stuttered between Jared’s legs. The orgasm ripped more out of him than just ejaculate. It came with it worlds of fear and concern that he’d never have Jared like this again. It poured out of him even more the minute Jared yelled his name and came with messy spurts between their bellies.  
  
The tactile nature of it all, feeling Jared panting against his sweat drenched neck and shifting to feel the sticky evidence of sex between their bodies made it all sink in. Jensen dared not move. He clung to Jared, cementing their bodies together while the aftershocks of their orgasms shook them.  
  
“Jared, Jared, Jared…” Jensen pulled back enough away to lavish his husband’s face with shaky kisses. His voice sounded intoxicated, hopped up on what they’d just done.  
  
Jared smiled and looked Jensen in the eyes. The person staring at him was the one he’d married. The one he’d fallen in love with. “There you are.”  
  
“Yeah. Not going anywhere.” With a smile, Jensen pressed their foreheads together. A rush of warmth and calm coursed through him and his lips curled up in a half smirk. “Although, I’d like to do that again, if that’s okay? I can do better than that.”  
  
Jared strained his neck to get a look at the bedside clock. “You’ve probably got a good two hours before one of the kids wakes up. You up for the challenge?” He sat up and raised a playful eyebrow at his husband.  
  
“Always.” Jensen growled and snaked his arms around Jared to hold him tightly while they kissed.  
  
Jared moaned as Jensen dragged him back down to the bed and into his arms. For Jensen, Jared knew, he’d follow him anywhere. He already had. And he was glad to finally be back where they belonged.

 

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/10177132763/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Thanks** : Thank you so much for reading this monster of a story. I was very nervous in posting this as I have never written anything like this and it is far out of my comfort zone. I hope you enjoyed it and I appreciate any comments. I really did love writing it. I wrote this during a highly emotional time in my life and I think I probably fed the angst in the story with my own. *hugs and kisses* Thank you to all my cheerleaders and well wishers along the way. This is actually my first big bang and I am proud of finishing it!
> 
> Oh, and in case you didn't understand the choice of dividers between sections, they are Jason and Faith's headboards for their cribs. Their nurseries are described in the story but the dividers don't make much sense till near the end. It was SammyColt24's idea to make their cribs the dividers and I loved it. :-) If you like the art go [HERE](http://sammycolt24.livejournal.com/5809.html) and tell SammyColt24.


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